Comcastic

So I had a chat with Comcast regarding some technical issue. I could have made this much more ridiculous than it was, but here are some highlights.

user Justin_ has entered room
analyst Sandra has entered room [If her name is actually Sandra I'll shit.]


Sandra
Hello Justin_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Sandra. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Sandra
Hi Justin! Thank you for taking the time to chat with us today!


Sandra
How are you doing today?


Justin
Poorly. I can't get my comcast online account set up



Sandra
While waiting, please allow me to take this oppurtunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site, Fancast.com. It offers full television episodes, full-length feature films, trailers and video clips to both Comcast subscribers and non-subscribers.I hope you will enjoy this feature with us. [It's strange that this is a canned message yet has a spelling error ('oppurtunity').]


Justin
I'm sure it's as awesome and works as smoothly as all of your
other products <---sarcasm


Sandra
Thank you for waiting, I appreciate your patience in giving me some time to review the account.


Sandra
It appears on the account that the primary email is xxxxxx@comcast.net


Justin
can I change that to my actual email address? I never received any documentation of how to use or access that email. Not to mention that email address itself


Sandra
Due to the fusion of Comcast.com and Comcast.net, Comcast now requires customers to log-on to their online account using Comcast email address only if they have internet services with Comcast.


Justin
Ok, well that's the sort of red tape I've come to expect. You have not left me disappointed. Now, how do I access this email? I never set it up, so I have no clue what the password is.


Sandra
Let me reset the password for you now.


Justin
KEWL

Justin
Thanks, sweetheart [I've started to call people 'sweetheart' when I feel like being a dick. Or 'chief' if it's a dude]


Sandra
You're very welcome. I hope I was able to help you as much as I can.

As Seen on the Skreetz Pt II

Dunno if this will show up, but these two guys have the *exact same* shirt on.

Open Letter

Dear ingrate commenters from the previous post,

FUCK YOU. I SLAVE OVER A HOT FUCKIN KEYBOARD FOR 20 MINUTES A WEEK AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? NOT COOL BRO. IT'S NOT EASY TO CRACK DUMB JOKES AND COME UP WITH MORONIC SHIT FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL CONSUMPTION.

Sincerely,
J

Shit just got real

In my never-ending quest to bring the highest-quality content to my expansive and loyal followers, I have updated the site a bit. You will now see JAW-DROPPING new colors and a Twizzle feed off to the right. Enjoy it, you ingrates. Now all I need to do is put some actual effort into creating content...

As seen on the skreetz

Tic-Tac-Toe. Regardless of how it plays out on her jacket, this bitch loses.

Brick wall. Bad projector screen.

Enter TBD

So I've officially moved out of the Octagon and into [insert TBD name here]. The physical move itself hasn't been too bad, but the transformation of [TBD] into a livable space is another story. My complete lack of "stuff" combined with time and resource constraints, exhaustion, and my ever-constant cycle of procrastination has made the transition a bit harrowing. The evolution in stages:

Stage 1
Country analog: Afghanistan, specifically the mountains
State: It's cold because I can't figure out how to turn the heat on. There are boxes, a desk, a desk chair and a bare mattress.
Anecdotes:
-Someone yells outside who is either getting taken away by the Taliban or is mentally disturbed.
-My main source of light in the living room is a desk lamp next to a pile of flattened cardboard boxes. It looks like I'm about to interrogate a captured soldier or some shit.

Stage 2
Country analog: Sudan
State: Same as Stage 1 but now it's hot as balls b/c my heat seems to have only one speed. 11.
Anecdotes: I had to take my shirt off while unpacking. Calm down, ladies.

Stage 3
Country analog: Mexico
State: I figured out the heating system. I now have a computer fired up. Internet access is stolen and very shoddy. Also, I have a shower curtain up that's held up by twist ties. (I didn't buy a full-fledged shower curtain yet bc I'm leaving these details to a female)
Anecdotes:
-I cut a pizza with a swiss army knife
-I ate a jello snack with no utensils. I tried to eat some ice cream like this but failed miserably.
-I opened a guinness bottle with a screwdriver and a lighter.

Stage 4
Country analog: Slovakia
State: Internet and television are fully operational. I have plastic silverware. Still no phone or furniture.
Anecdotes:
-I sat hard on a 1.5" carpet staple. It felt like it sounds.
-The television is a projector projecting onto a brick wall. Brick wall isn't the greatest projector screen. I'll upload a picture below.

So, I still sit at stage 4. The goal is Stage 10000: AMUHHRICA, BITCHES WHOOOOO BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A EAT A DICK WORLD WOOOO FORD TRUCKS in a week or 2.

What's this? Real content? Holy shit!

I am moving to a new place next weekend and we all know the most important things to do when relocating-- changing your address, hiring movers, set up mail forwarding, and, most obviously, becoming familiar with local sexual predators.



So let's take a look courtesy of http://www.familywatchdog.us/.

Name: Richard Stevens

Conviction: CHILD PORNOGRAPHY/FILM/TAPE/PHOTO
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 182
Age: 56
Nickname: Bones
Initial Take: The thinking's man sexual predator. He appears to have a smug sense of contempt for you and your society's antediluvian erotic age restrictions. How dare you.
Action Plan: Despite my boyish good looks, I don't think this guy will come after me. He's a little heaver than me, but I probably have a reach advantage. He's pretty old, so assuming he doesn't have a weapon I should be ok. Given his weak-sauce conviction and collared shirt, I'm not worried about this dude.


Name: George Stockton
Conviction: SEXUAL EXPLOITATION/EXPOSE ORGANS
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 170
Age: 37
Nickname: Spud
Initial Take: I'm not sure if this guy's here to fix my computer or rape me. He's clearly in the smile-during-mugshot school of thought, which I've never truly understood. Perhaps they think if you smile, it has a higher chance of being mistaken for a glamor shot? I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he's gay.
Action Plan: My post-new years crowded gym locker room has reminded me of how much I hate naked guys. I hate naked guys about as much as I like naked girls. So, I'm pretty damn scared of this guy and his 'organs'. Keep them to yourself, son. I am straight up scared of this guy. If I see him, I will run.

I have a couple more which I'll try to publish tomorrow or early next week. Can't be too careful.

Beyonce Wednesday

If you liked it to such a degree that you'd be willing to commit monogamously for the rest of your natural life, hence forfeiting significant partner 'option value' as an opportunity cost, or at the very least, to subject yourself to risks of substantive litigation fees, remittance of half your future earnings along with the present value of future offspring-related costs up to 18 years, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

(PS - I'll try to make this a weekly thing bc it's so easy)

Beyonce Wednesday

I surmise that for this gelatin you are ill-prepared.

Amateur Hour

I need to vent for a moment. These new-year's-resolution-gym-going assholes really annoy the shit out of me. So I was at the gym yesterday and here's what I experienced:

-A 10 person deep line for treadmills. I've never seen more than 75% of them taken up at any time. I was almost forced to use a Nordic-Trak. Just kidding. I don't think those exist other than in your grandparents' basement.

-Somebody cut in on me between sets to do *one* set of ONE-ARMED PULLUPS. What is this? A fucking freak show? "Sssstep right up and see The Amazing Barry Milton and his incredible Feats Of Strength!" He couldn't even really do them. It was like watching someone try to pry their hand out of a suspended bear trap. Call me crazy, but you should be able to do at least 5 two-armed pull-ups before you start busting out the one-armed. Christ.

-There was a guy using kettlebells. Fucking *kettlebells*. Is he training for a strong man competition? Dude, Zdrunas Zvikas will totally beat your ass. Maybe you could actually be useful and move the obese person off the machine I want to use and place her in the rafters like an Atlas stone. My gym might look like this soon:


Bottom line is it is amateur month at the gym. The people being annoying and/or doing ridiculous exercises are clearly the most out of shape. Can't wait till all these people fade, which should be pretty soon.

