9.2.11

No One Man Should Have All That Flour

I want to investigate something curious that perhaps directly involves me.


Inception


On May 3rd 2010, I tweeted this:
"I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven. When I awoke I spent that on a breakfast. #kanyefoodlyrics" (Real lyric within first 15 secs here.)

and 2 days later this:
"Mayonnaise covered pringles, I eat miracle chips. #kanyefoodlyrics" (original here)

Around this time period a couple friends came up with their own food lyrics. Example here.

Jokingly I said Kanye Food Lyrics are going global, son. At this point in time it was just one of my random musings.


Patient Zero

I can't really connect the dots here, and perhaps there is no way to connect them, but sometime in January/December, the kanye food lyric "No one man should have (also, "use") all that flour" started to catch on. The origin of this lyric I cannot trace, but the earliest use was in a random thread in July 2010, but I don't think it really caught on until it was used by a handful of random people in December/January in the Twitter-verse. The earliest example I can find is here (or perhaps here, but I can't verify the date) by some random comedian and it was also used by some well-followed internet writer Drew Magary here. Note that some uses of this lyric use my original hash tag of #kanyefoodlyrics.

The Meme

On January 9th, someone decided to really run with the "No one man should have all the flour" concept and designed a site around it. http://noonemanshouldhaveallthatflour.tumblr.com/ There's not a whole lot of content -- about 50 or so lyrics -- but there's a lot of interesting/hilarious stuff (eg pic below) and it's created somewhat of a stir and arguably sparked a broader internet meme.



Examples of popularity:

A search for "no one man should have all that flour" results in 23K google hits.
A search for "noonemanshouldhaveallthatflour," which returns sites that link to that certain website, yields 98K hits.
Someone actually did an entire food remix.
Toast to the douche bags.


Reach

I guess it's hard to really quantify or classify the gravity/reach of this meme, but I'm sure it's touched the computer screens of at least 100's of thousands of people (at least 98k links on the web for just that site and probably growing) and perhaps millions. And just a guess based on what I've seen through my searching, but easily thousands have come up with their own food lyrics.


What happened here?

Obviously I wrote and researched this whole thing because I wanted to see if there was evidence that I started this whole thing. I would say there's no evidence that I started it and it's extremely unlikely that I actually did (but technically possible.) There is, however, significant evidence that I was the first one to think of it -- my idea originating in May and the first other found instance in July. In the sciences, the first one gets credit for discovery, right?

Really I'm joking and don't think I was particularly hilarious or creative (if you have a good idea and can't execute -- eg creating a dedicated website, etc -- then who really cares), but it's remarkable something I joked about becoming a meme actually did 8 months later. It's especially remarkable given how unique/random/odd it is.

22.10.10

Back Alive Bitches

So I've had a new phone for a few weeks and it has 'predictive text input' or whatever, so you have to add new words that arent in its dictionary. Words I've added in 3 weeks of usage:

100pct
26k
5-10
6-4
A-woww
Aaaargh
Ahhahahahha
Awww
BITCH
Boca
Booo
Congrats
DJ's
Def
Duffy
Duffyland
Edsbs
Erin
Fraulein
Gl
HIV
Hahah
Macku
Meritas
Nah
Omfg
Plurk
Prolly
Ummm
Whatz
Yessss
Youz
Yyyyep
ass
azz
bf
bittersweet
bombard
boooring
burb
chumbawumba
chyna
could've
crap
damn
dawg
decir
dell
dion
djs
dont
familia
fo
fucking
gaga
galph
gtg
hah
haha
halsted
het
hipsters
horray
hulu
idaho/utah
il
iss
jorts
lil
logogates
macarena
mal
mayan
namo
northbrook
nous
ood
pisses
rotfl
rst
seinfeld
ses
sho
should've
stillers
super-awesome
tailgate
taio
thurr
thx
to-be
ttyl
tues
unfo
uuuuugh
vm
wk
wmu
would've
wtf

So I've analyzed and thought hard about this list and what it says about me. After days of self-reflection, my conclusion is this. I... am an asshole. "Thurr"? "Chumbawumba"? "rotfl"? "azz"? "unfo"? "dawg"? Jesus H Christ I am a fucking douche.

17.7.10

As seen on the skreetz

You will have to trust me that the license plate below reads "FISTED". It might be the most disappointing moment in my life not capturing this properly. Fuck you blackberry and your non-still-motion-capturing asses.

