So I've had a new phone for a few weeks and it has 'predictive text input' or whatever, so you have to add new words that arent in its dictionary. Words I've added in 3 weeks of usage:
100pct 26k 5-10 6-4 A-woww Aaaargh Ahhahahahha Awww BITCH Boca Booo Congrats DJ's Def Duffy Duffyland Edsbs Erin Fraulein Gl HIV Hahah Macku Meritas Nah Omfg Plurk Prolly Ummm Whatz Yessss Youz Yyyyep ass azz bf bittersweet bombard boooring burb chumbawumba chyna could've crap damn dawg decir dell dion djs dont familia fo fucking gaga galph gtg hah haha halsted het hipsters horray hulu idaho/utah il iss jorts lil logogates macarena mal mayan namo northbrook nous ood pisses rotfl rst seinfeld ses sho should've stillers super-awesome tailgate taio thurr thx to-be ttyl tues unfo uuuuugh vm wk wmu would've wtf
So I've analyzed and thought hard about this list and what it says about me. After days of self-reflection, my conclusion is this. I... am an asshole. "Thurr"? "Chumbawumba"? "rotfl"? "azz"? "unfo"? "dawg"? Jesus H Christ I am a fucking douche.
You will have to trust me that the license plate below reads "FISTED". It might be the most disappointing moment in my life not capturing this properly. Fuck you blackberry and your non-still-motion-capturing asses.
Also, strange that this plate is on a chevy blazer or whatever the fuck that is. Would have imagined it on a F150 or something. Also, this guy is likely not intending to do much nefarious in the piece. Bc forget about people not noticing your plate. 'Yeah, officer, I remember the dude who shot at us. His plate said FISTED'
**edit: one of the pictures I put on here earlier turned into porn (I guess a function of the site preventing people from directly linking pictures) so I apologize if I blew up someone's spot at work or ruined someone's virgin eyes. It's fixed now. Luckily it wasn't goatse-style or anything, HA**
I will start off by saying I wish I liked soccer. I would love to have more things that I am really interested in or captivated by. The more the better, right? So, to the same effect, I don't begrudge people that like soccer. Hell, if you enjoy staring at paint dry, go for it. I'll even paint a wall for you. (Hey, I love watching GOLF.)
Having that said, I feel a desire to articulate the reasoning behind my dislike of soccer. I think this is driven by ESPN's boardroom decision to push the World Cup ridiculously hard on the population. I feel like ESPN is telling me to like it and I want to tell ESPN to fuck off. I will never like soccer, and here are the reasons why:
1. Its rules severely dampen a human's god-given athletic ability.
Why would I want to watch a great athlete perform athletic functions under severely prohibitive constraints? A person's most dexterous part of their body is their hands. Disallowing use of that is like telling a pornstar to fuck with his/her pants on. A lot of sports accentuate and exacerbate athletic ability. For example, a golfer hitting a ball 300 yards, which he could not do on his own. That, to me, is more entertaining because it is an exhibit of maximized, rather than mitigated and squelched, skill and athleticism. To illustrate my point further, what if we constrained athletes even more? How about a new game where you can't use your legs or your arms? They could roll around on the ground and hit a ball around. This game would fucking suck to watch, and for the same reason soccer sucks.
2. VUVUZUELA or whatever that stupid-ass horn is called. What kind of fucked game endorses and encourages a constant annoying-ass buzz that causes hearing-loss and annoys the shit out of everyone that watches it? Soccer.
3. Diving.
I don't even know where to start here, but the point is obvious. Just watch this:
Granted there is flopping in other sports, but nothing even close to what it is in soccer. I like sports where the athlete's have some real pride in toughness. Hell, some hockey player recently lost 7 teeth in a game and went right back out there. I do not like any game where acting like a pussy is a desirable quality that can lead to victory. Seeing these guys roll around on the ground for like 5 minutes and then being back in the game 30 seconds later is just ridiculous. There should be a rule for every second you're on the ground you have to stay out of the game for a minute. Rolling around like a bitch for 30 seconds? You're out for a half hour. 4. Low Scoring
Proponents of low scoring will probably say that it just makes the goals more exciting. However, there is definitely diminishing returns after a point, and soccer is definitely in the realm of being way too low. Other than just being boring, low scoring exacerbates any small error and accentuates the effect of luck on a game. You're the better team by a mile but there was one lucky bounce that caused a single goal? Too bad, you lose 1-0.
5. Ties
Again, obvious, but Jesus this is ridiculous. What other popular sport ends in ties so often? Baseball? Never Football? Probably less than 1% Hockey? Never, shootouts now Basketball? Never Golf? Never
I can't even think of one that comes remotely close. Tying is called kissing your sister for a reason. I don't like incest-heavy sports.