Tuesday Top Twelve

Top 12 things on the to do list for tomorrow:

1. Attend 8am marketing meeting
2. Bring sexy back
3. Answer work emails
4. Remove all the toilet paper from bathrooms in floors with prime numbers
5. Finish LBO model
6. Make Roth IRA contribution
7. Contemplate the size of an electron
8. File expenses
9. Do 1,000 crunches under my desk without anyone noticing
10. Eat all confidential documents.
11. Smoke the really confidential documents.
12. Make sure to get Netflix in the mail

I'm an internet/attention whore

I figure I'd link my Twitter account here since it's basically a mini version of this blog -- i.e., generally streaming, always random, often ridiculous jokes/anecdotes and tasty nuggets o' wisdom published mostly for my own amusement and record-keeping. So, there will never be any "my coffee is yummy"-type updates from me. Especially since the coffee I drink usually isn't very good.

Texts from last night

I received a great 'text from last night', ummmm, last night.

friend: I maced myself and puked in a dasani bottle in the game. i did not have a great time

ahahaha. Further conversation:

me: how did you puke in a bottle with a small opening?
friend: i puked in my mouth, slowly spit it out into the bottle and then left the game

I guess that's what this will do to you.

Thesaurus

I was talking with someone about alternatives for the word 'toilet' for use in a business email. Here's what I came up with:

'sewage conduit'
'waste management facilitator'
'water closet seat'
'byproduct receptacle'
'ceramic restroom fixture'
'flushable water-bowl chair'
'metallically semi-partitioned thinking throne'
'aquatic bulk material jettison device'

Pitt ND

Sooo I hosted a group of people in my hometown of Pittsburgh for the Pitt - ND game. There's probably a ton to talk about which I may get to later (probably not!), but a few bullets:

-We had probably 25-30 people at the tailgate. We ran though a full keg, probably 5 cases, and at least 4 bottles of liquor.

-Somebody came up with a 'shot' called Plutonium -- apple pucker, rumple minze, pucker. Jesus.

-I almost started a 'fu-ckin yin-zers' chant at Heinz Field. Would've been a bad idea, hah.

$

UPDATE: DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I EVER SAY EVER

IMG00029-20091024-1209.jpg

We were jamming bottles into the ground pregame. We jammed one almost 100pct into the ground.

IMG00036-20091024-1828.jpg

IMG00035-20091024-1815.jpg

Game.

IMG00034-20091024-1544.jpg

Go irish.

Some dude behind me started talking shit, telling me to sit down. I asked him why he didn't appreciate my developed lats and traps. He had no response. It's almost pathetic how much I own the asshole ND fans.

IMG00032-20091024-1324.jpg

Awesome

"She's a first chair rusty trombonist"

"That's why I drink everclear. It makes me cool. "

IMG00027-20091024-1121.jpg

Riot juice

There was just a song on the radio that I think was about abortions.

BC Liveblog!

So today's a pretty big game for the irish, but I feel like people aren't as up for it as they should be (myself included).

Anyhow, the Drink of the Week is Riot Juice, as seen on Thursdays always sunny. It's perticularly applicable because if we lose there will be a riot. The indgredients, which are probably not 100pct accurate, are vodka, blue gatorade, and red bull. What pulls it all together is drinking it out of a clear water jug.

We just bought the ingredients and spent some time properly setting them up in styrofoam coolers. It's like we're transporting organs.

USC Liveblog, An Addendum

There was one particularly notable event that happened during the game that I wasn't able to write about at the time. So, I'll explain here:

When DFo and I got to our seats there was a guy in the row in front of us with this green goofy hat (don't know what the name of this type of hat is; it's like something an old man would wear) that said 'Chicago Irish' on it. This dude was probably in his mid to late 20's. DFo was being friendly and asked him if he was from Chicago and what high school he went to. They chatted for a little bit and that was that.

Fast-forward to the second quarter. Score is 3-7 USC. DFo and I were doing our normal football talk -- saying stuff like 'that was a good block', 'they're rolling coverage to Tate's side', 'interesting to see Walker in the game,' etc, etc. On one play, a USC defensive end jumps waaaay offsides but has enough time to stop and backtrack to his side of the field. DFo and I are upset and DFo says what we both were thinking in that it should be whistled dead and called as a penalty because the USC player was unabated to the quarterback. Our friend, the guy in the Chicago Irish hat, turns around and says there's not such thing and that a defensive player 'can run around in circles in the backfield as long as the ball is not snapped.' He then goes on further saying we've been talking way too much and talking out of our asses the whole game and how he 'has never heard two people who know so little about football talk so much about football'. Jesus. Christ.

Ok, where to start with all of this? Let's start with one point, just to get that out of the way. From the official 2009-2010 NCAA Rule Book, (PDF here) :

Before the snap, a Team B player crosses the neutral zone and, without making contact, continues his charge behind a Team A lineman and directly toward (read: unabated) the quarterback or kicker. RULING: A Team B player who is on Team A’s side of the neutral zone and is moving in a direct path toward the quarterback or kicker while he is behind an offensive lineman is considered to be interfering with Team A’s formation. Penalty—Team B foul, offside. Dead ball. Five yards from the succeeding spot.

So, first of all, this goofy-hatted fuck was wrong about the point in question. Further DFo, and I were not being obnoxious, loud, or making ridiculous statements. It's not like we were saying "oh, man, Weis should have called a 20 yard switch-route concept against that Cover 9 robber USC defense." The nerve of this guy was unbelievable, especially considering he is supposedly an ND fan, we were chatting and being friendly earlier, and it being the biggest game in 10 years.

DFo and I are just amazed at the audacity and dickishness of this dude. Some of my responses, other than assuring him that 'unabated to the QB' is a rule, were:
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a PhD in football? Thank God you here to educate the laymen."
"Are you a disguised USC fan? Why in the hell would you pick a random fight with someone on the same team?"

We then proceeded to make jokes about how I hope we get a home run, and other jokes like that. So the guy actually leaves at halftime. Maybe he was scared or something?? Not sure why he'd be scared of two dorky-looking white dudes, but whatever.

Another story of how AWESOME Notre Dame fans are. Ugh.

Also, depending on how I'm feeling tomorrow (have been sick this week), I may liveblog the BC game tomorrow.

Not sure how this game's gonna go. Shrug.

One. Time.

I told as a USC fan that I hope they contract dysentery and/or ecoli in the bathroom.

I told as a USC fan that I home they contract dysentery and/or ecoli in the bathroom.

On the next episode of 'what not to wear', maroon and gold.

Overheard: "by the transitive property, that means your girlfriend wants to fuck me"

Dfo just called an 11 year old an asshole.

What would happen if a presidential scandal occurred here. What would they call it? Tailgategate? Tailgate squared?

Are the performing abortions in these port-o-johns?

Some dude just said he married his woman because she is 'an extremely fast pisser'. Awesome. Also, I misspelled dysentery.
I've been in this line forever. This is that trail of tears.

This phalanx of bathroom lines is harder to traverse than the Oregon trail. And I'm pretty sure dysentary is even more of a risk in this situation.

USC Game Liveblog!

7:30am: what kind of patheric, depraved bastards buy boxed wine at 7am from Jewel? Me and D-fo, that's who.

Anyhow, today is probably the biggest ND game since I've been a fan (2002). So, I will be blogging the occasion. My phone has a camera now, so ill be able to upload photos in real time, if that ends up making sense.

Back to the boxed wine. We will be drinking it out of cans, an idea from Always Sunny. It allows concealment and violent hand gestures without spilling.

