Scoring the Twitter Bout

A certain dickhead named Rich Owen challenged me to a twitter war of words, not totaling beyond 180 characters. With no knockout we have to go to the judges' cards:

Round 1:
R: just decided...Im now in a tweet war with @jdizzle111 - hes like a brick, flat on both sides and gets laid mostly by dudes...

J: @rlowen3 's balls are like the ocean. Blue, dirty, and filled with crabs.

Winner= J, 0-1. J reacts quickly, landing a strong counter-punch with a crabs-related joke. Classic but still effective.

Round 2:

R: @jdizzle111 is so dumb when solving for x in 2(x-4) + 3x=0 his answer is -8. #dudecantsubtract

J: @rlowen3 got married one year ago today. Its theme was Star Wars: Deep Space 9. Dude was dressed as *Quark*. #Dorkpocalypse2011

Winner=R, 1-1. R almost lost this one throwing out a linear equation and the judges were unsure of it really implies he can't subtract. J had a good idea and theme but didn't execute well enough.

Round 3:
R: True story...there have only been 2 people @jdizzle111 has ever loved in his life...and one of them was a priest. #dudedidntgetasettlement

J: I once caught @rlowen3 having sex with a Twinkie. #Hostess #awkward #SnackCakes PS, it was in the ass.

Winner= J, 1-2. Hostess anal cake sex haymaker blow is nearly impossible to stop.

Round 4: 
R: @jdizzle111 's first sexual experience involved a girl in a back brace and him in a tight pair of jorts...oops not first, I meant his last.

J: 2 facts about @rlowen3 :1, he voted for Ross Perot in 1996. 2, he vacations exclusively at indoor waterparks. LOL!

Winner=R, 2-2. R's jort assault was lauded by the judges. Indoor waterparks is a strong counter by J and might have resulted in a draw without the gratuitous "lol" at the end. Too over the top.

Round 5:
R: Where @jdizzle111 is from hes considered nouveau riche...which, in PA, means his family tree might not be linear. #sister-mom #pacesucks

J: The base of @rlowen3 's "Pyramid for Success" is "Pancakes" #idiot

Winner: J, 2-3. Judges felt like R had poor execution as an inbred family tree would look more circular than linear. Totally moronic success pyramids edges this out.

Round 6: 
R: When asked what his favorite beer is @jdizzle111 always replies, "Zima". Sad part it that its hes not being ironic. #dudehas1992swag

J: At the bar @rlowen3 rolls up to ladies and tells them he "has a 401(k)", trying to get their panties wet. Strangely, this fails every time.

Winner: J, 2-4. Rocking Zima these days is dope considering they don't make it anymore. J's moves in this round lack bite or grace, but win by default.

Round 7:

R: @jdizzle111 claims to have had hundreds of lovers but we know this refers to the number of tube sox he owns. #crankthatsouljaboy

J: @rlowen3 's entire wardrobe is from TJ Maxx, K-Mart, and The Burlington Coat Factory

Winner: R, 3-4. R left an opening with a head-scratching hash tag, but J couldn't get a strong enough response. Judges felt like if he replaced K-Mart, with say, Old Navy, this would be more subtle and clever. As it stands sock-banging wins this one by a length.

Round 8: 

R: Since moving to PA @jdizzle111 has been hitting the gym hard to work on his "Oh Face". #dudecanonlydo1rep #MacPcantread

J: @rlowen3 thinks Wiz Khalifa is a venereal disease

Winner: J, 3-5. J was unstoppable this round, highlighting R's complete lack of cultural and medical knowledge in 6 words, a deadly combination.

Round 9: 

R: @jdizzle111 has a life goal of moving on up from Pennsyl-tucky to Florida where its "real classy like". #dudeisafraidofthedark

J: "Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. But here's my number-- so call me maybe!"- @rlowen3 at a business networking event

Winner: Draw. 3-5-1 Judges felt like J's effort is unstoppable if you hear the song in your head when you read it. However, this is too dependent on the audience and could have been executed better. The beginning of R's round starts bland, but ends strong with the hashtag, which is nicely unrelated.

