Words/Phrases I Hate

Word/Phrase: "Tickled Pink"
Why I hate it: Not only are you a fucking fairy if you use this, but it doesn't even make sense. What the *fuck* does this even mean?
Appropriate death strike: Scissor kick to the back of the skull.

Word/Phrase: "Making Whoopee"
Why I hate it: This shit makes me cringe. What, are you on the Goddamn Newlywed show? STFU
Appropriate death strike: Lexington Steele Danza Slap.

Word/Phrase: "Value Added"
Why I hate it: I could compile a list of just business terms that piss me off. This is one of the mose cliche imaginable. If you're doing work that doesn't add any value then there is something dreadfully wrong.
Appropriate death strike: Head first into a super large Salad Shooter.

Word/Phrase: "Going out"
Why I hate it: Ok, this shit is waaay overused and isn't very logical. It's painfully non-descriptive. I associate it wil getting all prissy and going to a club or something. Weak.
Appropriate death strike: Carnivorous scarab beetle in the brain.

To be continued...

Depressing

There was a word on the Ihop menu that I didn't understand. That's a 50 intelligence points minus.

World of Workcraft

So I got out of the house today to perform my daily raid in the city of Chi-nassus and hopped on the Train of Stress and Elevation which exacted its usual fury upon me, causing a neg 50 hp. My DOTs had no effect and I was forced to exit. My day of Excel farming with my corporate Guild was rougher than a two person raid on Kel'thuzad. Unfortunately my boss pwn'd me and casted a level 5 Deadline spell at the end of the day and I wasn't wearing my usual Shield of Apathy or even my Skirting gauntles. I'm sure tomorrow he'll give me a 50 DKP minus. There goes my hope of getting a Legendary item at the end of the year. I'll probably have to deal with a Rare Quality one. =( Since it was really late I didn't feel like dealing with the Train again, I decided to warp home even though it costs 15 Manna.



Disclaimer: I don't play "WoW," so there are discrepancies I'm sure.

Rush

I've decided I want to join the Illuminati. I feel like I fit the demographic... The problem is, how do I join? Is there an online application I can fill out? Are there interview slots available?
Please contact me. = /

Bring in the Baron

Your favorite football team is down 4 with 20 seconds left with your opponent lining up to kick a field goal to go up by 7. Thankfully, your team is rumored to have a secret weapon. He is a 6'7", 275 lb, 34 year-old from Dusseldorf, Germany. He can't speak English and doesn't normally get in the game, but at this moment there is no player more important in the world.

Your team's only chance is to block, and subsequently house (that is, return for a TD) the impending kick. Thankfully, this is the specialty of the aptly named Otto von Blockenhaus, Baron of blocking kicks and returning them for touchdowns. He draws his power from his lederhosen (which he wears outside his uniform) and the Weizenbock he chugs before, and sometimes during, each play.

The actual existence of the Baron is disputed. There have been claims of Baron sightings at high school football games in rural Mongolia and the South. Unfortunately, these people have yet to discover video-recording technology so the existence of this creature remains uncertain. His purported modus operandi is to knife through the D-line like a ghost, catch the football immediately after it has been kicked, bitch-slap the kicker like town whore Fraulein Schuder, and rumble his way to the end zone.

The moral of the story is that there is hope. Next time your team is in a dire situation have faith and yell in your best German accent, "BRING IN ZEE BLOCKENHAUS!" He's your only chance.

Goin' Stag

So apparently a 70 year-old woman shot her husband because he gave her a warm beer. Link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,234618,00.html.
At first glance this seems ridiculous. However, that probably wasn't the first time he pulled such a stunt. Stag beer just isn't good warm. So fuck that. If my spouse has been handing me warm beers for the last 60-odd years I'm not gonna take that shit any more. "Hey, bitch. You give me a warm Stag, I'll give you a hot silver bullet. Right to the domepiece. Blaaaahdow!"

Deep Thoutghts

Quick thought.

Chicago is windy as shit. I remember hearing that Chicago was dubbed the Windy City for political reasons. What a ridiculous coincidence. That's like calling the North Pole "Snow City" because Santa has a cocaine problem.

Credo

I was listening to music today and stumbled across a couple sentences that truly summarize and embody who I am. It is my credo, if you will:

"I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches. I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits."

Dranx #1 and #2

I found a bottle of Kahlua buried in my things today. It made me think of this particularly awful drink I once had. My top 5 worst drinks of all time, in no particular order (I may order them later):

1. "The Kahlua Sour" - Date: circa 2003 Location: College
Pop quiz, hotshot. It's a Friday night, you're staying in, and all you have is a bottle of Kahlua. What do you do? What. do. you. do? Well, if you're like me you fire up the ole intarweb and google "kahlua mixed drinks." The only one that I could find that included the materials readily available to me was a "kahlua sour." Maybe I should've realized this at the time, but Kahlua, sugar, and lemon juice is a less-than-stellar combination. It's odd, when you combine these substances it forms a syrup-like fluid. Needless to say it was awful. It was like drinking motor oil mixed with lemonade mixed with Aunt Jemima. Sadly, I did not come even close to finishing this drink.