A Reasoned, Eloquent Dialogue on the Olympics Not Coming to Chicago, Taken From GChat

friend:

what's the local chicago reaction

to bam bam's failure

me:

3:00 PM

i think most people, at least in circles like mine, didn't want it

it was just so damn politically driven

im happy as balls

fuck these clown ass politicians here

3:01 PM fuck dailey

fuck obama

fuck em

keep these foreign ass clowns out of my shit

i idont need any more foreign dbags up in my face

i dont need any more contruction projects blasting me in the ass on a daily basis

3:02 PM for 2 weeks of clusterfucking

dont need 6 years of mild to moderate clusterfucking for 2 weeks of vicious clusterfucking

that equation doesnt make sense to me

3:04 PM i dont get how building a goddamn stadium or an aquapark or whatever makes economic sense. how does spending that money justify a month of increase in economic activity

3:05 PM i refuse to believe that some latvian polevaulter or whatever is gonna spend enough cash to pay for that

3:06 PM so it would be over and we're left with our proverbial dicks in our hands with a bunch of bullshit infrastructure. with no purpose. when shit that actually needs CAPEX is left still fucked
there were some germans on my train car early this week. i almost went ape shit

now, times that by 10000

for the olympics

man, THANK GOD

we didnt get that shit

STFU Marrieds Entry?

The comment is mine, by the way, and I haven't talked to this person since high school. Pretty much your standard facebook nonfriend. We'll see how long it takes to get deleted. If it doesn't, she may be denser than I imagine.

Also, from a gchat after I read the above:

Im telling you, my jealously just cannot be contained

on a scale from 1 to 10, I'm like a super fucking jealous

i mean, if it were just the baby-looking in december, I'd be okay. Maybe

But Stacy? AND amy?

Jesus H fucking christ

how can I live with myself

knowing that someone is experiencing such ecstasy

when I'm left with such a trite, dreary existence in comparison

and dont even get me started on the photographer

how did she get the BEST photographer in the world?

man, i thought he was nearly impossible to get!

BUT SHE GOT HIM!

OMG

OMG

CURSE THIS INEQUITABLE WORLD. FUUUUUCK!

I admit I'm a bit of a curmudgeon when it comes to facebook, but sometimes these status updates, random CAPITALIZED! outbursts, musings, etc., get so damn bad that I can barely take it, and I must retaliate with some snarky-ass comment. It's necessary for the universe to remain balanced.

Life Support

This blog has been on life support for probably well over a year now, but I'll continue to write, albeit disparately and sparingly, as a long painful crawl hooked up to respirators and various tubes is better than death. At least when we're talkin' 'bout blogs.

Anyhow, time for a...
Yes, that's a weekend update, if you're that incredibly dense. On Friday MackP, Beth, and Jamie came to Chicago from the Pittsburgh, Pistolvania. Shenanigans by day were as follows:

Friday
-Went to Hugo's Frog Bar for dinner. I explained to the uninitiated that the area we were in -- Rush and Division (or 'the Russian Division,' if you're P-Diddy) -- is notorious for older guys looking to pick up younger chicks, so watch your cornholes. I left that last part out.
-Mack and I had Irish coffee that was more alcoholic than an Irish Carbomb. It was was honestly 75% whiskey. I never thought I'd drink coffee like it was a shot.
-Afterwards we went to Elm Street Liquors to hang out. A roaming pack (perhaps gaggle?) of chubby chicks came in at about 11 and came. to. party. One of them just started grinding up on the wall like it was the dirtiest, nastiest, most ghetto-ass dance party in the world. She was dropping it as if it were very, very hot. Anyhow, this was very amusing and is my idea of entertainment. Great people-watching in that area in general.

Saturday
-Woke up at the very unsexy ass crack of Dawn's in order to go to an ND game.
-Drank about 5 of the last roughly 40 non-pussified Sparks on the planet Earff. I have a cache of the old formula and am rationing them carefully.
-ND curb-stomped Nevada.

Sunday
-Went to the Jazz Festival. The weather was great and it was fun, but really this thing is highly overrated. I like the smaller street festivals with cover bands and whatnot a lot more. Oh well.

Ugh, I just got really tired so I'm just going to quit and post the damn thing even though there's more to write about. Each post on this site is more half-assed than the last. Therefore, each new entry is the most half-assed I have ever done.

Your Daily Math Joke for July 18th, 2009

j(x+j)
Possession of j's with intent to distribute.

Bonus Deep Thought: I'd rather be worth my volume in gold than my weight in gold.

Bonus Deep Thought II: You can't hold a revolving door for a girl, so I think it's more chivalrous to enter a revolving door first, as it creates a spinning momentum and is easier for the 2nd person to go through.


Hmm, this blog may have reached a new nadir.

Plane

I find it strange that airline parlance for children traveling in the same seat as their parent is "lap children.". This just sounds odd to me, like it's some sort of sub-human or someone with a deformity. "Stacy had her baby. It's so sad though. She had a lap child."

Baseball is not intended for those with ADD.

S Dot had a good idea for a movie. It's a vampire flick starring Michael J Fox. Title -- Stake and Shake.

Liveblog: White Sox Road Trip

So a group of us are headed to Milwaukee to watch the White Sox, which, like most things in life, is just an excuse to drink and be ridiculous. Ill be posting random thoughts, anecdotes, and observations for the entertainment of, well, myself at least.

I'm amazed at how many coolers and how much ice we have. It's like we're transporting organs or something. However, we have something much more valuable and important -- Sparks.

Deep Thought

People who run on the streets really fast freak me out. It looks like they're running from something horrible and make me think maybe I should start running too.

Today at the office a bunch of us were talking after a meeting and a visitor asked where a certain door went. I made a joke and said "on the other side is Narnia." Nobody laughed. FML.

SC Bound

I'm at O'Hare airport and this place is america at its worst. I'm flying united and at the check-in kiosk they tried to sell me no less that 4 different things -- first class seats, united "economy plus" (30 bucks), expedited security line (40), and a few other things that were so retarded I repressed them from my memory. Look, I'm claustrophobic and somewhat loose with my money but there's no way 6 inches of extra leg room is worth 30 bones. I'll spend 5 dollars on modern pharmaceuticals and pass the fuck out.
So I have my golf clubs with me and I'm a bit paranoid about getting charged a ton for it. First checked bag is 15 bucks. If it's over 50 lbs it's 125 (no joke) and if it's "oversized" it's 175. Christ, these clubs might be both. I place my bag on the scale and ask if it's over 50lbs. They guys says "yes it is." Fuuuuuuck. Then he says he's kidding and "just wanted to see the look on my face." Thanks, airport dude, I'm pretty sure that's how people get shot.
After some other moderate to severe annoyances, I'm posted up with a 8 dollar beer in front of me that's really worth so much more.
So, I'm off soon. I may do some "live blogging" though I'm not sure how much will be fit for your christian ears.

Til then!

How not to write a resume

This is a section from a resume my firm received recently. It is crinkled for a reason.

Click the image for easier reading.

Solution to the financial crisis

We're in quite a bind with all sorts of banks making terrible bets and over-leveraging. The government has thrown a bunch of money at them to solve the problem and now they're looking for more money themselves. Government officials have been looking for other sources of tax revenue, such as carried interest, increase in capital gains tax, etc. I contend that there is a better and easier solution -- tax cartoon characters. Let's consider Scrooge McDuck.

Uncle Scroooge, a tax-evading fuck.

Scrooge is rich as shit and his ass needs to be taxed. What does the government stand to gain from this? Well, let's consider what may be his number one asset -- gold bullion. Let's start by calculating its value today. His 'Money Bin', according to Wikipedia, is 53,391 cubic meters (37x37x39). Assume it's roughly half full, so that's 25,000 cubic meters of gold.

A cubic centimeter of gold weighs 19.3 grams. 25k cubic meters = 25 billion cubic centimeters. So, he has about 482 million kilograms of gold. Gold is generally priced in troy ounces and one troy ounce equals 31.1 grams. This works out to 15.5 billion troy ounces. At today's price of $9oo/oz, that gold is worth just under $14 trillion dollars.