Round 10:  
R: @jdizzle111 showed up this weekend for the tea party rally in Cranberry, PA...brought his own mug and some chamomile. #JDS<3Santorum

J: @rlowen3 has the most boring name of all time: Rich Owen. PSHHHHHHHH. Plus you can accurately call him a Dick. Double whammy. #ZeroNameSwag

Winner: J. 3-6-1. Both efforts are average but hashtag of "Zero Name Swag" was enough to sway the judges in J's favor.

Round 11: 

R: @jdizzle111 is so popular in PA that hes setting up concerts in the field behind his house.first performance photo http://bit.ly/IIluGP

J: @rlowen3 has an http://aol.com email address. Wake up and smell the coffee, Richard, it's the 90s!

Winner: R. 4-6-1. R almost had a knockdown in this round, putting J to the floor but it was deemed by the ref as an illegal punch -- using pictures. R wins the round but no knockout, no knockdown.

Winner of the bout: JDIZZLE. Strong match by both fighters but Dizzle brought some heat in 2 rounds that Satan himself could not stop.

Distance Stats

For fun....

Distance:

30 Chicago to airport
5,540 Chicago to Istanbul
391 Istanbul to Selcuk
230 Selcuk to Athens
652 Athens to Rome
149 Rome to Florence
313 Florence to Nice
362 Florence to Barcelona
530 Barcelona to Paris
542 Paris to Berlin
101 Berlin to Dresden
181 Desden to Krumlov
124 Krumlov to Vienna
244 Vienna to Krakow
579 Krakow to Copenhagen
192 Copenhagen to Hamburg
251 Hamburg to Amsterdam
133 Amsterdam to Bruges
(now)
256 Bruges to London
340 London to Edinburgh
340 Edinburgh to London
3,952 London to Chicago
425 Chicago to Pittsburgh

Total:
15,857 miles. Pretty much all of this assumes a dead-straight shot (except for the driving or I remember exact train partial stops, which is rare), so conservatively add 30% to this (wouldnt be surprised it's 40-50+ given how fucked some of my rail routes were) and it's 20,614.

The circumference of the Earth is roughly 24,900 miles. I must admit, I'm caught up on this stat even though it's completely meaningless (all miles are not created equal in quite a number of facets). For some reason, I want to say on this trip I traveled the equivalent of the circumference of the earth so effing bad. I'm 4k short. With all of the walking, intracity rail travel, cabs, getting lost, swerves, vertical travel, and bullshit, that HAS to take me to the promised land. I think I could legitimately argue for a 50% bump factor. This brings me to 23,800, over 1K short. FUCK. I NEED TO LOOP BACK THROUGH SLOVAKIA FUCK THIS.

I may be taking trip to Toronto and Baltimore before I start work, so maybe I can throw that into JD 1H2012 Trip of Dumbassery. That should put me just above the mark.

In any case, fuck this, and fuck you. I'm saying I traveled roughly the circumference of the world and I don't care it's based on dubious calculations and assumptions. This is how people get shit done. They stretch, lie, and cheat. That's how the world works and that's how I'm doing it.

Hay everybody it's Rant Wednesday

I've heard probably 10 people, at least, in my life either blatantly brag that they don't own a TV or at least mention that fact when it wasn't necessary at all. This shit drives me up the fucking wall.

I'm sorry, why should I be impressed you don't own a TV? I guess what you imply by that is you have such a focus of your time on superior intellectual activities that not a modicum of your time can be wasted on something as drab and mindless as something on TV. Or maybe you're too far off the "mainstream" to be entertained by something mass distributed. Or maybe you're a hyper-popular socialite. I'm sure the reasoning, or rather message, varies.

