A certain dickhead named Rich Owen challenged me to a twitter war of words, not totaling beyond 180 characters. With no knockout we have to go to the judges' cards:
Round 1:
R: just decided...Im now in a tweet war with@jdizzle111 - hes like a brick, flat on both sides and gets laid mostly by dudes...
J:@rlowen3 's balls are like the ocean. Blue, dirty, and filled with crabs.
Winner= J, 0-1. J reacts quickly, landing a strong counter-punch with a crabs-related joke. Classic but still effective.
Round 2:
Round 3:
R: True story...there have only been 2 people@jdizzle111 has ever loved in his life...and one of them was a priest. #dudedidntgetasettlement
J: I once caught@rlowen3 having sex with a Twinkie. #Hostess #awkward #SnackCakes PS, it was in the ass.
Winner= J, 1-2. Hostess anal cake sex haymaker blow is nearly impossible to stop.
Round 4:
R:@jdizzle111 's first sexual experience involved a girl in a back brace and him in a tight pair of jorts...oops not first, I meant his last.
J: 2 facts about@rlowen3 :1, he voted for Ross Perot in 1996. 2, he vacations exclusively at indoor waterparks. LOL!
Winner=R, 2-2. R's jort assault was lauded by the judges. Indoor waterparks is a strong counter by J and might have resulted in a draw without the gratuitous "lol" at the end. Too over the top.
Round 5:
R: Where@jdizzle111 is from hes considered nouveau riche...which, in PA, means his family tree might not be linear. #sister-mom #pacesucks
J: The base of@rlowen3 's "Pyramid for Success" is "Pancakes" #idiot
Winner: J, 2-3. Judges felt like R had poor execution as an inbred family tree would look more circular than linear. Totally moronic success pyramids edges this out.
Round 6:
R: When asked what his favorite beer is@jdizzle111 always replies, "Zima". Sad part it that its hes not being ironic. #dudehas1992swag
J: At the bar@rlowen3 rolls up to ladies and tells them he "has a 401(k)", trying to get their panties wet. Strangely, this fails every time.
Winner: J, 2-4. Rocking Zima these days is dope considering they don't make it anymore. J's moves in this round lack bite or grace, but win by default.
Round 7:
Round 8:
J: @rlowen3 thinks Wiz Khalifa is a venereal disease
Winner: J, 3-5. J was unstoppable this round, highlighting R's complete lack of cultural and medical knowledge in 6 words, a deadly combination.
Round 9:
Winner: Draw. 3-5-1 Judges felt like J's effort is unstoppable if you hear the song in your head when you read it. However, this is too dependent on the audience and could have been executed better. The beginning of R's round starts bland, but ends strong with the hashtag, which is nicely unrelated.
Round 10:
R:@jdizzle111 showed up this weekend for the tea party rally in Cranberry, PA...brought his own mug and some chamomile. #JDS<3Santorum
Winner: J. 3-6-1. Both efforts are average but hashtag of "Zero Name Swag" was enough to sway the judges in J's favor.
Round 11:
Winner: R. 4-6-1. R almost had a knockdown in this round, putting J to the floor but it was deemed by the ref as an illegal punch -- using pictures. R wins the round but no knockout, no knockdown.
Winner of the bout: JDIZZLE. Strong match by both fighters but Dizzle brought some heat in 2 rounds that Satan himself could not stop.
Round 1:
R: just decided...Im now in a tweet war with
J:
Winner= J, 0-1. J reacts quickly, landing a strong counter-punch with a crabs-related joke. Classic but still effective.
Round 2:
R: @jdizzle111 is so dumb when solving for x in 2(x-4) + 3x=0 his answer is -8. #dudecantsubtract
J: @rlowen3 got married one year ago today. Its theme was Star Wars: Deep Space 9. Dude was dressed as *Quark*. #Dorkpocalypse2011
Winner=R, 1-1. R almost lost this one throwing out a linear equation and the judges were unsure of it really implies he can't subtract. J had a good idea and theme but didn't execute well enough.
R: True story...there have only been 2 people
J: I once caught
Winner= J, 1-2. Hostess anal cake sex haymaker blow is nearly impossible to stop.
Round 4:
R:
J: 2 facts about
Winner=R, 2-2. R's jort assault was lauded by the judges. Indoor waterparks is a strong counter by J and might have resulted in a draw without the gratuitous "lol" at the end. Too over the top.
Round 5:
R: Where
J: The base of
Winner: J, 2-3. Judges felt like R had poor execution as an inbred family tree would look more circular than linear. Totally moronic success pyramids edges this out.
Round 6:
R: When asked what his favorite beer is
J: At the bar
Winner: J, 2-4. Rocking Zima these days is dope considering they don't make it anymore. J's moves in this round lack bite or grace, but win by default.
Round 7:
R: @jdizzle111 claims to have had hundreds of lovers but we know this refers to the number of tube sox he owns. #crankthatsouljaboy
J: @rlowen3 's entire wardrobe is from TJ Maxx, K-Mart, and The Burlington Coat Factory
Winner: R, 3-4. R left an opening with a head-scratching hash tag, but J couldn't get a strong enough response. Judges felt like if he replaced K-Mart, with say, Old Navy, this would be more subtle and clever. As it stands sock-banging wins this one by a length.
R: Since moving to PA @jdizzle111 has been hitting the gym hard to work on his "Oh Face". #dudecanonlydo1rep #MacPcantread
J:
Winner: J, 3-5. J was unstoppable this round, highlighting R's complete lack of cultural and medical knowledge in 6 words, a deadly combination.
Round 9:
R: @jdizzle111 has a life goal of moving on up from Pennsyl-tucky to Florida where its "real classy like". #dudeisafraidofthedark
J: "Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. But here's my number-- so call me maybe!"- @rlowen3 at a business networking event
Winner: Draw. 3-5-1 Judges felt like J's effort is unstoppable if you hear the song in your head when you read it. However, this is too dependent on the audience and could have been executed better. The beginning of R's round starts bland, but ends strong with the hashtag, which is nicely unrelated.
Round 10:
R:
J: @rlowen3 has the most boring name of all time: Rich Owen. PSHHHHHHHH. Plus you can accurately call him a Dick. Double whammy. #ZeroNameSwag
Winner: J. 3-6-1. Both efforts are average but hashtag of "Zero Name Swag" was enough to sway the judges in J's favor.
Round 11:
R: @jdizzle111 is so popular in PA that hes setting up concerts in the field behind his house.first performance photo http://bit.ly/IIluGP
J: @rlowen3 has an http://aol.com email address. Wake up and smell the coffee, Richard, it's the 90s!
Winner: R. 4-6-1. R almost had a knockdown in this round, putting J to the floor but it was deemed by the ref as an illegal punch -- using pictures. R wins the round but no knockout, no knockdown.
Winner of the bout: JDIZZLE. Strong match by both fighters but Dizzle brought some heat in 2 rounds that Satan himself could not stop.