Back when I was watching Duck Tales in 1991, gold was at roughly $350/oz, implying McDuck has seen a gain of $8.5 trillion. Gold is considered a long term capital asset, which is taxed at 20%. So, on this income alone, Scrooge owes the US Govt $1.7 trillion dollars in back taxes. This is roughly 2/3rds of what the gov't brings in per year.

Crisis solved bitches.

Blog Resurrection Number 45,342

So I was going though my phone and came across a journal I was keeping on my Europe trip from last summer. I didn't post it earlier due to an issue with a serpent-like creature I was inexplicably associated with at the time. Anyhow, it's incomplete, but I hope ya'll enjoy regardless.


"So we're approaching evening of the first day in Germany (july 1) and it's been kind of a rough go. However, given certain circumstances it's almost been a miracle it hasn't been much much worse. On Sunday I was the sickest I've been in over 2 years. I contracted food poisoning from food at this street fest. Uuugh. I was completely down and out. I also totally screwed up my neck and back from lying in the fetal position for hours on end (this helped with the stomach cramps). Not good for having to sit in a plane for 8 hours at a time.

International flights are surely a matter of the haves and have-nots. First class seemed baller since they sat in pods or whatever, although it was hard for me to see since they didn't allow the great unwashed to look in that direction. Business Class seemed very comfortable. Economy, however, was pretty rough. The worst part was that the movies were terrible. Not only were the movies bad, but they gave business class better ones. Wtf? Does it really cost anything more to play them in all classes. I think American Airlines was just looking to crush the spirit of the peasants. Pisses me off. So we were stuck w options like "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 3: The Quest for More Groove." =/

We had a short layover at Heathrow. Getting to the connecting flight was like a weird Mario Kart level, requiring twisted paths and long distances. We were sure to hit the "turbo arrows", ie people movers whenever we could. We arrived in Munich (or Munchen in German or "Munchkin" as I liked to call it) at mid-afternoon. Allison was smart enough to write down detailed directions from the airport to the hostel so we found it somewhat easily. All the weird street names were kinda hard to navigate. It's hard to remember aufwendlesteinerblochenstraBe.

Germany is almost exactly what I expected.

That night we went to one of the main beer gardens. It was pretty amazing. It was this giant area with tons of long tables and tall trees. There were probably between 1 and 3 thousand people here. Seemed to be mostly locals which was pretty cool. Beer was served in 1 liter steins. We had one and then wanted to try something else. The station was self serve so allison picked up a smaller stein. Apple juice. We tried another smaller stein which looked like a darker beer. Coke. So instead of sit around with all these soft drinks like a bunch of clowns we peaced.

German "light beer" is a misnomer. It's still quite strong and has an intense alcohol taste to it. For me, it's pretty hit or miss. Some of it I loved and some I thought was pretty rough.

The next day we took a tour at Dachau, one of the concentration camps. It was pretty incredible to see something like that. It was weird though, because the emotional aspect never really sunk in for me. I thought I would have a very rough time. It might be because it's so horrific that it's tough to really comprehend.

At night we went to the main haufbrau haus. It was big and the beer was very excellent, but it was outrageously touristy. The people next to us had southern accents.

German girls. Not cute. Must like their weiner schnitzel a little too much.

July 3rd we traveled to Prague. The train was pretty nice, but took 6 hrs even though the two cities were less than 200 miles away. The main prague station is being repaired so we get dropped off in the surburbs. Weird. You can tell this country is much worse off than germany, which didn't seem to have much poverty anywhere. So we're in this train station and can't figure out how to get a ticket to downtown. The ticket person speaks no english, doesn't accept dollars or euros, and doesn't have time for your cracker-ass cracker american bullshit. So fuck. What do we do? Try to exchange for Crowns (czech currency) w a local? Steal some shit? Well, I noticed they don't really check your ticket on the way in so I suggest we just bust through and sneak on the train. Works! Thank God for the honor system.

We arrive at the train station from which our directions start. We have a crappy map. We go up the super scary steep fast escalator to street level. It's at an intersection of like 8 streets so it's effectively a parking lot. It's hard to find street names to get our bearing. It also didn't help that our directions told us to go through the Bubble Tower. How the fuck are we supposed to know what that is. Next time around I will be more prepared. Anyhow, it took us a good hour or so to find the hostile which was probably a 15min walk from the station. The hostile is shitty with a broken mirror and no towels. The showers in all these places are the size of phonebooths.

Prague looks more run down than Germany. Though it depends on where you're at. Women there are notoriously beautiful, but I'm not sure if I can attest to that. It was hard telling tourists from locals and a lot of them had that poor eastern european pornstar look. They're tall with long legs, which goes a long way.

We spent the first evening at a cafe and then at a local bar. Praise the local bar. Beer is much cheaper and is more of a cultural scene. We had a hard time finding these types of places. Half-liters of beer were less than two dollars.

I was familiar with Pilsner urquel, brewed in the Czech republic, before going there. I didn't particularly like it. However, out of the tap in the Czech Rep it was amazing. Best beer I've ever had hands down. Must be legal to put crack in things there.

Next day we visited the main Castle, or Schloss, the german word. We borrowed a term from MIA's brother in saying that we were Schloss hunting. Cool stuff, cool history, cool pictures, lots of walking. I dropped prolly 3-5 lbs during this trip which will serve as a good starting point for rededicating myself to working out. If I didn't eat so crappily on this trip I might be in great shape. Anyhow, bagged that Schloss, went to bed kinda early since we needed to catch a bus to cesky krumlov the next day.

The official website says a bus leaves for krumlov at 9am from station x. Allison's alarm doesn't work and we get up at like 815. It's a pretty far walk. I say "I can leave in 3 min. We need to leave very soon. " Allison says ok but then proceeds to take like a 5min shower and another 5 min to get packed. We're fighting although she didn't know I was pissed at the time.

We walk at blazing speeds to the stop. Don't make it on time and I think we can just catch the 11. The person at the ticket booth tells us that the next one is at 3 and at a different station across town. I didn't take a shower. I'm tired. I have a heavy backpack. The website lied. The station looks like it's in Iraq. I'm pissed. As we walk away I go in a ranting tirade about the Czech Republic and their "broke-ass easern european bullshit," calling all sorts of buildings and people things like "broke", "clown shoes", or "gay" while I contine to mumble or yell to myself. We make it to the main square. I tell MIA that Jan Has, a historical figure with a huge statue in the square, says "Fuck you.". Thankfully, I was joking at this point and got over my bad mood. I also declared that if I were a pickpocketer I would take your shit but not run. Would just stand there like "WHAT! What you goin' do?"

We spent the rest of the day before the train at some weird eiffel tower thing on a hill. We also watched an ADHD kid hump a car.

We dilly-dally to the new station and arive 20 min before the bus leaves. Only problem is that we are at the station sign and do not see any buses. We run around like chickens with our heads cut off looking for the buses. One person told us the wrong location which basically fucked us. We had 8 min til departure. I've given up hope and try to imagine how we'll find new lodging or what we'll do with another 2 nights in Prague. There are only so many Schlosses. Eventually someone told us the right location and we ran to the spot. Barely made it. That was a hugely important point in our trip. Off to the krumlov.

"I'm Krumlovin it" I say as we walk into the city. Good lord I'm witty. The city basically looks like something out of a video game. Pretty incredible.
"

So there you have it. I also wrote "Its hard to represent your shit when you're trying to represent some other shit" although I now don't remember what that means. Was probably wasted.

I might try to fill in the rest of the trip sometime although that may be tough since it's been 9 months. I think the above represents a little under half.

I intend in my usual half-assed fashion to keep updating. My next entry will be how to solve the financial crisis.