Rather than providing secondary or periphery evidence of a lifestyle or skill set, how about actually exude it? Or just blast it out. Fuck, I'd rather someone roll up into my grill, rip off some quote from Shakespeare, and say "betcha don't know which sonnet that's from, BIIIITCH." That is so, so, so much better than saying that you don't have a TV. Christ.

Of course there's a billion annoying expressions of insecurity and/or arrogance out there, but this one really gets to me.

New blog

For those of you who don't know, I have a blog for my just-starting insanity trip over at dizzlesandiego.Blogspot.com

Tweetendum

I have a twitter account where I produce combinations of up to 140 characters meant to incite some sort of human reaction when read and understood.

I often have thoughts that run more than 140 characters but are not long enough to be blog-worthy. Let's post them here.

To start:

I visited the wedding website of a friend which was so terribly corny, emotional, and badly produced that it created a searing sensation in a few locations in my brain. After a moment I took a deep breath. Perhaps these two are deep thinkers. Perhaps they created this to make us question our own sanity? Clever, clever friends. #coping

Rant

Ok, folks, I'm going to try to squeeze in a couple posts before year-end, just so when I look back on this 2011 doesn't looks like a totally lost year. (As if 2012 will be super-active, but anyhow...)

Before we get to the meat of this post I want to mention that upcoming, before year end, there will be a post that details strategy, nuance, and general survival on the chicago public transit system. It will be nonsense if you don't live here, but you can still marvel at its insanity regardless.

Now, on to what I want to talk about. I preface this with that this is a rant, is unstructured, has misspellings, I'm drunk, and I don't care. And fuck you.


Well, and with that.... Let's talk about college football. This is the subject of the post so let's just... #collegefootball. Ah, ok, now it's official. Now's the time of year where pundits, fans, media, so on and so forth, debate, ramble, rabble on and on and on and on about who should be in what bowl, this and that. A large part of the discussion surrounds who should be in the BCS. Even more granularly, who should be numbers one and two. That's what the goddamn thing was created for anyhow though, right?

Is it alabama and LSU? LSU and OK State? LSU and GoFuckYourMother State? People talk and debate and wonder and project on this till they're blue in the face and blue in the balls. This is basically like deciding which deck chair should be the #1 seed on the titanic. Let's back up a bit...

The BCS, for as fucked as it is, at least has a stated purpose -- pitting the #1 and #2 teams against each other at the end of the year. Ok, your formulas are stupid, but I can appreciate that it has a mission statement. It gives us a context within which to work. But really, we can extrapolate this. Let's ask the natural next question-- what is the purpose of NCAA football? Am I dropping goddamn acid or am I the only person who has ever even asked this question? When has this been discussed on Sports Center? Yes, we talk about how fast Brian McClusterfuck's 40 time is or how many times LSU's cheerleaders have been banged, but has anyone ever even thought of what the fuck is going on at a high level?

"Ahhh shit, Buttfuck State should be #3 not number 2. Goatse U had the same record and played a much better schedule. Plus they have a bigger butthole. Fuck BS, fuck Coach Shitnuts, fuck the system" Ah yes, fuck the system. But what system are you talk about? You get bent over percentages in the BCS? Are you mad?

Fuck, I don't even care *what* is going on. I just want to know what the fuck is *supposed* to be going on. Someone answer the following questions:

What is the intended competitive landscape supposed to look like? What drives success? What is the path, purpose, and nature of the player? The coach? Athletic administration? Under what terms and constraints is success defined? How is it rewarded? How are the schools supposed to interact and compete? What are the controls, potential sanctions, mechanics, etc., that ensure, govern, or whateverthefuck all of the above? No details. High level.

Really, you can sum the above: what's the paradigm of college football?

