Job Posting

So I've been looking around at new jobs recently and this is pretty much how they read:

Company: Firm name that we're not actually going to tell you because we are a recruiting service that cant tell our buttholes from the Taj Mahal is and we're here to run interference and make sure you can't get in touch with the company directly. Why the company engaged us we have no idea but we don't ask questions
Position: Senior Associate Dick Sucker

Responsibilities
-Coordinating bullshit activities with other bullshitters, doing shit that we are making sound here a lot more complicated and sophisticated than it actually is
-Leading bullshit which will lead to other bullshit. You will then shit out this shit, creating another shit. You must then polish this shit until it turns into a diamond.

Skills
-Ability to suck multiple dicks simultaneously, especially during the interview process, where we will give you a case study on dick sucking and expect you to suck in person for 12 people in a row
-Ability to jump through multiple hoops for hours on end, just to work your ass off and be paid market. This is the "new normal" and you will like it. Oh, and you must be able to suck dick while doing this.
-Lack of human dignity

Qualifications
-Either way less experience than you have to make you feel like you're going backwards, or way more than you have to make you feel like you have no chance
-4.5 GPA from a tier 1 school based on Intergalactic rankings. Please note there are none on earth. This is a requirement you bitch
-Certification denoted by three letters that doesn't teach you anything and that doesn't exist
-Token other qualification that has nothing to do with anything just put here to make people on the fence about applying to get the fuck out of here
-List of 30 generic skills put here for no reason because everyone reading this has these or at least thinks they do. Must be skilled communicator and a hard worker! Oh well I speak only pig latin and masturbate 12 hours a day so I am fucked.
-4 year post-graduate dick sucking school
-Fluent in Chinese -- oh shit we should have mentioned this earlier so you didn't read the whole thing oops our bad so sorry

Compensation: Competitive, which is code for no promises and being as low as we can possibly get away with. Oh, and we won't tell you until you suck all of our dicks and get an offer.



Where do I sign up?