2. "World's Largest Tequila Shot" - Date: circa 2001 Location: PittsburghAs a preface, the reasoning behind this drink is irrational and inexplicable for the most part. In fact, I am going to spin this story as much as I can to make my actions seem somewhat reasonable. But I assure you, they weren't.
So anyhow, this drink takes place in high school and I was not a very experienced drinker. The place was a house party with a bunch of my high school friends. Back then, I wasn't much of a beer drinker (that taste I had to acquire) so I was looking around for some other kind of alcohol to quench my thirst. Some of the girls were making margaritas and I decided to roll over there with my trusty empty Solo cup in hand. I, being a self-respecting Man, couldn't drink the feminine to semi-feminine Margarita. I tell one of the ladies, "dump some of that tequila in my cup." To this day I still remember her response: "Just straight tequila? You're crazy." Yeah, crazy like an (alcoholic) fox. The cup was filled by no less than 3 inches of this tequila. Think for a minute how much tequila that is. And this was no Petron Silver. This was "we're highschoolers with no money, don't know anything about liquor, and we're gonna mix it to hell anyhow" tequila. What did I use as a chaser? Air, testosterone, and willpower, my friend. With a drink this serious, you can't just roll around and mingle as you would with any other drink. You have to concentrate and focus. Therefore, I sat down in the living room with the lights on and just slugged it while keeping my game face on.The aftermath was not pretty. For some reason I wasn't terribly drunk, but it gave me awful stomach cramps. And I mean awful. I was on a recliner in a fetal position for at least an hour. That's the price you pay for being hardcore (and a dumbass).

Numbers 3-5 will come at a later date. Stay tuned, Nation.

Space Wastin'

So I decided to reward myself for not being sick over the last 5 or so months by taking a fake sick day. (Karma, please refrain from being a bitch. Word on the street is that you can be one.) I just needed a day to relax and get some ish done. Also, it gave me a chance to gain perspective on my life and lay out a plan.

Step 1: Get the money
Step 2: Get the power
Step 3: Buy the complete series of "Salute Your Shorts" on DVD

In all seriousness, I just needed a day from the shitshow that has been my life. With moving in, trips to home, trips to football games, etc. I haven't been able to regroup. However, I think today did me a lot of good. Hopefully this will translate into more updates.

deleted

Well, I was going to write a post entitled "Rosa Parks: Quit Your Bitchin'", but I'm not sure if it was gonna come across the right way.

But anyways I have so posts in the queue that I need to finish up. So have no fear.

Updizzle

Time to turn and face the strange.

I've determined I'm a materially different person than I was, say, 1 year ago. One of the main changes is that I'm much more obnoxious. I'm not completely sure how/why this happened. But the fuck that I give has decreased substantially. This has both positive and negative effects. The positive effect is that girls seem to respond relatively well to obnoxiousness for some reason. It's might be the whole "all the hot chicks get with assholes" theory. The negative is epitomized in the following example:
So when we were waking over to this bar (mind you that I'm completely sober at this point) and we saw this group of like 15 guys dressed up as the "superfans". I say something like "Hey assholes, Halloween was two weeks ago." Well, this was funny and all, but I didn't want to have the story where one night I got my ass kicked by a roaming gaggle of Superfans. That's just uncool.

Update!

Yeah, I know I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy at work and moving in.

Disturbing alert:

My one friend just likened hooking up with a passed-out chick like the game "Operation." Just like with the game, you want to get the job done without providing too much stimulation.

High-larious.

Fackts

• Hitler was not nice.
• Winning a billion dollars is a somewhat positive experience.
• A circle has less than 5 corners.
• The center of the Sun is toasty to semi-toasty.
• Mayonnaise is of little intelligence.
• Jamba Juice is good.

Word to the wise.

Time to give the Nation a pearl of investment wisdom. For those of you who don't know, a future contract is a contract for delivery of a good at a future point in time. These are traded and are pretty much always attached to a certain commodity. The prices of these contracts are governed by the dynamics of supply and demand. The following is a chart showing my prediction for pumpkin future prices.

Therefore, sell that shit and get fat paid.

Meatsnack

My good friend and roommate Dave pulled this old-school "joke" on some of our roommates the other night. It was originally done by my friend Sean about 2 years ago. I was the original victim. I'm not sure if it will translate well to this medium or if this audience will even get it. Anyhow, here's how our convo went back in oh-fo'.