I decided that I will be liveblogging christmas. At least parts of it. This is mainly to keep myself sane. If you're bored with your family, tune in.

I came up with a new catch phrase. I will write a post on it later.

Constitution

The founding fathers of Facebook did not intend for it to be used as a way to display sonogram images.

Surrender.willingham.org

I used to respect Washington as a program. Then I saw they had a track around their field. Fuck em....

They're running 2 deep safties everytime so we need to run seam and dig routes.

Time for the Truth (Clausen) the Whole Truth (Floyd) and/or Nothing But The Truth (Tate)

Ty Willingham is a simpleton. Cover 2 we will run it. And it is good.

The Whole Truth plus 7. Go irish.

Batteries. Muertas.

I just chugged a 16 oz guiness in mike's face bc I promised it as he was being a dick earlier.

Washington girls. Not cute. And they probably don't shave.

Finally we secured a tailgate spot. It has been an epic journey. Someone willk eventually make a 3-part tv movie series about it. Dear lord.

Yoko says hello to everyone.

So I think we got punked earlier by the lot attendant who said we couldn't park there. We are going to solve this situ.

Clownshoes.clownspot.com/lame/ghey.html#query=wtf

Sooo we couldn't find the lot we were looking for so we're posted up in a parking garage tailgating. We are not allowed to. I'm telling all the passing cars to "stop snitching". Dave and I are now looking for an open lot.

Hippies like to express their opinions through bumper stickers. Half the cars here have them. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" deeeeeep

1153am: Saw a dude in a hand-painted car with a godzilla figurine and fish mailbox on top of his car. Was too slow w my camera to grab a picture. Epic fail.

1144am: the parking lot for tailgating doesn't open for another hour fifteen (lame). Suffering from SWS (sparks withdrawal syndrome).

Set if off

Ok, so the live blog now commences and will continue until my phones out of batteries. This could be sooner than hoped bc my phone is getting old and I brought a ghettocharger that only charges halfway. How that works or makes sense I don't know.

Anyhow, we used a luggage carrier to transport all the beer and energybooze out of the hotel room. Today will be a glorious day.

Skeddadle

Just touched down in Seattle for the Notre Dame football game tomorrow which I will be "live blogging." And we all know live blogging is just a euphamism for writing obsenities about Ty Willingham.

As I'm in Seattle under the Space Needle I'm thinking that I'm going to add "Space" to the beginning of things for emphasis/coolness. E.g., "oh snap son, you just got space raped!" Or "this chicken is space good."

This blog has reached either rock bottom or the very top

Below is the sort of email conversations I have. I'm basically 12 years old.


On Thu, Jun 19, 2008 at 3:20 PM, mackP wrote:

I be rhymin so hardcore that motha fuckas don't believe it...
When I say shit like 'I'll squeeze a fetus and eat it just like a cheeze-it'

> To: Mack P
> From: sasquatchhh
> Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2008 22:57:32 +0000
>
> My flows rhyme tight from the north side to mcknight
>

White

My mom asked me yesterday "how was the Conway concert?"

Name that chart

Back Like Cooked Crack

I would like to first give a shout out to my main man and new bff "MP3 e MP4" who gave a me a mad shout out, congratulating me for a very interesting and "likeable" blog. It feels good to be appreciated. And get text hugs. Let this very intelligent and perceptive individual be a model to you all.

"

MP3 e MP4 said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the MP3 e MP4, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://mp3-mp4-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug."

Excellent taste, good sir!

Anyhow, I did my quarterly pilgrimage to the Homeland this past weekend and drug along my brave and thankfully current girlfriend. Granularity to follow.

Winter Festivities

Using my e-mail archive and shoddy memory, I will hit the main points/thoughts over the past month or so.

I went home for Christmas for a week:

• On one of the first nights home Macaweak, Tempo, MackP, KDB, and I went bowling. The hilarity of the night really occurred when we went to Eat N Park afterwards. I got hungry waiting for my food so I started to eat the jelly packets on the table like I was homeless or something. All but the strawberry flaves weren't that great. After eventually getting my massive amounts of food I said I was afraid of suffering a "foodtality." I made this word up on the spot and it rolled off of my tongue without thought or hesitation like it was a common word or something. Anyhow, I hereby coin this word and will require several of them if you use it. Near the end of the meal Mack P just started playing rap songs on his PDA. The ride home involved some risque discussion with KDB and Macaweak. Twas hilarious.
  
• My family interactions on Christmas weren't the greatest. One key takeaway was that old people are really afraid of China. They see that all sorts of stuff is made in China and hear in the news that they have like a bazillion people and are growing quickly. This translates into them taking over the United States. I thought for a moment about explaining how emerging economies eventually slow in growth as they get bigger and it would take something drastic for them to takeover the US, but it wasn't worth my time. I don't think they were well versed in basic macroeconomic concepts.
  
• On the day after Christmas I attended my HS 5-year reunion. I met up with PDiddy and the Snake at PDiddy's new house in Cranberry. It was nice seeing the Snake again, but that's pretty much where it ended with regard to happy reunions with people I haven't seen in a while. So we drive down the venue, Sing-Sing at the Waterfront. As we're approaching the door I'm about to lose my shit. I want to just turn around and run. Anyhow, I suck it up and slowly ease in the groups of people. It wasn't as awkward as I thought, but overall I was vastly underwhelmed with most people. The conversations I had with some people were just terrible. I'm not an extremely talkative guy, but I was just forced to drive these conversations. They were completely one way. It was like talking to little kids or something. Zero personality development. I was also very unimpressed with most of their progress professionally/academically. At the end of the day there's a reason I haven't seen some of those people in 5 years. The assholes were still assholes, etc, etc. The best part was hanging out with people I normally hang out with.
  

D Fo's birthday was celebrated:

• D Fo, MIA, B, and I went to Sushi Samba. One of the more interesting dishes were these crabs the size of a silver dollar. They looked alive and tasted like a meat-flavored chip. The waitress said earlier in the night that she had a story regarding the food here and something being alive. I hope it didn't involve one of those crabs because that would be terrifying.
• We went to Martini Park and met up with some other friends. Dave noticed a former ND basketball player across the room. MIA, being the super-friendly person that she is, went up to him got aggressive and said something like "Hey! My friends are 3 cool guys that would really like to hang out. They're not gay or nothin and don't wanna do anything sexual, but they think you're really awesome! If you wanna get to know 'em, we'll be right over there!" Ok, she didn't really say that but it sounded a little like that, hah. Needless to say that he didn't come hang out with us.
• Afterwards we went to Soundbar (or something like that). I've never been to this place, but it looked like the Cube from the movie Cube , but instead of different deadly traps in every cube, there's a bar and different subgenres of house music in every cube-like room.

There is more to write about that I will tackle later.

w00t

I was going to write about the past weekend but realized that despite being very very fun, nothing terribly exciting happened. We went to Trinity for B's birthday and I spent the rest of the weekend recovering. I still am, in fact.

Four people told me that "w00t" was named word 0f the year today. I think this means people think I'm quite the nerd. Well, 1 4m n07, so stfu.

The demise of Blogation Station has been greatly exaggerated.

People have been said to die more often on their birthdays than any other day. Fortunately, the Station survives it's first bday despite a slight scare. Perhaps this blog prefers a slow, painful crawl into the abyss. Better to fade away than burn out, right? Hmm, I may have gotten that wrong. Regardless, details of my mundane existence and thoughtless musings will continue to bless the intarwebs. Glorious, I know. I'm probably not going to tell anyone that I've resumed posting, so only the stalkers and extremely bored of the Nation will find out in a reasonable amount of time.

I've decided to not fill in the gap of the recent to the last post because I'm lazy. I'll let those thoughts and occurrences fade into the murky, murky waters of memory that will undoubtedly be obscured even further through heavy drinking, computer screen radiation, and, eventually, senility. Anyhow, let's march on.