Why can't they come up with a set of rules that still keeps game concepts intact but eases scoring a bit in overtime? Perhaps take a couple people off the field on both sides? This is not rocket science. 6. Mullets and Faux-Hawks
Jesus Christ this guy has both!
HOW IS A MULLET EVER A GOOD IDEA WHAT THE FUCK.
7. Racism
A large number of soccer fans are horribly outwardly racist it's ridiculous. Granted, that's because it's highly european, but the point stands.
8. Riots
I'm all for riots, but soccer fans take this shit way over the top. Like, people die. That is fucked up. There is definitely a threshold where it's not cool anymore. Soccer fans, calm the fuck down you clowns.
MANY PEOPLE WHO LIKE OXYGEN LIKE SEX!!!!! Facebook adding value since 2004.
Also, people who think computer programs/robots are going to take over the world need to take a hard look at this. Or, this was actually the program being intentionally funny oh my god we're all gonna die!
Aaaaaand finally, my favorite internet thing of all time. Raptor. Jesus.
I love my high-contrast humor, so what is better than a combination of one of the most loving and revered figures in human history and a ruthless killing machine? The answer to that question is 'nothing' in case you were confused.
------------------------------------------------------ I play in a cornhole league at a bar with some friends and none of these clowns can make it next week (May 19th), so I need to find someone to fill in. This lucky person can bring a friend too if desired.
Requirements: -21 to 30 years old -At least 1 year cornhole experience -Knowledge of basic cornhole strategy/rules, including scoring, use of guards (especially against certain opponent shot trajectory types), psychological tactics, etc. -Skill level to where you can score on average at least 5 points (gross rather than net) a turn -Ability to perform in adverse playing conditions, including but not limited to: low ceilings, hanging televisions, annoying music, leering people, bathroom attendants, poor lighting, and waitstaff walking randomly in between boards -You must call the act of sinking 4 bags in a turn a 'Jumanji' because this is the proper term
Please contact and include an essay about why you should be my partner. It must be at least 150 words in length -- this is not Twitter. Not required, but please also provide a picture of yourself holding something corn-related with a thumbs-up, just so I can confirm what you look like, which may also help me believe that you're not some sort of freak.
Here at #8 is where we start to get into some real awesome shit. Like, this could have gone #1. Hell, just the goat by itself could've gone #1. Someone needs to bring this goat on american idol.
I was going through my spam folder and found a wonderful email from Deborau Bastu, who entitled his (her?) email HotBlackChickInBlowjobAction. It began:
"cocked hats of the usually capacious the oriole is a timid bird and is glad to rear up its family under the aegis"
Thanks for the email, Deborau. I thought I'd depict the email an image, so we can truly understand what he was trying to communicate.
Another video with great replay value. She got hit *SQUARE* and didn't go down. No glass jaw on this old broad. Assailant obviously headed off to the gym to work on her right a little bit more.
This is another old-school one which has stood the test of time, first appearing in 97. My guess is that this is fake, but either way it's pretty great. Both are over the top in their cliches, the female writer more so, if you ask me.
This is one of the first videos I remember being emailed around back in the 90s. What's great about it is that it's so disectable, the craziness of the timing, and how you can see the kid running at the beginning.
This is one of the great martyrs of our generation. He died (read: endures a lifetime of humiliation and pain) for the benefit of an entire people (ie, you, you inconsiderate fuck, laughing your ass off). Well, I guess this analogy is off since he probably didn't do it on purpose. I feel really bad for this kid (because I'm compassionate, unlike your evil-ass ass).
#22 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/ This is the only website on the list, and it's kind of boring to include it, but I just couldn't leave it off. If you follow college football at all, you should read this. The author and I have similar senses of humor, but he does a much better job at being funny IF YOU CAN EVEN BELIEVE THAT.
A website that describes a defensive tackle returning a fumble for a TD looking "like hippo who'd found a particularly tasty hunk of rivergrass and was sprinting to shore to keep the others away from it" is A-okay in my book.
Also, it's sometimes a mastery of being eloquently offensive and crass, as seen in this post, which also perfectly captures how I feel after a Notre Dame loss. "Call me a national park."
If you need further coaxing to read, he often posts gems like this:
So I am bored as shit at work today and decided to write down my Top 25 favorite things from the internet, since I am a seasoned internet connoisseur -- a dot-commelier, if you will. (DURRR INTERNET AND WINE COMBO JOKE DURRR) The criteria I used to come up with this list:
1. Magnitude of hilarity/amazement/what-have-you induced. 2. Ability to stand the test of time. There are plenty of things that pop up on a daily or weekly basis that are amazing, but to be enjoyable after years is a completely different test. 3. 'Relative' obscurity. I put relative in quotes because anything good generally gets distributed. Also, this is just one part of the evaluation, so there will be very popular items on the list. However, if my mom has seen it before, it hurts its score.
