How not to write a resume

This is a section from a resume my firm received recently. It is crinkled for a reason.

Click the image for easier reading.

Solution to the financial crisis

We're in quite a bind with all sorts of banks making terrible bets and over-leveraging. The government has thrown a bunch of money at them to solve the problem and now they're looking for more money themselves. Government officials have been looking for other sources of tax revenue, such as carried interest, increase in capital gains tax, etc. I contend that there is a better and easier solution -- tax cartoon characters. Let's consider Scrooge McDuck.

Uncle Scroooge, a tax-evading fuck.

Scrooge is rich as shit and his ass needs to be taxed. What does the government stand to gain from this? Well, let's consider what may be his number one asset -- gold bullion. Let's start by calculating its value today. His 'Money Bin', according to Wikipedia, is 53,391 cubic meters (37x37x39). Assume it's roughly half full, so that's 25,000 cubic meters of gold.

A cubic centimeter of gold weighs 19.3 grams. 25k cubic meters = 25 billion cubic centimeters. So, he has about 482 million kilograms of gold. Gold is generally priced in troy ounces and one troy ounce equals 31.1 grams. This works out to 15.5 billion troy ounces. At today's price of $9oo/oz, that gold is worth just under $14 trillion dollars.

Back when I was watching Duck Tales in 1991, gold was at roughly $350/oz, implying McDuck has seen a gain of $8.5 trillion. Gold is considered a long term capital asset, which is taxed at 20%. So, on this income alone, Scrooge owes the US Govt $1.7 trillion dollars in back taxes. This is roughly 2/3rds of what the gov't brings in per year.

Crisis solved bitches.