#9 Internet Thing

#9 Juggernaut Bitch



I love this because I loved the Xmen growing up (well, I guess I still do now, hah) and this seems like something I would make.

#10 Internet Thing

#10 Brian Peppers


http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/peppers.asp




Another tragedy of the internet. The glory of this is it's ok to laugh at him, you insensitive asshole, because he's a sexual predator.

Spam In Images

I was going through my spam folder and found a wonderful email from Deborau Bastu, who entitled his (her?) email HotBlackChickInBlowjobAction. It began:

"cocked hats of the usually capacious the oriole is a timid bird and is glad to rear up its family under the aegis"

Thanks for the email, Deborau. I thought I'd depict the email an image, so we can truly understand what he was trying to communicate.



SCRUMTULESCENT!

#11 Internet Thing

#11 Old woman punch



Another video with great replay value. She got hit *SQUARE* and didn't go down. No glass jaw on this old broad. Assailant obviously headed off to the gym to work on her right a little bit more.

#12 Internet Thing

Hot chicks

#13 Internet Thing

#13 Tunak



This is so damn cheaply made. It also reinforces countless stereotypes. His crazy "rising Y" dance kills me.

#14 Internet Thing

#14 Laughing Triquarter Hat Guy


http://www.hetemeel.com/hahashow.php?headline=You&text=are%20poor!!!!

I just love this guy and the fact that you can put in your own text.

#15 Internet Thing

#15 Tandem Story

http://www.relationshipcontract.net/x1ChamomileTea.html

This is another old-school one which has stood the test of time, first appearing in 97. My guess is that this is fake, but either way it's pretty great. Both are over the top in their cliches, the female writer more so, if you ask me.

#16 Internet Thing

#16 Badger^100

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/

Second generation hamster dance, basically. But I actually liked this one.

#17 Internet Thing

#17 Photoshop Chimeras



GIMME THIS LITTLE GUY NOW. Does he want bread or a chicken? Give him a chicken sandwich then.


84% less scary LOL.


HAY!

#18 Internet Thing

#18 Little Superstar



Swim dance KILLS IT.

#19 Internet Thing

#19 Kid Gets Nailed By Basketball Video




This is one of the first videos I remember being emailed around back in the 90s. What's great about it is that it's so disectable, the craziness of the timing, and how you can see the kid running at the beginning.

#20 Internet Thing

#20 Crazy Airplane Photoshop



I love this picture, mainly because I really want this to be real. This would be fast as balls.

#21 Internet Thing

#21. The Star Wars Kid



This is one of the great martyrs of our generation. He died (read: endures a lifetime of humiliation and pain) for the benefit of an entire people (ie, you, you inconsiderate fuck, laughing your ass off). Well, I guess this analogy is off since he probably didn't do it on purpose. I feel really bad for this kid (because I'm compassionate, unlike your evil-ass ass).

#22 Internet Thing

#22 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/ This is the only website on the list, and it's kind of boring to include it, but I just couldn't leave it off. If you follow college football at all, you should read this. The author and I have similar senses of humor, but he does a much better job at being funny IF YOU CAN EVEN BELIEVE THAT.

A website that describes a defensive tackle returning a fumble for a TD looking "like hippo who'd found a particularly tasty hunk of rivergrass and was sprinting to shore to keep the others away from it" is A-okay in my book.

Also, it's sometimes a mastery of being eloquently offensive and crass, as seen in this post, which also perfectly captures how I feel after a Notre Dame loss. "Call me a national park."

If you need further coaxing to read, he often posts gems like this:

#23 Internet Thing

#23 Insanity Wolf




Not much commentary to be had here. I have no clue what this thing is, but it's funny.

#24 of Top 25 favorite internet things ever of all time ever from the internet

#24. LOLCATS

This has pretty much been beaten to death multiple times over, but there are some good ones. Namely...

Top 25 favorite internet things ever of all time ever from the internet: #25

So I am bored as shit at work today and decided to write down my Top 25 favorite things from the internet, since I am a seasoned internet connoisseur -- a dot-commelier, if you will. (DURRR INTERNET AND WINE COMBO JOKE DURRR) The criteria I used to come up with this list:

1. Magnitude of hilarity/amazement/what-have-you induced.
2. Ability to stand the test of time. There are plenty of things that pop up on a daily or weekly basis that are amazing, but to be enjoyable after years is a completely different test.
3. 'Relative' obscurity. I put relative in quotes because anything good generally gets distributed. Also, this is just one part of the evaluation, so there will be very popular items on the list. However, if my mom has seen it before, it hurts its score.

'Internet Things' can be videos, people, pictures, concepts, or whatever. I put this list together in like 30 min so I'm sure there's a lot that I forgot about that should be on here, but I think it's a good list.

Enough with the buildup for such a silly list. Below is 25. I have it set up where one will automatically be published a day for the next 25 days. One last note - AMERICANS LOVE COUNTDOWN LISTS WOOOO!

#25- The Tron Guy

I secretly envy guys like this. People who are so passionate about a goofy hobby seem to be really happy when doing it, whether you think it's idiotic or not. I'm a pragmatist, so I say if you're into it, go for itHAHA JUST KIDDING WHAT A FAG.