'Internet Things' can be videos, people, pictures, concepts, or whatever. I put this list together in like 30 min so I'm sure there's a lot that I forgot about that should be on here, but I think it's a good list.
Enough with the buildup for such a silly list. Below is 25. I have it set up where one will automatically be published a day for the next 25 days. One last note - AMERICANS LOVE COUNTDOWN LISTS WOOOO!
#25- The Tron Guy I secretly envy guys like this. People who are so passionate about a goofy hobby seem to be really happy when doing it, whether you think it's idiotic or not. I'm a pragmatist, so I say if you're into it, go for itHAHA JUST KIDDING WHAT A FAG.
Just random notes from Mack's wedding weekend, for posterity:
-While out on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh at 230am, a random person comes out of nowhere says "Do you guys want to hear a story about something?" PDiddy immediately replies "NO" to which the guy responds with "yeah... well... FUCK YOU GUYZ FUCK YOU" as he walks away
-We took a vote at 2am to decide whether to continue to go out or head in, which consisted of covering our eyes and putting up one finger for no and two for yes. This is an extremely hare-brained voting method, obviously, but it seemed logical at the time. The yeahs had it 3-1.
-A party member ended up going back to the wrong hotel. I would laugh but I've done that before.
-I met someone at the bar who knew of my company. I'm sure my drunkass in an ill-fitting tuxedo represented my firm well.
-PDiddy felt like we weren't drinking fast enough at the hotel, so decided to chug my and MW's manhattans. This would prove to be his downfall.
-Upset by the "green" (read: cost-cutting) initiatives of the hotel, we decided to leave every light and the tv on. This was true while sleeping, although not completely by design.
-The running joke between PDiddy and me the whole weekend was that some of the speeches were so ridiculously sappy it was like being stuck in a pine forest. This naturally led to syrup jokes, Aunt Jemima on the mic, being hungry for waffles, etc. Anything to keep sane through that.
-As the lovely couple was heading to their room, I believe I said "tear that ass apart." I hope the bride didn't hear me, ha. I am quite the gentleman.
So I had a chat with Comcast regarding some technical issue. I could have made this much more ridiculous than it was, but here are some highlights.
user Justin_ has entered room analyst Sandra has entered room [If her name is actually Sandra I'll shit.]
Sandra Hello Justin_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Sandra. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Sandra Hi Justin! Thank you for taking the time to chat with us today!
Sandra How are you doing today?
Justin Poorly. I can't get my comcast online account set up
Sandra While waiting, please allow me to take this oppurtunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site, Fancast.com. It offers full television episodes, full-length feature films, trailers and video clips to both Comcast subscribers and non-subscribers.I hope you will enjoy this feature with us. [It's strange that this is a canned message yet has a spelling error ('oppurtunity').]
Justin I'm sure it's as awesome and works as smoothly as all of your other products <---sarcasm
Sandra Thank you for waiting, I appreciate your patience in giving me some time to review the account.
Sandra It appears on the account that the primary email is xxxxxx@comcast.net
Justin can I change that to my actual email address? I never received any documentation of how to use or access that email. Not to mention that email address itself
Sandra Due to the fusion of Comcast.com and Comcast.net, Comcast now requires customers to log-on to their online account using Comcast email address only if they have internet services with Comcast.
Justin Ok, well that's the sort of red tape I've come to expect. You have not left me disappointed. Now, how do I access this email? I never set it up, so I have no clue what the password is.
Sandra Let me reset the password for you now.
Justin KEWL
Justin Thanks, sweetheart [I've started to call people 'sweetheart' when I feel like being a dick. Or 'chief' if it's a dude]
Sandra You're very welcome. I hope I was able to help you as much as I can.
FUCK YOU. I SLAVE OVER A HOT FUCKIN KEYBOARD FOR 20 MINUTES A WEEK AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? NOT COOL BRO. IT'S NOT EASY TO CRACK DUMB JOKES AND COME UP WITH MORONIC SHIT FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL CONSUMPTION.
In my never-ending quest to bring the highest-quality content to my expansive and loyal followers, I have updated the site a bit. You will now see JAW-DROPPING new colors and a Twizzle feed off to the right. Enjoy it, you ingrates. Now all I need to do is put some actual effort into creating content...
So I've officially moved out of the Octagon and into [insert TBD name here]. The physical move itself hasn't been too bad, but the transformation of [TBD] into a livable space is another story. My complete lack of "stuff" combined with time and resource constraints, exhaustion, and my ever-constant cycle of procrastination has made the transition a bit harrowing. The evolution in stages:
Stage 1 Country analog: Afghanistan, specifically the mountains State: It's cold because I can't figure out how to turn the heat on. There are boxes, a desk, a desk chair and a bare mattress. Anecdotes: -Someone yells outside who is either getting taken away by the Taliban or is mentally disturbed. -My main source of light in the living room is a desk lamp next to a pile of flattened cardboard boxes. It looks like I'm about to interrogate a captured soldier or some shit.