Anyhow, last thursday was the most recent iteration of our holiday party and the local museum. If you recall, last year I got pass-out-on-the-bathroom-floor-with-my-pants-down drunk. The newer, wiser JD did marginally better this time around. The party itself was fun but uneventful. B and I played around in the ghetto, outdated museum between awkward conversations with senior members of the firm. Anyhow, MIA, B, new analyst JJ, her bf, the X factor, and me went to Rocket afterwards.

Rocket was Rocket. The dj wasn't that good as he wasn't able to play any hip hop. Although he did play Total Eclipse of the Heart. Both B and I got hit on pretty hard that night. Earlier on some guy got in a convo with her and then jokingly said that they should "make out." I was moderately disturbed and subtlety made it clear I was with her. After realizing I was her boyfriend he said "your gilrfiend's hot" and I muttered and awkward "thanks..." Later in the night I was off standing in a corner talking with the X Factor. I see out of the corner of my eye some girl point at me from across the room with and signalling for me to dance with her. I just pretended I didn't see, looked away, and hoped that would be the end of that. Of course she comes over and starts to dance with me. I do some intentionally awrkard dabce moves (normally they're unintentionally awkward). Thankfully B was around and saved me. Usually I'm good at acting weird and cold enough to avoid that sort of thing, but at the pheromone-infused mating party that is Rocket, it can be difficult for one to avoid, even when as goofy as myself.
Friday's happenings to be posed later.

100th POST W000000000000T

Huzzah. This is the 100th post on this blog, just before its 1st birthday which is a week away. I would like to thank the Academy and all of my loyal reader(s) who made this possible.

Anyhow, I need to update on a bunch of stuff, including my trip to NYC. First, I will recount a few of the events from my trip to ND on Saturday...

MIA, D Fo, Brian, and I went down for the MSU game. We met up with P Knob and Grabbins. I got fairly drunk and belligerent. We started talking noise to some MSU fans on our way to the stadium. One lanky, strange-looking kid, rebutted by saying his team is going to win and we should meet up after the game so he could prove that he was right. I came back saying that we should go to i-hop and get some pancakes. It would be a fun outing. He had no response.

Notre Dame fans are waaaaay too nice to opposing fans. This dynamic really hurts ND's home field advantage. I proposed that all we need to do is stab one fan of the opposing team. That one small act would go a long way of creating a hostile atmosphere. I wanted to take a MSU fan out in to the woods, tie him to a tree, and stab him in the leg. On a similar note, during my drunken rampage directed toward MSU fans I claimed that we were gonna start "sacrificing people to Jesus." I'm normally not this rowdy. I'm not sure what got into me. Oh, yeah, I know -- SPARKS.

Notre Dame fans were pathetic during the game. People were sitting on their hands. I've decided Notre Dame is not a good football school. A good football school has fans that cheer loudly for their team no matter what. In the 3rd quarter when we were down 3 and obviously still in the game we held an MSU play to only a yard. I swear to God MIA and I were the only ones clapping in our section. I was nauseated. The fans are just. plain. lame. Part of it is that half the people are really really old. I will be a huge ND fan and represent for eternity, but Notre Dame, despite the history and whatever, is just not a good football school. We might win a NC in the next few years and 100 years from now might have 20 more NCs and an insane winning percentage, but until these fucking lameass fans get off their hands and start giving a shit about ND, ND wont be in the top 15 "football schools" in my mind. It hurts me to say it and it infuriates me how piss-poor the fans are. The students, to their credit, were very good.

Go Irish.

Catch-up, yet again

I've been really poor lately regarding updating this piece and I apologize to my 2 readers out there, whom I so affectionately refer to as the Blogation Station Nation.

I have a hard time remembering what exactly I missed (hence why I write this damn thing) but I remember a few points:

• My parents came to visit. Events include:
• They met B. It was exactly like Meet the Parents. Word-for-word. Event-for-event.
• We went out with D Fo's (extended) fam and MIA to a Greek restaurant. It was pretty intense with a lot of food and a couple "old world" people, if you know what I mean.
• I played beer pong with my Dad. He wasn't very good.

• D Fo and I went to Milwaukee to meet with S Dot
• We met with some of S Dot's pseudofriends. They. Were. Wastes. (For the record, S Dot realizes this.) They were the type of girls who are blonde, semi-tan, plain to borderline attractive, wearing tube-tops, and think that the previous qualities make them highly desirable despite their utterly vapid personalities. We walked around to a few bars in Trillwaukee while I made a futile effort to make casual conversation with these biddies. I gave up in short order. The night was fun and memorable regardless. The one main highlight is that I carried 7 solo cups of beer to everyone out on this deck-like thing. It was a glorious display of drunken dexterity and balance.
  
• There are no cabs in Milwaukee. None. There are also no people in Milwaukee. There is all this infrastructure, but no cars or people. I felt like I was in Stephen King's Langoliers.
  
• Milwaukee is far more diverse than Chicago. Perhaps "integrated" is a better word. Sometimes I think the Chi was carved out of the Brown v the Board of Education ruling.
• We went to a thang called Summerfest which is this huge concert thing which is not unlike Barnum and Bailey's Three Ringed Circus, except there are 12 rings and bands are playing in all of them. We didn't get all that involved in the music, but we instead focused on the activities which we do best. And that is a.) drink beer and b.) make fun of people. There was more than enough proletariat fodder to provide for an amusing night.

• I met B's Mom. It was exactly like Meet the Parents II.

I still have to write about my NYC trip and maybe about this past weekend. I'll leave that to another day.

Free Money

Warning: Possible football and gambling content to follow. Reader be advised.

During football season I declare "Free Money" games. A Free Money game is a football game where I declare a certain bet a 100% lock. You may laugh, but last season (the inaugural season of Free Money Declarations) I was 7/7. The chances of that being pure luck are (0.5)^7 = 0.78%. I will admit some of it was luck as there were a couple comebacks to cover. The key is to pick your spots and pick them early in the season when teams are mispriced over limited data.

Anyhow, Saturday is Free Money Saturday. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish versus the Penn State Felines of an Esoteric Sort game is free money. Take Notre Dame and give the points -- 17.5 to be exact -- and enjoy doubling your scratch. I know I will.

I won't get into details about why I think, nay, know this is free money but I will offer a snippet of an AIM conversation I'm having right now:

WeTalllDid: at the very absolute least we will cover
WeTalllDid: we aint bustas

For the record, I'm not an uber-homer when I lay down bets. I'm not proud of it, but I actually bet against ND back in 2003 against NC State because it was painfully obvious we were overrated. I'm not proud of that wager and I wouldn't do it again. It's just that I wasn't as huge of an ND fan as I am today and I needed the money really bad so it was hard to pass up.

PS the money line is a ridiculous 7:1

We aint bustas.

This post is brought to you by Crystal Pepsi

I'm watching a college football game on ESPN right now and the halftime show is called the "Olive Garden Halftime Show." That is pretty fucking lame. What does a casual, family-friendly, classic Italian dining experience have to do with football? Also, on the World Series of Poker they have a KFC Snacker cam. The next logical step is the Summer's Eve Douche first down line. Watch for it.

Dude is the new Chief

I've realized that the word "dude" is the new "chief" in certain contexts. If you don't know what I'm talking about, people use such names to be backhandedly condescending. It drives me nuts. My fucking *boss* used "dude" on me in such a way twice. He's a waste anyhow, so I don't expect anything else from him.

Anyhow, please don't use Chief, Dude, Bud, Buddy, etc. unless you're truly trying to be an asshole, Gaylord.

JQuotes

One of my more memorable quotes from high school was "High school is like the movie Groundhog Day, but with consequences." My new quote for my current job is "My job is like Office Space, but not funny."