No common college football fan and certainly no pundit would be able to answer any of those above. I imagine the common response would be "duuuuuhgghhhhrrrrROLL TAIHHHD." I'm sure the NCAA would say something like "Well, it's all guhhhhhhhhr student athlete, competition, tradition, tv, well some money too, ahh look over there is that justin beiber setting off fireworks with selena gomez's titties and pussy poppin out all over the place. Pussy juice, fire, pop songs, everywhere. /runs"

I venture to guess there are some sort of answers to these in the NCAA bylaws, operating agreements, or whatever. But the fact that I nor anyone really know about these makes them pointless anyhow. College football, to the casual observer -- or, well, to any observer -- is a hot mess of free market, NCAA posturing, and vague virtue soap box gangbangs.

Well, what it is right now is of importance, but really of more importance is creating an ideal and a roadmap. The NCAA (or, more broadly and perhaps more accurately, college football) is at a crossroads and needs to define that map.

To be clear, I don't expect CFB to be a beacon of perfect rules, perfect actors, and a perfect environment in a sea of chaos in insanity. Yes, I think we can get a whole lot closer to where we want to go (ps this is going to take government intervention, but that issue is a whole 'nother post) but step one is figuring out what that is, or at least saying it out loud. Let's hold hands, stand in a circle, and say what the NCAA should be. If that's "a shitshow free market system where whoever cheats the most, has the hottest chicks, pays players the most, does the most steroids, spends the most money, has the most strategic (read: pathetic) schedule, and conjures the most luck WINS," then let's fucking do it. Full speed ahead with the whores, money, roids, TV, gamblin, death, explosions, titties, and whatnot. Let's fucking do it. At least that will shut people up. Half of them maybe.

Should rename this post "a case study in why people take pills." Prozac, quaaludes, booze, etc, gimme....

Ahh yes, where was I going with this. Oklahoma State should be number 2. Alabama had their chance, Ok State finished strong. Madness, I tell you. Check the formulas. Or don't. Don't really care. It's college football, who the fuck cares?

CTA Roulette

Since this is morphing into a public transit blog (if I really went down this path I could probably get some real traffic rather than myself and my imaginary pet hamster, John Calligan), I figured I'd share a thought.

CTA buses were designed by the twisted surgeon from Human Centipede. However, instead of sewing people ass-to-mouth people are pressed together via confined spaces ass-to-ass, dick-to-ass, and sometimes the somewhat rare face-to-ass or dick-to-face. This is only a part of the problem, but the seats are designed with a width that would make Spirit airlines cringe.

Anyhow, what I'm getting at is you are going to get an assful of ass based on who you sit next to. I only sit when I need to do some work or I know it won't be crowded or I know it will be so crowded I will be in the way at every stop. I find myself in situations with an empty seat next to me and people walking by while I'm hoping to get a good draw. Contrary to popular belief, not all asses are created equal. Here is the heirarchy of asses as it relates to people sitting next to me -- in descending order of preference:

1. Hot chick - needs no explanation
2. Other normal-sized chicks under 40
3. Child ages 5-13, average sized or less, no ADHD
4. Older woman who does not smell like candle store
5. Elderly people who could run a sub 20-second 40 yard dash
6. Normal sized or less dude who has a white collar job and has a sense of personal space
7. Child up to age 5 assuming they're not all up in my shit
8. Normal to above average sized dude who has no concept of personal space. Some people will seriously sit on your lap even if there's tons of room (important note hot chicks do NOT do this. certainly not to me)
9. Homeless person with no smell or pleasant smell
10. Obese people
11. Homeless person who smells like wet garbage
12. Rosie O'Donnell
13. Crazy person who is yelling about absolutely nothing- you would be surprised at how many of this type there are

What's weird is that I'm not an uptight person at all but I just can't stand being packed in with these people. I don't know how other people who are way more sensitive deal with it.

Oh, and this is NOT like being on a plane. Those people you at least know don't have weapons, are sane enough to find the airport and get thought security, have enough money to get a plane ticket, and potentially have some sort of meaning in their lives because they have to actually go somewhere outside the neighborhood.