Weekend update

Just random notes from Mack's wedding weekend, for posterity:

-While out on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh at 230am, a random person comes out of nowhere says "Do you guys want to hear a story about something?" PDiddy immediately replies "NO" to which the guy responds with "yeah... well... FUCK YOU GUYZ FUCK YOU" as he walks away

-We took a vote at 2am to decide whether to continue to go out or head in, which consisted of covering our eyes and putting up one finger for no and two for yes. This is an extremely hare-brained voting method, obviously, but it seemed logical at the time. The yeahs had it 3-1.

-A party member ended up going back to the wrong hotel. I would laugh but I've done that before.

-I met someone at the bar who knew of my company. I'm sure my drunkass in an ill-fitting tuxedo represented my firm well.

-PDiddy felt like we weren't drinking fast enough at the hotel, so decided to chug my and MW's manhattans. This would prove to be his downfall.

-Upset by the "green" (read: cost-cutting) initiatives of the hotel, we decided to leave every light and the tv on. This was true while sleeping, although not completely by design.

-The running joke between PDiddy and me the whole weekend was that some of the speeches were so ridiculously sappy it was like being stuck in a pine forest. This naturally led to syrup jokes, Aunt Jemima on the mic, being hungry for waffles, etc. Anything to keep sane through that.

-As the lovely couple was heading to their room, I believe I said "tear that ass apart." I hope the bride didn't hear me, ha. I am quite the gentleman.

Resume

I updated my resume, which reads verbatim as follows (name replaced, of course):

______________________________________________

Jay D. Dizzle
1234 N Main Road
Chicago, IL 60699
P: 555-234-5678 E: jdizzle@geemail.com








Slangin'

______________________________________________

Comcastic

So I had a chat with Comcast regarding some technical issue. I could have made this much more ridiculous than it was, but here are some highlights.

user Justin_ has entered room
analyst Sandra has entered room [If her name is actually Sandra I'll shit.]


Sandra
Hello Justin_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Sandra. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Sandra
Hi Justin! Thank you for taking the time to chat with us today!


Sandra
How are you doing today?


Justin
Poorly. I can't get my comcast online account set up



Sandra
While waiting, please allow me to take this oppurtunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site, Fancast.com. It offers full television episodes, full-length feature films, trailers and video clips to both Comcast subscribers and non-subscribers.I hope you will enjoy this feature with us. [It's strange that this is a canned message yet has a spelling error ('oppurtunity').]


Justin
I'm sure it's as awesome and works as smoothly as all of your
other products <---sarcasm


Sandra
Thank you for waiting, I appreciate your patience in giving me some time to review the account.


Sandra
It appears on the account that the primary email is xxxxxx@comcast.net


Justin
can I change that to my actual email address? I never received any documentation of how to use or access that email. Not to mention that email address itself


Sandra
Due to the fusion of Comcast.com and Comcast.net, Comcast now requires customers to log-on to their online account using Comcast email address only if they have internet services with Comcast.


Justin
Ok, well that's the sort of red tape I've come to expect. You have not left me disappointed. Now, how do I access this email? I never set it up, so I have no clue what the password is.


Sandra
Let me reset the password for you now.


Justin
KEWL

Justin
Thanks, sweetheart [I've started to call people 'sweetheart' when I feel like being a dick. Or 'chief' if it's a dude]


Sandra
You're very welcome. I hope I was able to help you as much as I can.

As Seen on the Skreetz Pt II

Dunno if this will show up, but these two guys have the *exact same* shirt on.

Open Letter

Dear ingrate commenters from the previous post,

FUCK YOU. I SLAVE OVER A HOT FUCKIN KEYBOARD FOR 20 MINUTES A WEEK AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? NOT COOL BRO. IT'S NOT EASY TO CRACK DUMB JOKES AND COME UP WITH MORONIC SHIT FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL CONSUMPTION.

Sincerely,
J

Shit just got real

In my never-ending quest to bring the highest-quality content to my expansive and loyal followers, I have updated the site a bit. You will now see JAW-DROPPING new colors and a Twizzle feed off to the right. Enjoy it, you ingrates. Now all I need to do is put some actual effort into creating content...

As seen on the skreetz

Tic-Tac-Toe. Regardless of how it plays out on her jacket, this bitch loses.

Brick wall. Bad projector screen.

Enter TBD

So I've officially moved out of the Octagon and into [insert TBD name here]. The physical move itself hasn't been too bad, but the transformation of [TBD] into a livable space is another story. My complete lack of "stuff" combined with time and resource constraints, exhaustion, and my ever-constant cycle of procrastination has made the transition a bit harrowing. The evolution in stages:

Stage 1
Country analog: Afghanistan, specifically the mountains
State: It's cold because I can't figure out how to turn the heat on. There are boxes, a desk, a desk chair and a bare mattress.
Anecdotes:
-Someone yells outside who is either getting taken away by the Taliban or is mentally disturbed.
-My main source of light in the living room is a desk lamp next to a pile of flattened cardboard boxes. It looks like I'm about to interrogate a captured soldier or some shit.

