BEST.
POLO.
EVER.
GET ME THIS NOW.
22.6.10
16.6.10
Why I Don't Like Soccer
**edit: one of the pictures I put on here earlier turned into porn (I guess a function of the site preventing people from directly linking pictures) so I apologize if I blew up someone's spot at work or ruined someone's virgin eyes. It's fixed now. Luckily it wasn't goatse-style or anything, HA**
I will start off by saying I wish I liked soccer. I would love to have more things that I am really interested in or captivated by. The more the better, right? So, to the same effect, I don't begrudge people that like soccer. Hell, if you enjoy staring at paint dry, go for it. I'll even paint a wall for you. (Hey, I love watching GOLF.)
Having that said, I feel a desire to articulate the reasoning behind my dislike of soccer. I think this is driven by ESPN's boardroom decision to push the World Cup ridiculously hard on the population. I feel like ESPN is telling me to like it and I want to tell ESPN to fuck off. I will never like soccer, and here are the reasons why:
1. Its rules severely dampen a human's god-given athletic ability.
Why would I want to watch a great athlete perform athletic functions under severely prohibitive constraints? A person's most dexterous part of their body is their hands. Disallowing use of that is like telling a pornstar to fuck with his/her pants on.
A lot of sports accentuate and exacerbate athletic ability. For example, a golfer hitting a ball 300 yards, which he could not do on his own. That, to me, is more entertaining because it is an exhibit of maximized, rather than mitigated and squelched, skill and athleticism.
To illustrate my point further, what if we constrained athletes even more? How about a new game where you can't use your legs or your arms? They could roll around on the ground and hit a ball around. This game would fucking suck to watch, and for the same reason soccer sucks.
2. VUVUZUELA or whatever that stupid-ass horn is called.
What kind of fucked game endorses and encourages a constant annoying-ass buzz that causes hearing-loss and annoys the shit out of everyone that watches it? Soccer.
3. Diving.
I don't even know where to start here, but the point is obvious. Just watch this:
Granted there is flopping in other sports, but nothing even close to what it is in soccer. I like sports where the athlete's have some real pride in toughness. Hell, some hockey player recently lost 7 teeth in a game and went right back out there. I do not like any game where acting like a pussy is a desirable quality that can lead to victory.
Seeing these guys roll around on the ground for like 5 minutes and then being back in the game 30 seconds later is just ridiculous. There should be a rule for every second you're on the ground you have to stay out of the game for a minute. Rolling around like a bitch for 30 seconds? You're out for a half hour.
4. Low Scoring
Proponents of low scoring will probably say that it just makes the goals more exciting. However, there is definitely diminishing returns after a point, and soccer is definitely in the realm of being way too low.
Other than just being boring, low scoring exacerbates any small error and accentuates the effect of luck on a game. You're the better team by a mile but there was one lucky bounce that caused a single goal? Too bad, you lose 1-0.
5. Ties
Again, obvious, but Jesus this is ridiculous. What other popular sport ends in ties so often?
Baseball? Never
Football? Probably less than 1%
Hockey? Never, shootouts now
Basketball? Never
Golf? Never
I can't even think of one that comes remotely close. Tying is called kissing your sister for a reason. I don't like incest-heavy sports.
Why can't they come up with a set of rules that still keeps game concepts intact but eases scoring a bit in overtime? Perhaps take a couple people off the field on both sides? This is not rocket science.
6. Mullets and Faux-Hawks
Jesus Christ this guy has both!
HOW IS A MULLET EVER A GOOD IDEA WHAT THE FUCK.
7. Racism
A large number of soccer fans are horribly outwardly racist it's ridiculous. Granted, that's because it's highly european, but the point stands.
8. Riots
I'm all for riots, but soccer fans take this shit way over the top. Like, people die. That is fucked up. There is definitely a threshold where it's not cool anymore. Soccer fans, calm the fuck down you clowns.
9. Foreigners
Enough said.
I will start off by saying I wish I liked soccer. I would love to have more things that I am really interested in or captivated by. The more the better, right? So, to the same effect, I don't begrudge people that like soccer. Hell, if you enjoy staring at paint dry, go for it. I'll even paint a wall for you. (Hey, I love watching GOLF.)
