So I've been looking around at new jobs recently and this is pretty much how they read:
Company: Firm name that we're not actually going to tell you because we are a recruiting service that cant tell our buttholes from the Taj Mahal is and we're here to run interference and make sure you can't get in touch with the company directly. Why the company engaged us we have no idea but we don't ask questions
Position: Senior Associate Dick Sucker
Responsibilities
-Coordinating bullshit activities with other bullshitters, doing shit that we are making sound here a lot more complicated and sophisticated than it actually is
-Leading bullshit which will lead to other bullshit. You will then shit out this shit, creating another shit. You must then polish this shit until it turns into a diamond.
Skills
-Ability to suck multiple dicks simultaneously, especially during the interview process, where we will give you a case study on dick sucking and expect you to suck in person for 12 people in a row
-Ability to jump through multiple hoops for hours on end, just to work your ass off and be paid market. This is the "new normal" and you will like it. Oh, and you must be able to suck dick while doing this.
-Lack of human dignity
Qualifications
-Either way less experience than you have to make you feel like you're going backwards, or way more than you have to make you feel like you have no chance
-4.5 GPA from a tier 1 school based on Intergalactic rankings. Please note there are none on earth. This is a requirement you bitch
-Certification denoted by three letters that doesn't teach you anything and that doesn't exist
-Token other qualification that has nothing to do with anything just put here to make people on the fence about applying to get the fuck out of here
-List of 30 generic skills put here for no reason because everyone reading this has these or at least thinks they do. Must be skilled communicator and a hard worker! Oh well I speak only pig latin and masturbate 12 hours a day so I am fucked.
-4 year post-graduate dick sucking school
-Fluent in Chinese -- oh shit we should have mentioned this earlier so you didn't read the whole thing oops our bad so sorry
Compensation: Competitive, which is code for no promises and being as low as we can possibly get away with. Oh, and we won't tell you until you suck all of our dicks and get an offer.
Where do I sign up?
22.6.11
Humanity has gotten entirely too comfortable.
I was sitting on the bus about 10 minutes ago and pried my eyes away from my phone for a minute to really soak in the scene and take inventory of the present cast of characters. Here's what I saw:
A 45 year old dude with a white Chesire Cat shirt tucked into his black jorts. The back of the shirt was a rear view of the cat.
An 80 year old man wearing a purple hat, purple sweater, and purple bag that was really a fanny pack he was just carrying around like a purse. Note that these were all different shades of purple.
A 35 year old woman with SEVEN kids aged 3-6.
A short, plump, 60 year old woman wearing a derby-like hat that was made out of pastel-colored plaid, had a fuchsia ribbon wrapped around it and 2 gigantic purple and white flowers that looked like they were straight plucked out of Fern Gully.
A large 40 year old woman in a full-out yellow poncho. Note that IT IS NOT RAINING.
A Mexican man with a hat that said "America" on it but was yellow, brown, and black and had no american symbolism on it. Where someone gets a knock-off america hat I have no clue.
A 50 year old woman who literally looks like she's dead. She's standing and moving but she looks like she's dead. This is definitely the look she was going for too. Goth just gone entirely wrong.
A homeless person in a winter coat, hood over head, passed out for the day.
Maybe 10 percent of the people on there could have run a quarter mile at 6mph.
I can't make this shit up. And note that all of this is in no way unusual. In fact this might be one of the more normal bunches of people you see on the bus. For instance last week there was a guy that kept yelling that he "needed a converter box for his TV, maaan" in various tones and intervals.
I don't know what to say, really. I just want to start a dialogue to look for solutions, because there's something that's just not right here. I'm not even sure what the root problem even IS, but I know when I'm staring at someone with the rain forest on their head that there is something out of balance in the universe.
What if we released a swarm of bears upon the nation? Millions of bears which are modified to be really slow and really, really dumb. If you can't run away from the bears or if you can't outsmart the bears, you are eaten. I try hard not to think like some elitist/darwinist/whatever, but you can't judge me until you've sat on the mid-day crosstown bus as much as I have. You just can't.
Humanity is entirely too comfortable.
Side note: this blog might just morph into a 'bus observations' blog because it writes itself and I obviously don't tend to this thing anymore.
A 45 year old dude with a white Chesire Cat shirt tucked into his black jorts. The back of the shirt was a rear view of the cat.
An 80 year old man wearing a purple hat, purple sweater, and purple bag that was really a fanny pack he was just carrying around like a purse. Note that these were all different shades of purple.
A 35 year old woman with SEVEN kids aged 3-6.
A short, plump, 60 year old woman wearing a derby-like hat that was made out of pastel-colored plaid, had a fuchsia ribbon wrapped around it and 2 gigantic purple and white flowers that looked like they were straight plucked out of Fern Gully.
A large 40 year old woman in a full-out yellow poncho. Note that IT IS NOT RAINING.
A Mexican man with a hat that said "America" on it but was yellow, brown, and black and had no american symbolism on it. Where someone gets a knock-off america hat I have no clue.
A 50 year old woman who literally looks like she's dead. She's standing and moving but she looks like she's dead. This is definitely the look she was going for too. Goth just gone entirely wrong.
A homeless person in a winter coat, hood over head, passed out for the day.
Maybe 10 percent of the people on there could have run a quarter mile at 6mph.
I can't make this shit up. And note that all of this is in no way unusual. In fact this might be one of the more normal bunches of people you see on the bus. For instance last week there was a guy that kept yelling that he "needed a converter box for his TV, maaan" in various tones and intervals.
I don't know what to say, really. I just want to start a dialogue to look for solutions, because there's something that's just not right here. I'm not even sure what the root problem even IS, but I know when I'm staring at someone with the rain forest on their head that there is something out of balance in the universe.
What if we released a swarm of bears upon the nation? Millions of bears which are modified to be really slow and really, really dumb. If you can't run away from the bears or if you can't outsmart the bears, you are eaten. I try hard not to think like some elitist/darwinist/whatever, but you can't judge me until you've sat on the mid-day crosstown bus as much as I have. You just can't.
Humanity is entirely too comfortable.
Side note: this blog might just morph into a 'bus observations' blog because it writes itself and I obviously don't tend to this thing anymore.
7.6.11
Most Hilarious Spam Message Ever
I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia [url=http://www.buypenisenlargement.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. [url=http://www.male-sexual-styles.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement They’re coming back now. [url=http://vimax3-4.com]vimax[/url] vimax Please send help! nitip [url=http://www.male-sexual.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement
If I had a dollar for every time I got held prisoner by the Russian Mafia and was forced to peddle cock enlargement pills by posting spam messages on random blog posts I'd have $272.50. The 50 cents is for the one time it was Vicodin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