Stage 2
Country analog: Sudan
State: Same as Stage 1 but now it's hot as balls b/c my heat seems to have only one speed. 11.
Anecdotes: I had to take my shirt off while unpacking. Calm down, ladies.

Stage 3
Country analog: Mexico
State: I figured out the heating system. I now have a computer fired up. Internet access is stolen and very shoddy. Also, I have a shower curtain up that's held up by twist ties. (I didn't buy a full-fledged shower curtain yet bc I'm leaving these details to a female)
Anecdotes:
-I cut a pizza with a swiss army knife
-I ate a jello snack with no utensils. I tried to eat some ice cream like this but failed miserably.
-I opened a guinness bottle with a screwdriver and a lighter.

Stage 4
Country analog: Slovakia
State: Internet and television are fully operational. I have plastic silverware. Still no phone or furniture.
Anecdotes:
-I sat hard on a 1.5" carpet staple. It felt like it sounds.
-The television is a projector projecting onto a brick wall. Brick wall isn't the greatest projector screen. I'll upload a picture below.

So, I still sit at stage 4. The goal is Stage 10000: AMUHHRICA, BITCHES WHOOOOO BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A EAT A DICK WORLD WOOOO FORD TRUCKS in a week or 2.

What's this? Real content? Holy shit!

I am moving to a new place next weekend and we all know the most important things to do when relocating-- changing your address, hiring movers, set up mail forwarding, and, most obviously, becoming familiar with local sexual predators.



So let's take a look courtesy of http://www.familywatchdog.us/.

Name: Richard Stevens

Conviction: CHILD PORNOGRAPHY/FILM/TAPE/PHOTO
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 182
Age: 56
Nickname: Bones
Initial Take: The thinking's man sexual predator. He appears to have a smug sense of contempt for you and your society's antediluvian erotic age restrictions. How dare you.
Action Plan: Despite my boyish good looks, I don't think this guy will come after me. He's a little heaver than me, but I probably have a reach advantage. He's pretty old, so assuming he doesn't have a weapon I should be ok. Given his weak-sauce conviction and collared shirt, I'm not worried about this dude.


Name: George Stockton
Conviction: SEXUAL EXPLOITATION/EXPOSE ORGANS
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 170
Age: 37
Nickname: Spud
Initial Take: I'm not sure if this guy's here to fix my computer or rape me. He's clearly in the smile-during-mugshot school of thought, which I've never truly understood. Perhaps they think if you smile, it has a higher chance of being mistaken for a glamor shot? I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he's gay.
Action Plan: My post-new years crowded gym locker room has reminded me of how much I hate naked guys. I hate naked guys about as much as I like naked girls. So, I'm pretty damn scared of this guy and his 'organs'. Keep them to yourself, son. I am straight up scared of this guy. If I see him, I will run.

I have a couple more which I'll try to publish tomorrow or early next week. Can't be too careful.

Beyonce Wednesday

If you liked it to such a degree that you'd be willing to commit monogamously for the rest of your natural life, hence forfeiting significant partner 'option value' as an opportunity cost, or at the very least, to subject yourself to risks of substantive litigation fees, remittance of half your future earnings along with the present value of future offspring-related costs up to 18 years, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

(PS - I'll try to make this a weekly thing bc it's so easy)

Beyonce Wednesday

I surmise that for this gelatin you are ill-prepared.

Amateur Hour

I need to vent for a moment. These new-year's-resolution-gym-going assholes really annoy the shit out of me. So I was at the gym yesterday and here's what I experienced:

-A 10 person deep line for treadmills. I've never seen more than 75% of them taken up at any time. I was almost forced to use a Nordic-Trak. Just kidding. I don't think those exist other than in your grandparents' basement.

-Somebody cut in on me between sets to do *one* set of ONE-ARMED PULLUPS. What is this? A fucking freak show? "Sssstep right up and see The Amazing Barry Milton and his incredible Feats Of Strength!" He couldn't even really do them. It was like watching someone try to pry their hand out of a suspended bear trap. Call me crazy, but you should be able to do at least 5 two-armed pull-ups before you start busting out the one-armed. Christ.

-There was a guy using kettlebells. Fucking *kettlebells*. Is he training for a strong man competition? Dude, Zdrunas Zvikas will totally beat your ass. Maybe you could actually be useful and move the obese person off the machine I want to use and place her in the rafters like an Atlas stone. My gym might look like this soon:


Bottom line is it is amateur month at the gym. The people being annoying and/or doing ridiculous exercises are clearly the most out of shape. Can't wait till all these people fade, which should be pretty soon.

Tuesday Top Twelve

Top 12 things on the to do list for tomorrow:

1. Attend 8am marketing meeting
2. Bring sexy back
3. Answer work emails
4. Remove all the toilet paper from bathrooms in floors with prime numbers
5. Finish LBO model
6. Make Roth IRA contribution
7. Contemplate the size of an electron
8. File expenses
9. Do 1,000 crunches under my desk without anyone noticing
10. Eat all confidential documents.
11. Smoke the really confidential documents.
12. Make sure to get Netflix in the mail

I'm an internet/attention whore

I figure I'd link my Twitter account here since it's basically a mini version of this blog -- i.e., generally streaming, always random, often ridiculous jokes/anecdotes and tasty nuggets o' wisdom published mostly for my own amusement and record-keeping. So, there will never be any "my coffee is yummy"-type updates from me. Especially since the coffee I drink usually isn't very good.