Sean: "Do you like steak?"
Me: "Of course."
S: "If my penis were a steak would you eat it?"
M: "No..."
S: "It's not attached to my body or anything"
M: "Still no, obviously."
S: "It tastes like a steak, looks like a steak, smells like a steak and everything. But it's still my dick."
M: "Are we venturing into Aristotelian philosophy here? Are its steak-like properties its accidents and its substance is your penis?"
S: "What if you didn't know it was my dick?"
M: "So I don't know at the time of consumption about the true nature of said steak, but am making the decision now?"

This sort of back-and-forth goes on for a very long time and concludes as follows.

S: "Ok, so the steak has all the physical properties of a steak and is not my dick... but yet it is."
M: "Fine. If the steak has every single property of a steak I would eat the Goddamn steak."
S: "OH MY GOD YOU JUST SAID YOU'D EAT MY COCK!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Hey guys, he just said he'd eat my dick!!"

Sean goes on for the next few days telling all of our friends about my homosexual tendencies. It was ridiculous and pretty hilarious.

Ughh.

I'm really disappointed because I wrote a pretty good post and the stupid thing deleted it. I'll try to rewrite it this weekend.

Fecalshow

So my trip to NY wasn't the greatest. Both my flights there and back got delayed and I arrived at my destinations past midnight.

So what do you do when stuck at an airport?
Drink excessively. See picture.

What do you do when you're on a business trip and have a corporate card?
Expense that shit. (Now you see why I don't disclose what company for which I work. Yeah, I just rewrote that sentence to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition. Eat it.)

I was quite tipsy on both my planes. On the way back I fell asleep on the plane as soon as I took my seat. When I woke up they guy next to me had moved to another empty sleep. I must've freaked him out in my drunkedness. I vaguely remember pulling out the "barf bag" in front of me for some reason. I think that's what caused him to leave.

Longer than anticipated.

I apologize for the random, no-direction posts as of late. It's a function of laziness and my drinking habit. It's hard to hold on to a coherent thought for longer than 3 sentences with a few dranks coursing through your system. Anyhow, a few points.

Josh P. suggested a couple new beer names: Crew's Brew and Marztown Ale. I like them both.

There have been times where I kind of regretted not getting into more of a quantitative finance role. I.e., programming trading programs and stuff like that. However, I discovered several reasons why this wouldn't be ideal for me:

• You pretty much have to have a Masters/PhD to get one of the good jobs.
• Companies are beginning to outsource that type of job like crazy. They outsource my current job somewhat. However, my job is only temporary and they can't outsource everything. I feel bad for the future wannabe analysts because I suspect in 5 years these companies will be hiring less than half the analysts they do now.
• There's not much upward mobility. Best case scenario is you become head trader or something like that. But that would be the absolute ideal situation. There aren't many other options that are sweet jobs.
• Foreigners. The industry is absolutely dominated by foreigners. Hell, I have a hard time communicating with my cab driver about where I want to go.
• Far less money in the big picture. Let's face it, I care a lot about money. So do you.
• I wouldn't be great at it. A job like the one I have now is a much better fit with my skill set. I'm just not terribly talented at math and programming. I like it, and I'm a lot better than most people. But I can't hold a candle to these Visual Basic programming mathletes from Asia. Plus I just don't have the computer science background.

Ergo, this field isn't great and I no longer have second thoughts about my career choice.

So I made a life-changing decision today and decided I'm going to grow out my hair and keep it a little longer than usual. It's still going to be pretty clean since I work at a bank. I think the whole long hair idea is a good one partly because it drastically mitigates my sometimes obnoxious ear-to-head angle. For every self-deprecating comment I must also include a self-fellating comment as well. Well, not really. Anyhow, the majority of hair dressers I've gone to have commented on the sweetness of my hair. To quote my hairdresser today my hair "is awesome." I'm not joking. Seriously, I don't buy it. My hair blows and at best is ordinary. Perhaps the true power of my hair is not being utilized. Hmmmm.

Yeah, so cheapass umbrellas are worthless in Chicago. It was windy as shit and one of the spokes bent. And then a few other bent. And then the thing went completely inverted. Suffice it to say I was pissed. I administered the coup de grace by snapping the shaft completely in half. I threw it out in a trash can with at least three other broken umbrellas. Good Lord.

Jagshemash

So the hotel I'm staying at on Tuesday night, the SOHO Grand, you get a complimentary goldfish. I'm gonna set that motherfucker free. It's name is going to be Bitey and it will swim to glorious freedom through the Hudson and out into the ocean where it will reunite with its long-lost father. This is in no way a rip-off of "Finding Nemo" because this is real fucking life, son. Plus, I've never even seen that movie before. So eat it. I come up with my own ideas.