Ok, I'm up late and have just rambled this whole thing off.

Blogation Station - Your NUMBER ONE SOURCE for EURO MULLETS and MOTOR DRANX

This is pretty absurd. I found that Blogger keeps stats on certain things for the blogs. One is search keywords that let to the site. Leading the charge is European Mullet. "Meritas masturbate" and "Motor Dranx" has some cathing up to do.

Job Posting

So I've been looking around at new jobs recently and this is pretty much how they read:

Company: Firm name that we're not actually going to tell you because we are a recruiting service that cant tell our buttholes from the Taj Mahal is and we're here to run interference and make sure you can't get in touch with the company directly. Why the company engaged us we have no idea but we don't ask questions
Position: Senior Associate Dick Sucker

Responsibilities
-Coordinating bullshit activities with other bullshitters, doing shit that we are making sound here a lot more complicated and sophisticated than it actually is
-Leading bullshit which will lead to other bullshit. You will then shit out this shit, creating another shit. You must then polish this shit until it turns into a diamond.

Skills
-Ability to suck multiple dicks simultaneously, especially during the interview process, where we will give you a case study on dick sucking and expect you to suck in person for 12 people in a row
-Ability to jump through multiple hoops for hours on end, just to work your ass off and be paid market. This is the "new normal" and you will like it. Oh, and you must be able to suck dick while doing this.
-Lack of human dignity

Qualifications
-Either way less experience than you have to make you feel like you're going backwards, or way more than you have to make you feel like you have no chance
-4.5 GPA from a tier 1 school based on Intergalactic rankings. Please note there are none on earth. This is a requirement you bitch
-Certification denoted by three letters that doesn't teach you anything and that doesn't exist
-Token other qualification that has nothing to do with anything just put here to make people on the fence about applying to get the fuck out of here
-List of 30 generic skills put here for no reason because everyone reading this has these or at least thinks they do. Must be skilled communicator and a hard worker! Oh well I speak only pig latin and masturbate 12 hours a day so I am fucked.
-4 year post-graduate dick sucking school
-Fluent in Chinese -- oh shit we should have mentioned this earlier so you didn't read the whole thing oops our bad so sorry

Compensation: Competitive, which is code for no promises and being as low as we can possibly get away with. Oh, and we won't tell you until you suck all of our dicks and get an offer.



Where do I sign up?

Humanity has gotten entirely too comfortable.

I was sitting on the bus about 10 minutes ago and pried my eyes away from my phone for a minute to really soak in the scene and take inventory of the present cast of characters. Here's what I saw:

A 45 year old dude with a white Chesire Cat shirt tucked into his black jorts. The back of the shirt was a rear view of the cat.

An 80 year old man wearing a purple hat, purple sweater, and purple bag that was really a fanny pack he was just carrying around like a purse. Note that these were all different shades of purple.

A 35 year old woman with SEVEN kids aged 3-6.

A short, plump, 60 year old woman wearing a derby-like hat that was made out of pastel-colored plaid, had a fuchsia ribbon wrapped around it and 2 gigantic purple and white flowers that looked like they were straight plucked out of Fern Gully.

A large 40 year old woman in a full-out yellow poncho. Note that IT IS NOT RAINING.

A Mexican man with a hat that said "America" on it but was yellow, brown, and black and had no american symbolism on it. Where someone gets a knock-off america hat I have no clue.

A 50 year old woman who literally looks like she's dead. She's standing and moving but she looks like she's dead. This is definitely the look she was going for too. Goth just gone entirely wrong.

A homeless person in a winter coat, hood over head, passed out for the day.

Maybe 10 percent of the people on there could have run a quarter mile at 6mph.

I can't make this shit up. And note that all of this is in no way unusual. In fact this might be one of the more normal bunches of people you see on the bus. For instance last week there was a guy that kept yelling that he "needed a converter box for his TV, maaan" in various tones and intervals.