Texts from last night

I received a great 'text from last night', ummmm, last night.

friend: I maced myself and puked in a dasani bottle in the game. i did not have a great time

ahahaha. Further conversation:

me: how did you puke in a bottle with a small opening?
friend: i puked in my mouth, slowly spit it out into the bottle and then left the game

I guess that's what this will do to you.

Thesaurus

I was talking with someone about alternatives for the word 'toilet' for use in a business email. Here's what I came up with:

'sewage conduit'
'waste management facilitator'
'water closet seat'
'byproduct receptacle'
'ceramic restroom fixture'
'flushable water-bowl chair'
'metallically semi-partitioned thinking throne'
'aquatic bulk material jettison device'

Pitt ND

Sooo I hosted a group of people in my hometown of Pittsburgh for the Pitt - ND game. There's probably a ton to talk about which I may get to later (probably not!), but a few bullets:

-We had probably 25-30 people at the tailgate. We ran though a full keg, probably 5 cases, and at least 4 bottles of liquor.

-Somebody came up with a 'shot' called Plutonium -- apple pucker, rumple minze, pucker. Jesus.

-I almost started a 'fu-ckin yin-zers' chant at Heinz Field. Would've been a bad idea, hah.

$

UPDATE: DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I EVER SAY EVER

IMG00029-20091024-1209.jpg

We were jamming bottles into the ground pregame. We jammed one almost 100pct into the ground.

IMG00036-20091024-1828.jpg

IMG00035-20091024-1815.jpg

Game.

IMG00034-20091024-1544.jpg

Go irish.

Some dude behind me started talking shit, telling me to sit down. I asked him why he didn't appreciate my developed lats and traps. He had no response. It's almost pathetic how much I own the asshole ND fans.

IMG00032-20091024-1324.jpg

Awesome

"She's a first chair rusty trombonist"

"That's why I drink everclear. It makes me cool. "

IMG00027-20091024-1121.jpg

Riot juice

There was just a song on the radio that I think was about abortions.

BC Liveblog!

So today's a pretty big game for the irish, but I feel like people aren't as up for it as they should be (myself included).

Anyhow, the Drink of the Week is Riot Juice, as seen on Thursdays always sunny. It's perticularly applicable because if we lose there will be a riot. The indgredients, which are probably not 100pct accurate, are vodka, blue gatorade, and red bull. What pulls it all together is drinking it out of a clear water jug.

We just bought the ingredients and spent some time properly setting them up in styrofoam coolers. It's like we're transporting organs.

USC Liveblog, An Addendum

There was one particularly notable event that happened during the game that I wasn't able to write about at the time. So, I'll explain here:

When DFo and I got to our seats there was a guy in the row in front of us with this green goofy hat (don't know what the name of this type of hat is; it's like something an old man would wear) that said 'Chicago Irish' on it. This dude was probably in his mid to late 20's. DFo was being friendly and asked him if he was from Chicago and what high school he went to. They chatted for a little bit and that was that.

Fast-forward to the second quarter. Score is 3-7 USC. DFo and I were doing our normal football talk -- saying stuff like 'that was a good block', 'they're rolling coverage to Tate's side', 'interesting to see Walker in the game,' etc, etc. On one play, a USC defensive end jumps waaaay offsides but has enough time to stop and backtrack to his side of the field. DFo and I are upset and DFo says what we both were thinking in that it should be whistled dead and called as a penalty because the USC player was unabated to the quarterback. Our friend, the guy in the Chicago Irish hat, turns around and says there's not such thing and that a defensive player 'can run around in circles in the backfield as long as the ball is not snapped.' He then goes on further saying we've been talking way too much and talking out of our asses the whole game and how he 'has never heard two people who know so little about football talk so much about football'. Jesus. Christ.

Ok, where to start with all of this? Let's start with one point, just to get that out of the way. From the official 2009-2010 NCAA Rule Book, (PDF here) :

Before the snap, a Team B player crosses the neutral zone and, without making contact, continues his charge behind a Team A lineman and directly toward (read: unabated) the quarterback or kicker. RULING: A Team B player who is on Team A’s side of the neutral zone and is moving in a direct path toward the quarterback or kicker while he is behind an offensive lineman is considered to be interfering with Team A’s formation. Penalty—Team B foul, offside. Dead ball. Five yards from the succeeding spot.

So, first of all, this goofy-hatted fuck was wrong about the point in question. Further DFo, and I were not being obnoxious, loud, or making ridiculous statements. It's not like we were saying "oh, man, Weis should have called a 20 yard switch-route concept against that Cover 9 robber USC defense." The nerve of this guy was unbelievable, especially considering he is supposedly an ND fan, we were chatting and being friendly earlier, and it being the biggest game in 10 years.

DFo and I are just amazed at the audacity and dickishness of this dude. Some of my responses, other than assuring him that 'unabated to the QB' is a rule, were:
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a PhD in football? Thank God you here to educate the laymen."
"Are you a disguised USC fan? Why in the hell would you pick a random fight with someone on the same team?"