Cab Fun

Sorry for not updating ever. I have a lot to catch up on. Here's a blurb from one of my nights copied and pasted from an email.

"Soo I come back from the bar at like 11 or something. I take a cab. Bill is 10. I try to give him 20 and he says he doesn't have change. I tell him I can use my cc. He says it isn't working. I explain to him that it's his responsibility to have change and have his cc thing working and have change. He starts to get pissed bc I'm calling him out. He then says we should go to a coffee shop. I say no. He starts to drive there. I can a.) Just get out of the car and pay 20 b.) Go to the coffee shop and pay him. C) get out and don't pay d.) Call the cops. I go with b, but I'm livid as hell. I wasn't in the mood for his bs. He continues to run the meter. I'm even more pissed. We get to dunkin donuts on wellington. He says he'll get the change. I say hell no. I go in there and ask the cashier for change. He says he's not allowed to do that. I tell him my situation. I'm just a fucking mess right now. I say "fine, give me something cheap, a fuckin donut hole" That's verbatim. He just give me 2 10s cuz he realized I didn't want to be fucked with. I get the change, go back outside, litterally throw 10 dollars at him and say "here's your fuckin money. You know, you're a real piece of shit. I'm calling your fucking company." That's close to verbatim. He yells some shit back and I just walk away. I kind of changed directions after I walked a bit to avoid him if he decided to swing back around. He did swing back around but he either didn't see me or changed his mind. I was pretty scared at that point.
But ugh, that whole ep was ridiculous. I rarely get like that but I was pissed to begin with and he was being fucking ridiculous. I'm calling his company today. I remembered his cab #. I couldn't fall asleep til 1. =/"

Vegas Addendum

I have a lot to write about but I thought I'd add a missed Vegas tidbit I originally left out. One chick we were talking to at the Casino Royale stated "the best way to shut a girl up is to stick your dick in her mouth." You know, that doesn't sound exactly right, but I can't really think of any counterarguments...

Weekend and Such

This entry is quite poorly written and in mostly bullet-point format even though there are only a few bullets. I wrote this as quickly as possible to save time. Quantity over quality, bitches.

Thursday we went out to Trinity. This was Tempo's first time there and he brought his gee-eff Jenn. I don't remember much (my memory sucks, that's why I write this stuff down) but I do remember discussing the currency this one town created for itself. I will discuss this in a later post. I promise. I walked B home and got back really late. I was hurting the next day.

I determined that The Family needed a good toast saying. I got pissed off that neither I nor anyone else could come up with anything awesome. Therefore I declare that the toast will be "pimps up, hoes down" until someone comes up with anything better. May be hard to beat.

Mack P came in on Friday. I took the Blue Line after work to meet him at the airport. This was a terrible idea since the thing took forever, was crowded, and jerky. UGH. That night we went to Lake Shore Theater to see this one comic D Fo is familiar with. The crew was The Family plus Mack P and Jenn. The theme of the night was "the unbookables" because they were extremely offensive. They lived up to this name when the main comic looked at B and said that she's a whore and she need to whip her titties out. I was in more of a mood to laugh than to defend her honor. Meh.

The comics were hilarious. Save one guy who just ran old anti-bush/religion jokes that are so played out and rarely funny in the first place.

Only 30 or so people were there and they were giving away free drinks throughout the night. How does this place stay open? The guy who owns it (and stutters a lot) must be rich/stupid and really enjoys running a comedy club. Fine with me.

After they all went though their bits they must've just felt like not ending the show. They proceeded to call some guy on a cell phone and just chat it up with him. It devolved even further when people began hitting a bowl on stage. Ridiculous. We couldn't take it anymore and left.

I made a joke before we went into the theater that went over like a lead balloon. D Fo was getting a blue moon at the bar. First note that this place is in Boystown, one of the most prolific gay towns in the country. Also, it was gay pride weekend. So D Fo was getting his beer and the bar tender asked if he wanted an orange slice. Dave says, "yeah, throw some fruit in there." I say, "Might as well. It's gay pride weekend." I don't exactly "think" per se before I talk.

Saturday Mack P and I went to the office -- I needed to do some work. It sucked because it was cloudy and Mack couldn't see the nice view our office has. Anyhow we leave and go on a tour of Goose Island brewery. Only problem was that they do tours on Sunday, not Saturday. I felt really dumb. I set the thing up and I'm sure they said it was Saturday on the phone. I don't normally mess that stuff up. We rolled into this bar near there and had a few drinks instead. Although it could've been a hospital cuz there was some mad nursing going on.

We rolled back to our place to play some beer pong. This was glorious since I haven't played in a while. S Dot was in town. Tempo was on fire in the beginning of the pong-playing. I sucked until the last game where I sent it into OT and then just rolled in the extra period. We drank like a million beers. (Note to self to insert picture of the million beers.)

Jenn is quite short. I wouldn't be surprised if she were under 5'. I saw B standing next to her and I almost *died* laughing. The difference in height was hilarious. Jenn had sandals on and B had heels, so the 5'9" +3" -5' = 1 foot difference was hilarious. It's cool though -- I like tall girls.

We eventually rolled to Trader Todds. MIA felt it necessary to buy us "painkillers" which is some girly, coconutty drink. The thing was brutal. Anyhow, I was pretty damn drunk at this point. I think Dave, MIA, and Mack all sang "Sweet Caroline" at this place. Not sure though. Correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong.

All of a sudden about 10 shitty things happened to me at once. The perfect shitstorm, if you will. I was starting to get tired, sick, really drunk, and a few other things. I pulled an MIA by just peacing out on everyone at the bar and not telling them I was leaving. I was in an awful mood. I came home and just face-planted on my bed.

Sunday Mack P, B, and I went to 4 Shadows to get lunch. While we were there we saw some guy get out of his car at an intersection and start humping his car. Gay pride wknd, got to love it. That prompted a discussion among us about if that sort of behavior and "pride" helps the cause of the homosexual population as a whole. (I claim it doesn't but I don't want to get into that right now.) Mack had a pretty hilarious quote. His point was that "Christians don't show pride on Christmas by lighting shit on fire or humping Frosty the Snowman in the middle of an intersection." Interesting point.

I saw Mack off to the airport then B and I took the L to meet up with D Fo and S Dot at the sox game. We show up late but still see a lot of baseball and have a great time. It was a Sox-Cubs game so people were extra-belligerent. People who trivialize sports by saying "it's just a game" don't really get sports. People care and care a lot about this shit to the point where they are willing to risk and inflict psychological and physical harm. The fact that people care so much means sports do matter. Anyone from Pittsburgh or who went to ND knows this.

After the game B and I went out to dinner on Belmont. We sat outside. It was nice. Very enjoyable. I had a great night.

Jenn had a pretty awesome quote. We were watching My Sweet Sixteen on MTV. The bitches on there are really fucking annoying. Jenn, out of nowhere, says "If I had a dick I would punch them with it." Couldn't have said it better myself. Err, I wouldn't imply that I don't have a dick though...

Notes from prior days that I never wrote about:

-We went to a street festival on Belmont and Sheffield. This band was playing that I've seen a few times. Getting drink required great patience and agility due to the crowd and carrying 8 at a time. That night we went to the Lake Shore Theatre, which is a comedy club, to see Aziz Ansari of The Human Giant. This is my favorite new show. He was quite hilarious. Very few people showed up for the show. Again, how does that place stay open? Oh, also we ate at some Thai place and observed some drugged out dude do laps up and down the street.

-Peeps from my office and I went out to Citizen bar and Hugo's frog bar with my boss. My boss is an ass but I also like him. He's somewhat of a cartoon character. He's very insecure and exhibits the usual signs. *Has* to be dressed nicely, feigned ego, etc. I mean, he's got a 250 bottle wine refrigerator... However, it's possible I'm being unfair. In my first year in the "real world" I realize that perception is reality in this business. So. Ridiculously. True. Maybe he just knows how to play it.