Stage 2 Country analog: Sudan State: Same as Stage 1 but now it's hot as balls b/c my heat seems to have only one speed. 11. Anecdotes: I had to take my shirt off while unpacking. Calm down, ladies.
Stage 3 Country analog: Mexico State: I figured out the heating system. I now have a computer fired up. Internet access is stolen and very shoddy. Also, I have a shower curtain up that's held up by twist ties. (I didn't buy a full-fledged shower curtain yet bc I'm leaving these details to a female) Anecdotes: -I cut a pizza with a swiss army knife -I ate a jello snack with no utensils. I tried to eat some ice cream like this but failed miserably. -I opened a guinness bottle with a screwdriver and a lighter.
Stage 4 Country analog: Slovakia State: Internet and television are fully operational. I have plastic silverware. Still no phone or furniture. Anecdotes: -I sat hard on a 1.5" carpet staple. It felt like it sounds. -The television is a projector projecting onto a brick wall. Brick wall isn't the greatest projector screen. I'll upload a picture below.
So, I still sit at stage 4. The goal is Stage 10000: AMUHHRICA, BITCHES WHOOOOO BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A EAT A DICK WORLD WOOOO FORD TRUCKS in a week or 2.
I am moving to a new place next weekend and we all know the most important things to do when relocating-- changing your address, hiring movers, set up mail forwarding, and, most obviously, becoming familiar with local sexual predators.
So let's take a look courtesy of http://www.familywatchdog.us/.
Name: Richard Stevens
Conviction: CHILD PORNOGRAPHY/FILM/TAPE/PHOTO Height: 5'10" Weight: 182 Age: 56 Nickname: Bones Initial Take: The thinking's man sexual predator. He appears to have a smug sense of contempt for you and your society's antediluvian erotic age restrictions. How dare you. Action Plan: Despite my boyish good looks, I don't think this guy will come after me. He's a little heaver than me, but I probably have a reach advantage. He's pretty old, so assuming he doesn't have a weapon I should be ok. Given his weak-sauce conviction and collared shirt, I'm not worried about this dude.
Name: George Stockton Conviction: SEXUAL EXPLOITATION/EXPOSE ORGANS Height: 6'0" Weight: 170 Age: 37 Nickname: Spud Initial Take: I'm not sure if this guy's here to fix my computer or rape me. He's clearly in the smile-during-mugshot school of thought, which I've never truly understood. Perhaps they think if you smile, it has a higher chance of being mistaken for a glamor shot? I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he's gay. Action Plan: My post-new years crowded gym locker room has reminded me of how much I hate naked guys. I hate naked guys about as much as I like naked girls. So, I'm pretty damn scared of this guy and his 'organs'. Keep them to yourself, son. I am straight up scared of this guy. If I see him, I will run.
I have a couple more which I'll try to publish tomorrow or early next week. Can't be too careful.
If you liked it to such a degree that you'd be willing to commit monogamously for the rest of your natural life, hence forfeiting significant partner 'option value' as an opportunity cost, or at the very least, to subject yourself to risks of substantive litigation fees, remittance of half your future earnings along with the present value of future offspring-related costs up to 18 years, then you shoulda put a ring on it.
(PS - I'll try to make this a weekly thing bc it's so easy)
I need to vent for a moment. These new-year's-resolution-gym-going assholes really annoy the shit out of me. So I was at the gym yesterday and here's what I experienced:
-A 10 person deep line for treadmills. I've never seen more than 75% of them taken up at any time. I was almost forced to use a Nordic-Trak. Just kidding. I don't think those exist other than in your grandparents' basement.
-Somebody cut in on me between sets to do *one* set of ONE-ARMED PULLUPS. What is this? A fucking freak show? "Sssstep right up and see The Amazing Barry Milton and his incredible Feats Of Strength!" He couldn't even really do them. It was like watching someone try to pry their hand out of a suspended bear trap. Call me crazy, but you should be able to do at least 5 two-armed pull-ups before you start busting out the one-armed. Christ.
-There was a guy using kettlebells. Fucking *kettlebells*. Is he training for a strong man competition? Dude, Zdrunas Zvikas will totally beat your ass. Maybe you could actually be useful and move the obese person off the machine I want to use and place her in the rafters like an Atlas stone. My gym might look like this soon:
Bottom line is it is amateur month at the gym. The people being annoying and/or doing ridiculous exercises are clearly the most out of shape. Can't wait till all these people fade, which should be pretty soon.