I don't know what to say, really. I just want to start a dialogue to look for solutions, because there's something that's just not right here. I'm not even sure what the root problem even IS, but I know when I'm staring at someone with the rain forest on their head that there is something out of balance in the universe.

What if we released a swarm of bears upon the nation? Millions of bears which are modified to be really slow and really, really dumb. If you can't run away from the bears or if you can't outsmart the bears, you are eaten. I try hard not to think like some elitist/darwinist/whatever, but you can't judge me until you've sat on the mid-day crosstown bus as much as I have. You just can't.

Humanity is entirely too comfortable.


Side note: this blog might just morph into a 'bus observations' blog because it writes itself and I obviously don't tend to this thing anymore.

Most Hilarious Spam Message Ever

I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia [url=http://www.buypenisenlargement.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. [url=http://www.male-sexual-styles.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement They’re coming back now. [url=http://vimax3-4.com]vimax[/url] vimax Please send help! nitip [url=http://www.male-sexual.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement

If I had a dollar for every time I got held prisoner by the Russian Mafia and was forced to peddle cock enlargement pills by posting spam messages on random blog posts I'd have $272.50. The 50 cents is for the one time it was Vicodin.

No One Man Should Have All That Flour

I want to investigate something curious that perhaps directly involves me.


Inception

On May 3rd 2010, I tweeted this:
"I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven. When I awoke I spent that on a breakfast. #kanyefoodlyrics" (Real lyric within first 15 secs here.)

and 2 days later this:
"Mayonnaise covered pringles, I eat miracle chips. #kanyefoodlyrics" (original here)

Around this time period a couple friends came up with their own food lyrics. Example here.

Jokingly I said Kanye Food Lyrics are going global, son. At this point in time it was just one of my random musings.


Patient Zero

I can't really connect the dots here, and perhaps there is no way to connect them, but sometime in January/December, the kanye food lyric "No one man should have (also, "use") all that flour" started to catch on. The origin of this lyric I cannot trace, but the earliest use was in a random thread in July 2010, but I don't think it really caught on until it was used by a handful of random people in December/January in the Twitter-verse. The earliest example I can find is here (or perhaps here, but I can't verify the date) by some random comedian and it was also used by some well-followed internet writer Drew Magary here. Note that some uses of this lyric use my original hash tag of #kanyefoodlyrics.

The Meme

On January 9th, someone decided to really run with the "No one man should have all the flour" concept and designed a site around it. http://noonemanshouldhaveallthatflour.tumblr.com/ There's not a whole lot of content -- about 50 or so lyrics -- but there's a lot of interesting/hilarious stuff (eg pic below) and it's created somewhat of a stir and arguably sparked a broader internet meme.



Examples of popularity:

A search for "no one man should have all that flour" results in 23K google hits.
A search for "noonemanshouldhaveallthatflour," which returns sites that link to that certain website, yields 98K hits.
Someone actually did an entire food remix.
Toast to the douche bags.


Reach

I guess it's hard to really quantify or classify the gravity/reach of this meme, but I'm sure it's touched the computer screens of at least 100's of thousands of people (at least 98k links on the web for just that site and probably growing) and perhaps millions. And just a guess based on what I've seen through my searching, but easily thousands have come up with their own food lyrics.


What happened here?

Obviously I wrote and researched this whole thing because I wanted to see if there was evidence that I started this whole thing. I would say there's no evidence that I started it and it's extremely unlikely that I actually did (but technically possible.) There is, however, significant evidence that I was the first one to think of it -- my idea originating in May and the first other found instance in July. In the sciences, the first one gets credit for discovery, right?

Really I'm joking and don't think I was particularly hilarious or creative (if you have a good idea and can't execute -- eg creating a dedicated website, etc -- then who really cares), but it's remarkable something I joked about becoming a meme actually did 8 months later. It's especially remarkable given how unique/random/odd it is.