We then proceeded to make jokes about how I hope we get a home run, and other jokes like that. So the guy actually leaves at halftime. Maybe he was scared or something?? Not sure why he'd be scared of two dorky-looking white dudes, but whatever.

Another story of how AWESOME Notre Dame fans are. Ugh.

Also, depending on how I'm feeling tomorrow (have been sick this week), I may liveblog the BC game tomorrow.

Not sure how this game's gonna go. Shrug.

One. Time.

I told as a USC fan that I hope they contract dysentery and/or ecoli in the bathroom.

I told as a USC fan that I home they contract dysentery and/or ecoli in the bathroom.

On the next episode of 'what not to wear', maroon and gold.

Overheard: "by the transitive property, that means your girlfriend wants to fuck me"

Dfo just called an 11 year old an asshole.

What would happen if a presidential scandal occurred here. What would they call it? Tailgategate? Tailgate squared?

Are the performing abortions in these port-o-johns?

Some dude just said he married his woman because she is 'an extremely fast pisser'. Awesome. Also, I misspelled dysentery.
I've been in this line forever. This is that trail of tears.

This phalanx of bathroom lines is harder to traverse than the Oregon trail. And I'm pretty sure dysentary is even more of a risk in this situation.

USC Game Liveblog!

7:30am: what kind of patheric, depraved bastards buy boxed wine at 7am from Jewel? Me and D-fo, that's who.

Anyhow, today is probably the biggest ND game since I've been a fan (2002). So, I will be blogging the occasion. My phone has a camera now, so ill be able to upload photos in real time, if that ends up making sense.

Back to the boxed wine. We will be drinking it out of cans, an idea from Always Sunny. It allows concealment and violent hand gestures without spilling.

A Reasoned, Eloquent Dialogue on the Olympics Not Coming to Chicago, Taken From GChat

friend:

what's the local chicago reaction

to bam bam's failure

me:

3:00 PM

i think most people, at least in circles like mine, didn't want it

it was just so damn politically driven

im happy as balls

fuck these clown ass politicians here

3:01 PM fuck dailey

fuck obama

fuck em

keep these foreign ass clowns out of my shit

i idont need any more foreign dbags up in my face

i dont need any more contruction projects blasting me in the ass on a daily basis

3:02 PM for 2 weeks of clusterfucking

dont need 6 years of mild to moderate clusterfucking for 2 weeks of vicious clusterfucking

that equation doesnt make sense to me

3:04 PM i dont get how building a goddamn stadium or an aquapark or whatever makes economic sense. how does spending that money justify a month of increase in economic activity

3:05 PM i refuse to believe that some latvian polevaulter or whatever is gonna spend enough cash to pay for that

3:06 PM so it would be over and we're left with our proverbial dicks in our hands with a bunch of bullshit infrastructure. with no purpose. when shit that actually needs CAPEX is left still fucked
there were some germans on my train car early this week. i almost went ape shit

now, times that by 10000

for the olympics

man, THANK GOD

we didnt get that shit

STFU Marrieds Entry?

The comment is mine, by the way, and I haven't talked to this person since high school. Pretty much your standard facebook nonfriend. We'll see how long it takes to get deleted. If it doesn't, she may be denser than I imagine.

Also, from a gchat after I read the above:

Im telling you, my jealously just cannot be contained

on a scale from 1 to 10, I'm like a super fucking jealous

i mean, if it were just the baby-looking in december, I'd be okay. Maybe

But Stacy? AND amy?

Jesus H fucking christ

how can I live with myself

knowing that someone is experiencing such ecstasy

when I'm left with such a trite, dreary existence in comparison

and dont even get me started on the photographer

how did she get the BEST photographer in the world?

man, i thought he was nearly impossible to get!

BUT SHE GOT HIM!

OMG

OMG

CURSE THIS INEQUITABLE WORLD. FUUUUUCK!

I admit I'm a bit of a curmudgeon when it comes to facebook, but sometimes these status updates, random CAPITALIZED! outbursts, musings, etc., get so damn bad that I can barely take it, and I must retaliate with some snarky-ass comment. It's necessary for the universe to remain balanced.

Life Support

This blog has been on life support for probably well over a year now, but I'll continue to write, albeit disparately and sparingly, as a long painful crawl hooked up to respirators and various tubes is better than death. At least when we're talkin' 'bout blogs.

Anyhow, time for a...
Yes, that's a weekend update, if you're that incredibly dense. On Friday MackP, Beth, and Jamie came to Chicago from the Pittsburgh, Pistolvania. Shenanigans by day were as follows:

Friday
-Went to Hugo's Frog Bar for dinner. I explained to the uninitiated that the area we were in -- Rush and Division (or 'the Russian Division,' if you're P-Diddy) -- is notorious for older guys looking to pick up younger chicks, so watch your cornholes. I left that last part out.
-Mack and I had Irish coffee that was more alcoholic than an Irish Carbomb. It was was honestly 75% whiskey. I never thought I'd drink coffee like it was a shot.
-Afterwards we went to Elm Street Liquors to hang out. A roaming pack (perhaps gaggle?) of chubby chicks came in at about 11 and came. to. party. One of them just started grinding up on the wall like it was the dirtiest, nastiest, most ghetto-ass dance party in the world. She was dropping it as if it were very, very hot. Anyhow, this was very amusing and is my idea of entertainment. Great people-watching in that area in general.

