Beyonce Wednesday

If you liked it to such a degree that you'd be willing to commit monogamously for the rest of your natural life, hence forfeiting significant partner 'option value' as an opportunity cost, or at the very least, to subject yourself to risks of substantive litigation fees, remittance of half your future earnings along with the present value of future offspring-related costs up to 18 years, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

(PS - I'll try to make this a weekly thing bc it's so easy)

Beyonce Wednesday

I surmise that for this gelatin you are ill-prepared.

Amateur Hour

I need to vent for a moment. These new-year's-resolution-gym-going assholes really annoy the shit out of me. So I was at the gym yesterday and here's what I experienced:

-A 10 person deep line for treadmills. I've never seen more than 75% of them taken up at any time. I was almost forced to use a Nordic-Trak. Just kidding. I don't think those exist other than in your grandparents' basement.

-Somebody cut in on me between sets to do *one* set of ONE-ARMED PULLUPS. What is this? A fucking freak show? "Sssstep right up and see The Amazing Barry Milton and his incredible Feats Of Strength!" He couldn't even really do them. It was like watching someone try to pry their hand out of a suspended bear trap. Call me crazy, but you should be able to do at least 5 two-armed pull-ups before you start busting out the one-armed. Christ.

-There was a guy using kettlebells. Fucking *kettlebells*. Is he training for a strong man competition? Dude, Zdrunas Zvikas will totally beat your ass. Maybe you could actually be useful and move the obese person off the machine I want to use and place her in the rafters like an Atlas stone. My gym might look like this soon:


Bottom line is it is amateur month at the gym. The people being annoying and/or doing ridiculous exercises are clearly the most out of shape. Can't wait till all these people fade, which should be pretty soon.

Tuesday Top Twelve

Top 12 things on the to do list for tomorrow:

1. Attend 8am marketing meeting
2. Bring sexy back
3. Answer work emails
4. Remove all the toilet paper from bathrooms in floors with prime numbers
5. Finish LBO model
6. Make Roth IRA contribution
7. Contemplate the size of an electron
8. File expenses
9. Do 1,000 crunches under my desk without anyone noticing
10. Eat all confidential documents.
11. Smoke the really confidential documents.
12. Make sure to get Netflix in the mail

I'm an internet/attention whore

I figure I'd link my Twitter account here since it's basically a mini version of this blog -- i.e., generally streaming, always random, often ridiculous jokes/anecdotes and tasty nuggets o' wisdom published mostly for my own amusement and record-keeping. So, there will never be any "my coffee is yummy"-type updates from me. Especially since the coffee I drink usually isn't very good.

Texts from last night

I received a great 'text from last night', ummmm, last night.

friend: I maced myself and puked in a dasani bottle in the game. i did not have a great time

ahahaha. Further conversation:

me: how did you puke in a bottle with a small opening?
friend: i puked in my mouth, slowly spit it out into the bottle and then left the game

I guess that's what this will do to you.

Thesaurus

I was talking with someone about alternatives for the word 'toilet' for use in a business email. Here's what I came up with:

'sewage conduit'
'waste management facilitator'
'water closet seat'
'byproduct receptacle'
'ceramic restroom fixture'
'flushable water-bowl chair'
'metallically semi-partitioned thinking throne'
'aquatic bulk material jettison device'

Pitt ND

Sooo I hosted a group of people in my hometown of Pittsburgh for the Pitt - ND game. There's probably a ton to talk about which I may get to later (probably not!), but a few bullets:

-We had probably 25-30 people at the tailgate. We ran though a full keg, probably 5 cases, and at least 4 bottles of liquor.

-Somebody came up with a 'shot' called Plutonium -- apple pucker, rumple minze, pucker. Jesus.

-I almost started a 'fu-ckin yin-zers' chant at Heinz Field. Would've been a bad idea, hah.

$

UPDATE: DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I EVER SAY EVER

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We were jamming bottles into the ground pregame. We jammed one almost 100pct into the ground.

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Game.

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Go irish.

Some dude behind me started talking shit, telling me to sit down. I asked him why he didn't appreciate my developed lats and traps. He had no response. It's almost pathetic how much I own the asshole ND fans.

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Awesome

"She's a first chair rusty trombonist"

"That's why I drink everclear. It makes me cool. "

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Riot juice

There was just a song on the radio that I think was about abortions.

BC Liveblog!

So today's a pretty big game for the irish, but I feel like people aren't as up for it as they should be (myself included).

Anyhow, the Drink of the Week is Riot Juice, as seen on Thursdays always sunny. It's perticularly applicable because if we lose there will be a riot. The indgredients, which are probably not 100pct accurate, are vodka, blue gatorade, and red bull. What pulls it all together is drinking it out of a clear water jug.

We just bought the ingredients and spent some time properly setting them up in styrofoam coolers. It's like we're transporting organs.