Back Alive Bitches

So I've had a new phone for a few weeks and it has 'predictive text input' or whatever, so you have to add new words that arent in its dictionary. Words I've added in 3 weeks of usage:

100pct
26k
5-10
6-4
A-woww
Aaaargh
Ahhahahahha
Awww
BITCH
Boca
Booo
Congrats
DJ's
Def
Duffy
Duffyland
Edsbs
Erin
Fraulein
Gl
HIV
Hahah
Macku
Meritas
Nah
Omfg
Plurk
Prolly
Ummm
Whatz
Yessss
Youz
Yyyyep
ass
azz
bf
bittersweet
bombard
boooring
burb
chumbawumba
chyna
could've
crap
damn
dawg
decir
dell
dion
djs
dont
familia
fo
fucking
gaga
galph
gtg
hah
haha
halsted
het
hipsters
horray
hulu
idaho/utah
il
iss
jorts
lil
logogates
macarena
mal
mayan
namo
northbrook
nous
ood
pisses
rotfl
rst
seinfeld
ses
sho
should've
stillers
super-awesome
tailgate
taio
thurr
thx
to-be
ttyl
tues
unfo
uuuuugh
vm
wk
wmu
would've
wtf

So I've analyzed and thought hard about this list and what it says about me. After days of self-reflection, my conclusion is this. I... am an asshole. "Thurr"? "Chumbawumba"? "rotfl"? "azz"? "unfo"? "dawg"? Jesus H Christ I am a fucking douche.

As seen on the skreetz

You will have to trust me that the license plate below reads "FISTED". It might be the most disappointing moment in my life not capturing this properly. Fuck you blackberry and your non-still-motion-capturing asses.

Also, strange that this plate is on a chevy blazer or whatever the fuck that is. Would have imagined it on a F150 or something. Also, this guy is likely not intending to do much nefarious in the piece. Bc forget about people not noticing your plate. 'Yeah, officer, I remember the dude who shot at us. His plate said FISTED'

As Seen on the Skreetz

This is just some family's car I saw. Hahaha. Awesome.

Took this from a TV show I was watching.

BEST.
POLO.
EVER.

GET ME THIS NOW.

Why I Don't Like Soccer

**edit: one of the pictures I put on here earlier turned into porn (I guess a function of the site preventing people from directly linking pictures) so I apologize if I blew up someone's spot at work or ruined someone's virgin eyes. It's fixed now. Luckily it wasn't goatse-style or anything, HA**


I will start off by saying I wish I liked soccer. I would love to have more things that I am really interested in or captivated by. The more the better, right? So, to the same effect, I don't begrudge people that like soccer. Hell, if you enjoy staring at paint dry, go for it. I'll even paint a wall for you. (Hey, I love watching GOLF.)

Having that said, I feel a desire to articulate the reasoning behind my dislike of soccer. I think this is driven by ESPN's boardroom decision to push the World Cup ridiculously hard on the population. I feel like ESPN is telling me to like it and I want to tell ESPN to fuck off. I will never like soccer, and here are the reasons why:

1. Its rules severely dampen a human's god-given athletic ability.

Why would I want to watch a great athlete perform athletic functions under severely prohibitive constraints? A person's most dexterous part of their body is their hands. Disallowing use of that is like telling a pornstar to fuck with his/her pants on.
A lot of sports accentuate and exacerbate athletic ability. For example, a golfer hitting a ball 300 yards, which he could not do on his own. That, to me, is more entertaining because it is an exhibit of maximized, rather than mitigated and squelched, skill and athleticism.
To illustrate my point further, what if we constrained athletes even more? How about a new game where you can't use your legs or your arms? They could roll around on the ground and hit a ball around. This game would fucking suck to watch, and for the same reason soccer sucks.

