Bring in the Baron

Your favorite football team is down 4 with 20 seconds left with your opponent lining up to kick a field goal to go up by 7. Thankfully, your team is rumored to have a secret weapon. He is a 6'7", 275 lb, 34 year-old from Dusseldorf, Germany. He can't speak English and doesn't normally get in the game, but at this moment there is no player more important in the world.

Your team's only chance is to block, and subsequently house (that is, return for a TD) the impending kick. Thankfully, this is the specialty of the aptly named Otto von Blockenhaus, Baron of blocking kicks and returning them for touchdowns. He draws his power from his lederhosen (which he wears outside his uniform) and the Weizenbock he chugs before, and sometimes during, each play.

The actual existence of the Baron is disputed. There have been claims of Baron sightings at high school football games in rural Mongolia and the South. Unfortunately, these people have yet to discover video-recording technology so the existence of this creature remains uncertain. His purported modus operandi is to knife through the D-line like a ghost, catch the football immediately after it has been kicked, bitch-slap the kicker like town whore Fraulein Schuder, and rumble his way to the end zone.

The moral of the story is that there is hope. Next time your team is in a dire situation have faith and yell in your best German accent, "BRING IN ZEE BLOCKENHAUS!" He's your only chance.