Also, strange that this plate is on a chevy blazer or whatever the fuck that is. Would have imagined it on a F150 or something. Also, this guy is likely not intending to do much nefarious in the piece. Bc forget about people not noticing your plate. 'Yeah, officer, I remember the dude who shot at us. His plate said FISTED'

1.7.10

As Seen on the Skreetz

This is just some family's car I saw. Hahaha. Awesome.

22.6.10

Took this from a TV show I was watching.

BEST.
POLO.
EVER.

GET ME THIS NOW.

16.6.10

Why I Don't Like Soccer

**edit: one of the pictures I put on here earlier turned into porn (I guess a function of the site preventing people from directly linking pictures) so I apologize if I blew up someone's spot at work or ruined someone's virgin eyes. It's fixed now. Luckily it wasn't goatse-style or anything, HA**


I will start off by saying I wish I liked soccer. I would love to have more things that I am really interested in or captivated by. The more the better, right? So, to the same effect, I don't begrudge people that like soccer. Hell, if you enjoy staring at paint dry, go for it. I'll even paint a wall for you. (Hey, I love watching GOLF.)

Having that said, I feel a desire to articulate the reasoning behind my dislike of soccer. I think this is driven by ESPN's boardroom decision to push the World Cup ridiculously hard on the population. I feel like ESPN is telling me to like it and I want to tell ESPN to fuck off. I will never like soccer, and here are the reasons why:

1. Its rules severely dampen a human's god-given athletic ability.

Why would I want to watch a great athlete perform athletic functions under severely prohibitive constraints? A person's most dexterous part of their body is their hands. Disallowing use of that is like telling a pornstar to fuck with his/her pants on.
A lot of sports accentuate and exacerbate athletic ability. For example, a golfer hitting a ball 300 yards, which he could not do on his own. That, to me, is more entertaining because it is an exhibit of maximized, rather than mitigated and squelched, skill and athleticism.
To illustrate my point further, what if we constrained athletes even more? How about a new game where you can't use your legs or your arms? They could roll around on the ground and hit a ball around. This game would fucking suck to watch, and for the same reason soccer sucks.

2. VUVUZUELA or whatever that stupid-ass horn is called.
What kind of fucked game endorses and encourages a constant annoying-ass buzz that causes hearing-loss and annoys the shit out of everyone that watches it? Soccer.

3. Diving.

I don't even know where to start here, but the point is obvious. Just watch this:


Granted there is flopping in other sports, but nothing even close to what it is in soccer. I like sports where the athlete's have some real pride in toughness. Hell, some hockey player recently lost 7 teeth in a game and went right back out there. I do not like any game where acting like a pussy is a desirable quality that can lead to victory.
Seeing these guys roll around on the ground for like 5 minutes and then being back in the game 30 seconds later is just ridiculous. There should be a rule for every second you're on the ground you have to stay out of the game for a minute. Rolling around like a bitch for 30 seconds? You're out for a half hour.
4. Low Scoring

Proponents of low scoring will probably say that it just makes the goals more exciting. However, there is definitely diminishing returns after a point, and soccer is definitely in the realm of being way too low.
Other than just being boring, low scoring exacerbates any small error and accentuates the effect of luck on a game. You're the better team by a mile but there was one lucky bounce that caused a single goal? Too bad, you lose 1-0.

5. Ties

Again, obvious, but Jesus this is ridiculous. What other popular sport ends in ties so often?
Baseball? Never
Football? Probably less than 1%
Hockey? Never, shootouts now
Basketball? Never
Golf? Never

I can't even think of one that comes remotely close. Tying is called kissing your sister for a reason. I don't like incest-heavy sports.

Why can't they come up with a set of rules that still keeps game concepts intact but eases scoring a bit in overtime? Perhaps take a couple people off the field on both sides? This is not rocket science.
6. Mullets and Faux-Hawks

Jesus Christ this guy has both!

HOW IS A MULLET EVER A GOOD IDEA WHAT THE FUCK.

7. Racism

A large number of soccer fans are horribly outwardly racist it's ridiculous. Granted, that's because it's highly european, but the point stands.

8. Riots

I'm all for riots, but soccer fans take this shit way over the top. Like, people die. That is fucked up. There is definitely a threshold where it's not cool anymore. Soccer fans, calm the fuck down you clowns.