-A couple weekends ago we had an office outing at Midtown. MIA bought a drink called the Loop. She couldn't even get through 10% of it. So since people call me "the Medic" (see my downing of "the Shark" from a previous entry) I determined I must heal (kill?) this wounded soldier. The thing was basically 100% Bombay Sapphire. Tempo would've loved it. I however, though it was pretty brutal even though I downed it rather quickly. That shit went straight to my head and I swear I wasn't right until about 24 hours later.

Las Vegas: Poker, Death, and Boobs (Update #2)

D Fo, Tempo, M Fo (our friend and D Fo's bro), and I all left for Las Vegas on Wednesday. The flight was gloriously uneventful and I slept most of the way. Slots are the first things to greet you out of the airplane. Awesome. I could tell immediately how dry it was compared to Chicago. Vegas is the farthest west I’ve been so the hot and dry weather was new but was exactly as I expected it to be.

We dropped our stuff off at the hotel and headed straight to the casinos. The Vegas strip was smaller than I expected but made up for it in it’s compactness. The casinos seemed to all mesh together and it’s difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins.

First stop is Caesar’s. We go straight to the poker room. This will be our bread and butter for the trip. The first night was the most fun for me. I was making money, and most importantly, I liked most of the people at our table. I took this latter point for granted at the time. We were seated there were a few lawyers and a couple relatively cool people on vacation. Later in the trip I realize this situation is an exception; Las Vegas has it's fair share of freaks. Well, I guess anywhere has a lot of freaks. The difference is you are forced to interact with them at the poker table.

The main problem with Caesar's was the cocktail waitresses were *busted*. There were some that had to be pushing 50, although there were some diamonds in the rough. I use "diamonds" loosely however. I don't really care though. Just bring me my drink. But at the Wynn, however, they are ridiculous.

The first night was probably the most fun for me. I was up pretty decently and was pretty drunk. The next morning I woke up on my own at like 830. I was wide awake. Tempo asks if I want to go work out and I say "YEAH!" immediately. M Fo comes out of nowhere and says "YEAH!" as well. We were all wide awake. We thought there was something in the water. I never work out in the morning. I wish I could because you can lift more during the day.

That day we went to the Mirage, I believe. I did not like this place at all. You definitely get into more of the "fanny pack" crowd here versus the other casinos. The poker room was total clownshoes because it was clustered in with the rest of the hotel and the people there were especially lame. I hate it when people get a few good cards and lucky hands and they automatically think they're badasses. You're not a badass. This is low limit. Plus you don't understand the game. Over the short term it's all about the cards.

That night at the tables there was this kid from Texas who was getting a bunch of shit from this huge older woman seated next to him because he hunts. She’s giving him a really hard time about killing innocent little animals or whatever and the grizzly-looking older guy next to me says under his breath “I hunt people.” For a second I think he’s joking so I laugh, but the laugh transitions into a muted nervous giggle as I start to realize this guy is scary-looking enough to be serious. I assumed he was in Vietnam, but when I asked him he said he served in the FBI. He was in drug enforcement, apparently. I though that’s what the DEA was for, but what do I know. I believe this guy. He goes on to say how he was undercover and doing this huge drug deal. He had half a mildo in his car and someone rolled up on him and shot him twice in the chest to steal his flow. Our guy, however, was able to draw his gun and shot him right in the eye. Good. Lord. I just came to have fun and play some cards...

The next day we were playing at the MGM Grand. The guy next to me lost a hand and said it was easier to lose that given he just got an unexpected 150K. I ask how he got it (after I ask I immediately regret it bc I see what's coming) and he says very casually and somewhat jovially "my aunt just committed suicide." I just came to have fun and play some cards...

We went to BOA on Friday night. I had a Kobe steak. It was tasty.

The last night of cards was brutal. I was up money but I started to crash physically. The vodka Sobes (they didn't have red bull so they used sobe energy drink) started to wear on my stomach and weren't keeping me awake. Plus there were some total lameasses at our table. The most glaring was this 32 year old woman who was acting like she was 12. She kept giving me and Tempo shit for no good reason. The pointless banter was getting really annoying.

We leave the table and go to meet up with the rest of the crowd at Casino Royale. Tempo and I are crashing fast. There's this big dude named Chris who is with D Fo at the craps table. I knew he was from the south since he was giving me shit for my pink shirt. "Orson" from college football blog edsbs.com and his wife were with M Fo across the room. It was cool meeting him bc I read that site on a regular basis. If you like football at all it's worth reading the site. Good stuff.

Tempo and I leave early. Finding a cab is rough but we eventually get home. I feel *really* close to death. I had awful nightmares.

Vegas was *awesome* but getting home was great. When I got to my place I felt like I had been gone for-ev-er.

Other Notes:

D Fo said that the exchange rate in LV is 75c on the dollar. I would say this is a gross understatement. Vegas made me feel *poor*. I was playing on the kiddie (read: low-limit) tables and that was pushing my tolerance for monetary swings and risk. D Fo lost $100 in like 15 minutes next to me at the Mirage (I call him out on this only because he was up a bajillion dollars on the trip as a whole. Winning a multitable poker tournament helps.) Plus the minimum per hand at the black jack tables at these casinos was $15, so money goes flying.

There's something about Vegas that makes girls bust out as much boob and leg as humanly possible. Girls who normally dress like this:


start dressing like this:

I think most girls have a wardrobe and then a separate wardrobe, which is maybe in a separate drawer or something, labeled "vegas" that has a completely different set of clothes. I say this because basically everyone was dressing ridiculously.

We didn’t do the obligatory strip club trip mainly because we are not shady enough or in the mood to blow even more phat cash. Probably the latter rather than the former but whatever. That was ok wit me since I’m interested in only one girl. =).

…she's a stripper named Candi with an “i” and she wasn’t in town that weekend. Haha, ;-).

Update:

Tempo reminded me of a sequence of events that I had originally forgot to mention. One night I got pretty damn wasted and got in one of my semi-belligerent yet playful moods. This one guy across from me got some Scotch and I said something like "that's my boy" because I was likin the Whiskey play. However he just nursed the shit out of it for the next couple hours and it was slightly bothering me. He lost a hand and I said "You would've won that hand if you would drink your drink." I didn't realize this was somewhat "dick" when I said it but I understood once I guaged J Tempo's reaction.

Another time our dealer summoned a cocktail waitress really quitely and I called her out and said "they might hear you if you speak louder."

The third event was when Josh won a hand I was in. I don't rember exactly what he had or what went down but I do remember saying "fuck you" to him after he won the hand. Again, like all the other instances this was playful, but the dealer effectively "shushed" me and told me not to swear. I was utterly dumbfounded by this and said sarcastically "I'm sorry. I forgot I was in a casino!" She did not appreciate this.

Also, Tempo called D Fo winning the poker tournament that night. Good call. Although not surprising really.

To give you a good idea of how intense our poker playing was (and how unlucky M Fo was), M Fo woke up screaming one night due to a bad dream about a poker hand. Awesome.

Drink Spectrum

I've postulated that one can create a spectrum of drinks with most manly on one end and most girly on the other. I will attempt to draft this.

Note that this is a working list. I would appreciate comments as to what to move/add.

Manly
Straight Bourbon and Scotch
Other types of whisk(e)y
Manly Martinis et al (eg Vodka and Gin Martini, Manhattan)
Malt Liquor (eg Colt 45, Extreme Rock Head)
Manly Mixed Drinks (eg Vodka Tonic)
Most Beers
Girly Beers (eg beers that you put fruit in)
Mohitos
Girly Mixed Drinks (eg Vanilla Stoli and Diet)
Girly Martinis
Smirnoff Ice, etc.
Cosmopolitans
The Pink Panty
Girly