Saturday
-Woke up at the very unsexy ass crack of Dawn's in order to go to an ND game.
-Drank about 5 of the last roughly 40 non-pussified Sparks on the planet Earff. I have a cache of the old formula and am rationing them carefully.
-ND curb-stomped Nevada.

Sunday
-Went to the Jazz Festival. The weather was great and it was fun, but really this thing is highly overrated. I like the smaller street festivals with cover bands and whatnot a lot more. Oh well.

Ugh, I just got really tired so I'm just going to quit and post the damn thing even though there's more to write about. Each post on this site is more half-assed than the last. Therefore, each new entry is the most half-assed I have ever done.

Your Daily Math Joke for July 18th, 2009

j(x+j)
Possession of j's with intent to distribute.

Bonus Deep Thought: I'd rather be worth my volume in gold than my weight in gold.

Bonus Deep Thought II: You can't hold a revolving door for a girl, so I think it's more chivalrous to enter a revolving door first, as it creates a spinning momentum and is easier for the 2nd person to go through.


Hmm, this blog may have reached a new nadir.

Plane

I find it strange that airline parlance for children traveling in the same seat as their parent is "lap children.". This just sounds odd to me, like it's some sort of sub-human or someone with a deformity. "Stacy had her baby. It's so sad though. She had a lap child."

Baseball is not intended for those with ADD.

S Dot had a good idea for a movie. It's a vampire flick starring Michael J Fox. Title -- Stake and Shake.

Liveblog: White Sox Road Trip

So a group of us are headed to Milwaukee to watch the White Sox, which, like most things in life, is just an excuse to drink and be ridiculous. Ill be posting random thoughts, anecdotes, and observations for the entertainment of, well, myself at least.

I'm amazed at how many coolers and how much ice we have. It's like we're transporting organs or something. However, we have something much more valuable and important -- Sparks.

Deep Thought

People who run on the streets really fast freak me out. It looks like they're running from something horrible and make me think maybe I should start running too.

Today at the office a bunch of us were talking after a meeting and a visitor asked where a certain door went. I made a joke and said "on the other side is Narnia." Nobody laughed. FML.

SC Bound

I'm at O'Hare airport and this place is america at its worst. I'm flying united and at the check-in kiosk they tried to sell me no less that 4 different things -- first class seats, united "economy plus" (30 bucks), expedited security line (40), and a few other things that were so retarded I repressed them from my memory. Look, I'm claustrophobic and somewhat loose with my money but there's no way 6 inches of extra leg room is worth 30 bones. I'll spend 5 dollars on modern pharmaceuticals and pass the fuck out.
So I have my golf clubs with me and I'm a bit paranoid about getting charged a ton for it. First checked bag is 15 bucks. If it's over 50 lbs it's 125 (no joke) and if it's "oversized" it's 175. Christ, these clubs might be both. I place my bag on the scale and ask if it's over 50lbs. They guys says "yes it is." Fuuuuuuck. Then he says he's kidding and "just wanted to see the look on my face." Thanks, airport dude, I'm pretty sure that's how people get shot.
After some other moderate to severe annoyances, I'm posted up with a 8 dollar beer in front of me that's really worth so much more.
So, I'm off soon. I may do some "live blogging" though I'm not sure how much will be fit for your christian ears.

Til then!

How not to write a resume

This is a section from a resume my firm received recently. It is crinkled for a reason.

Click the image for easier reading.

Solution to the financial crisis

We're in quite a bind with all sorts of banks making terrible bets and over-leveraging. The government has thrown a bunch of money at them to solve the problem and now they're looking for more money themselves. Government officials have been looking for other sources of tax revenue, such as carried interest, increase in capital gains tax, etc. I contend that there is a better and easier solution -- tax cartoon characters. Let's consider Scrooge McDuck.

Uncle Scroooge, a tax-evading fuck.

Scrooge is rich as shit and his ass needs to be taxed. What does the government stand to gain from this? Well, let's consider what may be his number one asset -- gold bullion. Let's start by calculating its value today. His 'Money Bin', according to Wikipedia, is 53,391 cubic meters (37x37x39). Assume it's roughly half full, so that's 25,000 cubic meters of gold.

A cubic centimeter of gold weighs 19.3 grams. 25k cubic meters = 25 billion cubic centimeters. So, he has about 482 million kilograms of gold. Gold is generally priced in troy ounces and one troy ounce equals 31.1 grams. This works out to 15.5 billion troy ounces. At today's price of $9oo/oz, that gold is worth just under $14 trillion dollars.

Back when I was watching Duck Tales in 1991, gold was at roughly $350/oz, implying McDuck has seen a gain of $8.5 trillion. Gold is considered a long term capital asset, which is taxed at 20%. So, on this income alone, Scrooge owes the US Govt $1.7 trillion dollars in back taxes. This is roughly 2/3rds of what the gov't brings in per year.

Crisis solved bitches.

