Drank #3

I apologise (yes, I'm in a British mood) for delaying the continuation of this series of "My Top 5 Worst of All Time Ever Drinks Ever." Let us recall #3, again in no particular order...

3. "Irrational Exuberance, Russia Style" Location: Somewhere in PA. Date: July 2002.
This story originates on a summer evening right before my friends and I were off to college. After eating at a local "Eat N Park" (aka Eat N Puke, Park N Eat) about 5 or so of us were chilling in the parking lot. One of us said, "You know, I have a bunch of alcohol left in my room and I can't leave it behind for my parents to find." You've got to remember that in high school booze is a highly valuable commodity that isn't easily obtained. It's hard to just throw stuff out. Given that we had only a few days left before school, we needed a drastic solution. Some Einstein suggested we drink during the day. Us other Einsteins thought this was a capital idea. We planned to meet at a friend's house around noon, get hammered, and somehow sober up and return back to our homes. Turns out all but 4 of us bitch out. Whatever, pass me the bottle.

A quick aside- It seems that high schoolers like their hard alcohol. I believe there are two reasons for this. One, it's easy to conceal. When you're underage stealth is key. Two, beer and whatnot is an acquired taste. I remember hating beer as a freshman in college. However, at these random parties all they had was natty light kegs- pretty much the ND staple. I remember just forcing it down and eventually I began to like it. Back to the story.

I think we had a bunch of booze at their place but all I remember having is Smirnoff vodka. Standard issue 80 proof. We sat down at their table and I began to throw back shots chased with Sprite like it was my job. I wasn't getting paid by the hour, I was getting paid by the ounce. And this rapid-fire, almost continuous inbibation is why I am classifying this experience as a "drink." After a while I start to feel really good. From a pure physical standpoint it was perhaps better than I've ever felt while drinking. I said "This is awesome. Why the fuck haven't we done this a million times before!" Well, young self, you will shortly find out.

Within 30 minutes I start to feel really shitty. I get these debilitating stomach cramps. They force me to sit on the couch and lean forward with my chest against my legs. This lessens the pain.

Let me give you an idea of how drunk I was and how much pain I was in. My one drunk friend, Pippet, for some crazy reason decided to take handfuls of ketchup and slap my back. I didn't even really care. All I cared about was keeping the cramps at bay and riding it out. So Pippet is just there sitting next to me and rubbing condiments on to my white shirt like a madwoman. All I could really muster was a faint "wtf, please stop" or two. Pippet just ignored me and refused to relent.

The fact that this all occurred in the middle of a weekday makes the whole scenario even more ridiculous. Through the grace of God Himself I recover from the cramps somewhat but am still feeling quite crappy. We eventually called our high school and left a voicemail which was the collective chanting of "we love lesbians!" This exemplifies the randomness of the day and the devastation of drink #3.