9. Foreigners

Enough said.

6.6.10

NO FUCKING WAY

The below is captured from facebook.



MANY PEOPLE WHO LIKE OXYGEN LIKE SEX!!!!! Facebook adding value since 2004.

Also, people who think computer programs/robots are going to take over the world need to take a hard look at this. Or, this was actually the program being intentionally funny oh my god we're all gonna die!

2.6.10

#1 Internet Thing

Aaaaaand finally, my favorite internet thing of all time. Raptor. Jesus.



I love my high-contrast humor, so what is better than a combination of one of the most loving and revered figures in human history and a ruthless killing machine? The answer to that question is 'nothing' in case you were confused.

19.5.10

I posted this as a craigslist ad last week

Sadly, no one responded.


------------------------------------------------------
I play in a cornhole league at a bar with some friends and none of these clowns can make it next week (May 19th), so I need to find someone to fill in. This lucky person can bring a friend too if desired.

Requirements:
-21 to 30 years old
-At least 1 year cornhole experience
-Knowledge of basic cornhole strategy/rules, including scoring, use of guards (especially against certain opponent shot trajectory types), psychological tactics, etc.
-Skill level to where you can score on average at least 5 points (gross rather than net) a turn
-Ability to perform in adverse playing conditions, including but not limited to: low ceilings, hanging televisions, annoying music, leering people, bathroom attendants, poor lighting, and waitstaff walking randomly in between boards
-You must call the act of sinking 4 bags in a turn a 'Jumanji' because this is the proper term

Please contact and include an essay about why you should be my partner. It must be at least 150 words in length -- this is not Twitter. Not required, but please also provide a picture of yourself holding something corn-related with a thumbs-up, just so I can confirm what you look like, which may also help me believe that you're not some sort of freak.

18.5.10

#2 Internet Thing

CAKE SONG



You will go insane if you watch this enough. I use to be a completely normal person before I saw this.

PS, THIS CHICK IS MAD HOT JUST KIDDING SHE'S LIKE 12 LOL

17.5.10

#3 Internet Thing

http://jurassicparkwtf.ytmnd.com/

Gets me every time.

13.5.10

#4 Internet Thing



I LOVE THIS LITTLE GUY. My goal in life is to start sneezing like this.

10.5.10

N64 controller hooked up to my TV in my hotel. Someone needs to tell management it's not 1995 anymore.

#5 Internet Thing

#5 Nightmare Fuel

This isn't actually called 'nightmare fuel,' I dubbed it that. This is the creepiest youtube video I've ever seen and it's not even close.

9.5.10

#6 Internet Thing

#6 Frisbee Seppuku

http://www.realultimatepower.net/ninja/seppuku.htm

Wait. Die. You have to be really super pissed. And makes sure your parents aren't around.

8.5.10

#7 Internet Thing

#7 Yelling Bird Twitter

Elegantly offensive and over-the-top http://twitter.com/yelling_bird

"LISTEN FOR THE LAST TIME I NEED *ALL* OF YOUR BONES FOR MY BONE ALTAR AND I DON'T *CARE* IF YOU HAVE TO MISS SCHOOL BECAUSE OF IT"

7.5.10

#8 Internet Thing

#8 Goat/Usher mashup

http://www.youtubedoubler.com/?video1=iTRS6FJkJFU&start1=3&video2=VgAXZHMi_ws&start2=0&authorName=Ann+O%27Nymous

Here at #8 is where we start to get into some real awesome shit. Like, this could have gone #1. Hell, just the goat by itself could've gone #1. Someone needs to bring this goat on american idol.

6.5.10

#9 Internet Thing

#9 Juggernaut Bitch



I love this because I loved the Xmen growing up (well, I guess I still do now, hah) and this seems like something I would make.

5.5.10

#10 Internet Thing

#10 Brian Peppers


http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/peppers.asp




Another tragedy of the internet. The glory of this is it's ok to laugh at him, you insensitive asshole, because he's a sexual predator.

4.5.10

Spam In Images

I was going through my spam folder and found a wonderful email from Deborau Bastu, who entitled his (her?) email HotBlackChickInBlowjobAction. It began:

"cocked hats of the usually capacious the oriole is a timid bird and is glad to rear up its family under the aegis"

Thanks for the email, Deborau. I thought I'd depict the email an image, so we can truly understand what he was trying to communicate.



SCRUMTULESCENT!