2. VUVUZUELA or whatever that stupid-ass horn is called.
What kind of fucked game endorses and encourages a constant annoying-ass buzz that causes hearing-loss and annoys the shit out of everyone that watches it? Soccer.

3. Diving.

I don't even know where to start here, but the point is obvious. Just watch this:


Granted there is flopping in other sports, but nothing even close to what it is in soccer. I like sports where the athlete's have some real pride in toughness. Hell, some hockey player recently lost 7 teeth in a game and went right back out there. I do not like any game where acting like a pussy is a desirable quality that can lead to victory.
Seeing these guys roll around on the ground for like 5 minutes and then being back in the game 30 seconds later is just ridiculous. There should be a rule for every second you're on the ground you have to stay out of the game for a minute. Rolling around like a bitch for 30 seconds? You're out for a half hour.
4. Low Scoring

Proponents of low scoring will probably say that it just makes the goals more exciting. However, there is definitely diminishing returns after a point, and soccer is definitely in the realm of being way too low.
Other than just being boring, low scoring exacerbates any small error and accentuates the effect of luck on a game. You're the better team by a mile but there was one lucky bounce that caused a single goal? Too bad, you lose 1-0.

5. Ties

Again, obvious, but Jesus this is ridiculous. What other popular sport ends in ties so often?
Baseball? Never
Football? Probably less than 1%
Hockey? Never, shootouts now
Basketball? Never
Golf? Never

I can't even think of one that comes remotely close. Tying is called kissing your sister for a reason. I don't like incest-heavy sports.

Why can't they come up with a set of rules that still keeps game concepts intact but eases scoring a bit in overtime? Perhaps take a couple people off the field on both sides? This is not rocket science.
6. Mullets and Faux-Hawks

Jesus Christ this guy has both!

HOW IS A MULLET EVER A GOOD IDEA WHAT THE FUCK.

7. Racism

A large number of soccer fans are horribly outwardly racist it's ridiculous. Granted, that's because it's highly european, but the point stands.

8. Riots

I'm all for riots, but soccer fans take this shit way over the top. Like, people die. That is fucked up. There is definitely a threshold where it's not cool anymore. Soccer fans, calm the fuck down you clowns.

9. Foreigners

Enough said.

NO FUCKING WAY

The below is captured from facebook.



MANY PEOPLE WHO LIKE OXYGEN LIKE SEX!!!!! Facebook adding value since 2004.

Also, people who think computer programs/robots are going to take over the world need to take a hard look at this. Or, this was actually the program being intentionally funny oh my god we're all gonna die!

#1 Internet Thing

Aaaaaand finally, my favorite internet thing of all time. Raptor. Jesus.



I love my high-contrast humor, so what is better than a combination of one of the most loving and revered figures in human history and a ruthless killing machine? The answer to that question is 'nothing' in case you were confused.

I posted this as a craigslist ad last week

Sadly, no one responded.


------------------------------------------------------
I play in a cornhole league at a bar with some friends and none of these clowns can make it next week (May 19th), so I need to find someone to fill in. This lucky person can bring a friend too if desired.

Requirements:
-21 to 30 years old
-At least 1 year cornhole experience
-Knowledge of basic cornhole strategy/rules, including scoring, use of guards (especially against certain opponent shot trajectory types), psychological tactics, etc.
-Skill level to where you can score on average at least 5 points (gross rather than net) a turn
-Ability to perform in adverse playing conditions, including but not limited to: low ceilings, hanging televisions, annoying music, leering people, bathroom attendants, poor lighting, and waitstaff walking randomly in between boards
-You must call the act of sinking 4 bags in a turn a 'Jumanji' because this is the proper term

Please contact and include an essay about why you should be my partner. It must be at least 150 words in length -- this is not Twitter. Not required, but please also provide a picture of yourself holding something corn-related with a thumbs-up, just so I can confirm what you look like, which may also help me believe that you're not some sort of freak.