Blog Resurrection Number 45,342

So I was going though my phone and came across a journal I was keeping on my Europe trip from last summer. I didn't post it earlier due to an issue with a serpent-like creature I was inexplicably associated with at the time. Anyhow, it's incomplete, but I hope ya'll enjoy regardless.


"So we're approaching evening of the first day in Germany (july 1) and it's been kind of a rough go. However, given certain circumstances it's almost been a miracle it hasn't been much much worse. On Sunday I was the sickest I've been in over 2 years. I contracted food poisoning from food at this street fest. Uuugh. I was completely down and out. I also totally screwed up my neck and back from lying in the fetal position for hours on end (this helped with the stomach cramps). Not good for having to sit in a plane for 8 hours at a time.

International flights are surely a matter of the haves and have-nots. First class seemed baller since they sat in pods or whatever, although it was hard for me to see since they didn't allow the great unwashed to look in that direction. Business Class seemed very comfortable. Economy, however, was pretty rough. The worst part was that the movies were terrible. Not only were the movies bad, but they gave business class better ones. Wtf? Does it really cost anything more to play them in all classes. I think American Airlines was just looking to crush the spirit of the peasants. Pisses me off. So we were stuck w options like "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 3: The Quest for More Groove." =/

We had a short layover at Heathrow. Getting to the connecting flight was like a weird Mario Kart level, requiring twisted paths and long distances. We were sure to hit the "turbo arrows", ie people movers whenever we could. We arrived in Munich (or Munchen in German or "Munchkin" as I liked to call it) at mid-afternoon. Allison was smart enough to write down detailed directions from the airport to the hostel so we found it somewhat easily. All the weird street names were kinda hard to navigate. It's hard to remember aufwendlesteinerblochenstraBe.

Germany is almost exactly what I expected.

That night we went to one of the main beer gardens. It was pretty amazing. It was this giant area with tons of long tables and tall trees. There were probably between 1 and 3 thousand people here. Seemed to be mostly locals which was pretty cool. Beer was served in 1 liter steins. We had one and then wanted to try something else. The station was self serve so allison picked up a smaller stein. Apple juice. We tried another smaller stein which looked like a darker beer. Coke. So instead of sit around with all these soft drinks like a bunch of clowns we peaced.

German "light beer" is a misnomer. It's still quite strong and has an intense alcohol taste to it. For me, it's pretty hit or miss. Some of it I loved and some I thought was pretty rough.

The next day we took a tour at Dachau, one of the concentration camps. It was pretty incredible to see something like that. It was weird though, because the emotional aspect never really sunk in for me. I thought I would have a very rough time. It might be because it's so horrific that it's tough to really comprehend.

At night we went to the main haufbrau haus. It was big and the beer was very excellent, but it was outrageously touristy. The people next to us had southern accents.

German girls. Not cute. Must like their weiner schnitzel a little too much.

July 3rd we traveled to Prague. The train was pretty nice, but took 6 hrs even though the two cities were less than 200 miles away. The main prague station is being repaired so we get dropped off in the surburbs. Weird. You can tell this country is much worse off than germany, which didn't seem to have much poverty anywhere. So we're in this train station and can't figure out how to get a ticket to downtown. The ticket person speaks no english, doesn't accept dollars or euros, and doesn't have time for your cracker-ass cracker american bullshit. So fuck. What do we do? Try to exchange for Crowns (czech currency) w a local? Steal some shit? Well, I noticed they don't really check your ticket on the way in so I suggest we just bust through and sneak on the train. Works! Thank God for the honor system.

We arrive at the train station from which our directions start. We have a crappy map. We go up the super scary steep fast escalator to street level. It's at an intersection of like 8 streets so it's effectively a parking lot. It's hard to find street names to get our bearing. It also didn't help that our directions told us to go through the Bubble Tower. How the fuck are we supposed to know what that is. Next time around I will be more prepared. Anyhow, it took us a good hour or so to find the hostile which was probably a 15min walk from the station. The hostile is shitty with a broken mirror and no towels. The showers in all these places are the size of phonebooths.

Prague looks more run down than Germany. Though it depends on where you're at. Women there are notoriously beautiful, but I'm not sure if I can attest to that. It was hard telling tourists from locals and a lot of them had that poor eastern european pornstar look. They're tall with long legs, which goes a long way.

We spent the first evening at a cafe and then at a local bar. Praise the local bar. Beer is much cheaper and is more of a cultural scene. We had a hard time finding these types of places. Half-liters of beer were less than two dollars.

I was familiar with Pilsner urquel, brewed in the Czech republic, before going there. I didn't particularly like it. However, out of the tap in the Czech Rep it was amazing. Best beer I've ever had hands down. Must be legal to put crack in things there.

Next day we visited the main Castle, or Schloss, the german word. We borrowed a term from MIA's brother in saying that we were Schloss hunting. Cool stuff, cool history, cool pictures, lots of walking. I dropped prolly 3-5 lbs during this trip which will serve as a good starting point for rededicating myself to working out. If I didn't eat so crappily on this trip I might be in great shape. Anyhow, bagged that Schloss, went to bed kinda early since we needed to catch a bus to cesky krumlov the next day.