Having that said, I feel a desire to articulate the reasoning behind my dislike of soccer. I think this is driven by ESPN's boardroom decision to push the World Cup ridiculously hard on the population. I feel like ESPN is telling me to like it and I want to tell ESPN to fuck off. I will never like soccer, and here are the reasons why:
1. Its rules severely dampen a human's god-given athletic ability.
Why would I want to watch a great athlete perform athletic functions under severely prohibitive constraints? A person's most dexterous part of their body is their hands. Disallowing use of that is like telling a pornstar to fuck with his/her pants on.
A lot of sports accentuate and exacerbate athletic ability. For example, a golfer hitting a ball 300 yards, which he could not do on his own. That, to me, is more entertaining because it is an exhibit of maximized, rather than mitigated and squelched, skill and athleticism.
To illustrate my point further, what if we constrained athletes even more? How about a new game where you can't use your legs or your arms? They could roll around on the ground and hit a ball around. This game would fucking suck to watch, and for the same reason soccer sucks.
2. VUVUZUELA or whatever that stupid-ass horn is called.
What kind of fucked game endorses and encourages a constant annoying-ass buzz that causes hearing-loss and annoys the shit out of everyone that watches it? Soccer.
3. Diving.
I don't even know where to start here, but the point is obvious. Just watch this:
Granted there is flopping in other sports, but nothing even close to what it is in soccer. I like sports where the athlete's have some real pride in toughness. Hell, some hockey player recently lost 7 teeth in a game and went right back out there. I do not like any game where acting like a pussy is a desirable quality that can lead to victory.
Seeing these guys roll around on the ground for like 5 minutes and then being back in the game 30 seconds later is just ridiculous. There should be a rule for every second you're on the ground you have to stay out of the game for a minute. Rolling around like a bitch for 30 seconds? You're out for a half hour.
4. Low Scoring
Proponents of low scoring will probably say that it just makes the goals more exciting. However, there is definitely diminishing returns after a point, and soccer is definitely in the realm of being way too low.
Other than just being boring, low scoring exacerbates any small error and accentuates the effect of luck on a game. You're the better team by a mile but there was one lucky bounce that caused a single goal? Too bad, you lose 1-0.
5. Ties
Again, obvious, but Jesus this is ridiculous. What other popular sport ends in ties so often?
Baseball? Never
Football? Probably less than 1%
Hockey? Never, shootouts now
Basketball? Never
Golf? Never
I can't even think of one that comes remotely close. Tying is called kissing your sister for a reason. I don't like incest-heavy sports.
Why can't they come up with a set of rules that still keeps game concepts intact but eases scoring a bit in overtime? Perhaps take a couple people off the field on both sides? This is not rocket science.
6. Mullets and Faux-Hawks
Jesus Christ this guy has both!
HOW IS A MULLET EVER A GOOD IDEA WHAT THE FUCK.7. Racism
A large number of soccer fans are horribly outwardly racist it's ridiculous. Granted, that's because it's highly european, but the point stands.
8. Riots
I'm all for riots, but soccer fans take this shit way over the top. Like, people die. That is fucked up. There is definitely a threshold where it's not cool anymore. Soccer fans, calm the fuck down you clowns.
9. Foreigners
Enough said.
6.6.10
NO FUCKING WAY
The below is captured from facebook.
MANY PEOPLE WHO LIKE OXYGEN LIKE SEX!!!!! Facebook adding value since 2004.
Also, people who think computer programs/robots are going to take over the world need to take a hard look at this. Or, this was actually the program being intentionally funny oh my god we're all gonna die!
MANY PEOPLE WHO LIKE OXYGEN LIKE SEX!!!!! Facebook adding value since 2004.
Also, people who think computer programs/robots are going to take over the world need to take a hard look at this. Or, this was actually the program being intentionally funny oh my god we're all gonna die!
2.6.10
#1 Internet Thing
Aaaaaand finally, my favorite internet thing of all time. Raptor. Jesus.
I love my high-contrast humor, so what is better than a combination of one of the most loving and revered figures in human history and a ruthless killing machine? The answer to that question is 'nothing' in case you were confused.
I love my high-contrast humor, so what is better than a combination of one of the most loving and revered figures in human history and a ruthless killing machine? The answer to that question is 'nothing' in case you were confused.
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