The official website says a bus leaves for krumlov at 9am from station x. Allison's alarm doesn't work and we get up at like 815. It's a pretty far walk. I say "I can leave in 3 min. We need to leave very soon. " Allison says ok but then proceeds to take like a 5min shower and another 5 min to get packed. We're fighting although she didn't know I was pissed at the time.

We walk at blazing speeds to the stop. Don't make it on time and I think we can just catch the 11. The person at the ticket booth tells us that the next one is at 3 and at a different station across town. I didn't take a shower. I'm tired. I have a heavy backpack. The website lied. The station looks like it's in Iraq. I'm pissed. As we walk away I go in a ranting tirade about the Czech Republic and their "broke-ass easern european bullshit," calling all sorts of buildings and people things like "broke", "clown shoes", or "gay" while I contine to mumble or yell to myself. We make it to the main square. I tell MIA that Jan Has, a historical figure with a huge statue in the square, says "Fuck you.". Thankfully, I was joking at this point and got over my bad mood. I also declared that if I were a pickpocketer I would take your shit but not run. Would just stand there like "WHAT! What you goin' do?"

We spent the rest of the day before the train at some weird eiffel tower thing on a hill. We also watched an ADHD kid hump a car.

We dilly-dally to the new station and arive 20 min before the bus leaves. Only problem is that we are at the station sign and do not see any buses. We run around like chickens with our heads cut off looking for the buses. One person told us the wrong location which basically fucked us. We had 8 min til departure. I've given up hope and try to imagine how we'll find new lodging or what we'll do with another 2 nights in Prague. There are only so many Schlosses. Eventually someone told us the right location and we ran to the spot. Barely made it. That was a hugely important point in our trip. Off to the krumlov.

"I'm Krumlovin it" I say as we walk into the city. Good lord I'm witty. The city basically looks like something out of a video game. Pretty incredible.
"

So there you have it. I also wrote "Its hard to represent your shit when you're trying to represent some other shit" although I now don't remember what that means. Was probably wasted.

I might try to fill in the rest of the trip sometime although that may be tough since it's been 9 months. I think the above represents a little under half.

I intend in my usual half-assed fashion to keep updating. My next entry will be how to solve the financial crisis.

I decided that I will be liveblogging christmas. At least parts of it. This is mainly to keep myself sane. If you're bored with your family, tune in.

I came up with a new catch phrase. I will write a post on it later.

Constitution

The founding fathers of Facebook did not intend for it to be used as a way to display sonogram images.

Surrender.willingham.org

I used to respect Washington as a program. Then I saw they had a track around their field. Fuck em....

They're running 2 deep safties everytime so we need to run seam and dig routes.

Time for the Truth (Clausen) the Whole Truth (Floyd) and/or Nothing But The Truth (Tate)

Ty Willingham is a simpleton. Cover 2 we will run it. And it is good.

The Whole Truth plus 7. Go irish.

Batteries. Muertas.

I just chugged a 16 oz guiness in mike's face bc I promised it as he was being a dick earlier.

Washington girls. Not cute. And they probably don't shave.

Finally we secured a tailgate spot. It has been an epic journey. Someone willk eventually make a 3-part tv movie series about it. Dear lord.

Yoko says hello to everyone.

So I think we got punked earlier by the lot attendant who said we couldn't park there. We are going to solve this situ.

Clownshoes.clownspot.com/lame/ghey.html#query=wtf

Sooo we couldn't find the lot we were looking for so we're posted up in a parking garage tailgating. We are not allowed to. I'm telling all the passing cars to "stop snitching". Dave and I are now looking for an open lot.

Hippies like to express their opinions through bumper stickers. Half the cars here have them. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" deeeeeep

1153am: Saw a dude in a hand-painted car with a godzilla figurine and fish mailbox on top of his car. Was too slow w my camera to grab a picture. Epic fail.

1144am: the parking lot for tailgating doesn't open for another hour fifteen (lame). Suffering from SWS (sparks withdrawal syndrome).

Set if off

Ok, so the live blog now commences and will continue until my phones out of batteries. This could be sooner than hoped bc my phone is getting old and I brought a ghettocharger that only charges halfway. How that works or makes sense I don't know.

Anyhow, we used a luggage carrier to transport all the beer and energybooze out of the hotel room. Today will be a glorious day.

Skeddadle

Just touched down in Seattle for the Notre Dame football game tomorrow which I will be "live blogging." And we all know live blogging is just a euphamism for writing obsenities about Ty Willingham.

As I'm in Seattle under the Space Needle I'm thinking that I'm going to add "Space" to the beginning of things for emphasis/coolness. E.g., "oh snap son, you just got space raped!" Or "this chicken is space good."

This blog has reached either rock bottom or the very top

Below is the sort of email conversations I have. I'm basically 12 years old.


On Thu, Jun 19, 2008 at 3:20 PM, mackP wrote:

I be rhymin so hardcore that motha fuckas don't believe it...
When I say shit like 'I'll squeeze a fetus and eat it just like a cheeze-it'

> To: Mack P
> From: sasquatchhh
> Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2008 22:57:32 +0000
>
> My flows rhyme tight from the north side to mcknight
>

White

My mom asked me yesterday "how was the Conway concert?"

Name that chart