21.12.06

Words/Phrases I Hate

Word/Phrase: "Tickled Pink"
Why I hate it: Not only are you a fucking fairy if you use this, but it doesn't even make sense. What the *fuck* does this even mean?
Appropriate death strike: Scissor kick to the back of the skull.

Word/Phrase: "Making Whoopee"
Why I hate it: This shit makes me cringe. What, are you on the Goddamn Newlywed show? STFU
Appropriate death strike: Lexington Steele Danza Slap.

Word/Phrase: "Value Added"
Why I hate it: I could compile a list of just business terms that piss me off. This is one of the mose cliche imaginable. If you're doing work that doesn't add any value then there is something dreadfully wrong.
Appropriate death strike: Head first into a super large Salad Shooter.

Word/Phrase: "Going out"
Why I hate it: Ok, this shit is waaay overused and isn't very logical. It's painfully non-descriptive. I associate it wil getting all prissy and going to a club or something. Weak.
Appropriate death strike: Carnivorous scarab beetle in the brain.

To be continued...

17.12.06

Depressing

There was a word on the Ihop menu that I didn't understand. That's a 50 intelligence points minus.

15.12.06

World of Workcraft

So I got out of the house today to perform my daily raid in the city of Chi-nassus and hopped on the Train of Stress and Elevation which exacted its usual fury upon me, causing a neg 50 hp. My DOTs had no effect and I was forced to exit. My day of Excel farming with my corporate Guild was rougher than a two person raid on Kel'thuzad. Unfortunately my boss pwn'd me and casted a level 5 Deadline spell at the end of the day and I wasn't wearing my usual Shield of Apathy or even my Skirting gauntles. I'm sure tomorrow he'll give me a 50 DKP minus. There goes my hope of getting a Legendary item at the end of the year. I'll probably have to deal with a Rare Quality one. =( Since it was really late I didn't feel like dealing with the Train again, I decided to warp home even though it costs 15 Manna.



Disclaimer: I don't play "WoW," so there are discrepancies I'm sure.

10.12.06

Rush

I've decided I want to join the Illuminati. I feel like I fit the demographic... The problem is, how do I join? Is there an online application I can fill out? Are there interview slots available?
Please contact me. = /

6.12.06

Bring in the Baron

Your favorite football team is down 4 with 20 seconds left with your opponent lining up to kick a field goal to go up by 7. Thankfully, your team is rumored to have a secret weapon. He is a 6'7", 275 lb, 34 year-old from Dusseldorf, Germany. He can't speak English and doesn't normally get in the game, but at this moment there is no player more important in the world.

Your team's only chance is to block, and subsequently house (that is, return for a TD) the impending kick. Thankfully, this is the specialty of the aptly named Otto von Blockenhaus, Baron of blocking kicks and returning them for touchdowns. He draws his power from his lederhosen (which he wears outside his uniform) and the Weizenbock he chugs before, and sometimes during, each play.

The actual existence of the Baron is disputed. There have been claims of Baron sightings at high school football games in rural Mongolia and the South. Unfortunately, these people have yet to discover video-recording technology so the existence of this creature remains uncertain. His purported modus operandi is to knife through the D-line like a ghost, catch the football immediately after it has been kicked, bitch-slap the kicker like town whore Fraulein Schuder, and rumble his way to the end zone.

The moral of the story is that there is hope. Next time your team is in a dire situation have faith and yell in your best German accent, "BRING IN ZEE BLOCKENHAUS!" He's your only chance.

5.12.06

Goin' Stag

So apparently a 70 year-old woman shot her husband because he gave her a warm beer. Link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,234618,00.html.
At first glance this seems ridiculous. However, that probably wasn't the first time he pulled such a stunt. Stag beer just isn't good warm. So fuck that. If my spouse has been handing me warm beers for the last 60-odd years I'm not gonna take that shit any more. "Hey, bitch. You give me a warm Stag, I'll give you a hot silver bullet. Right to the domepiece. Blaaaahdow!"

4.12.06

Deep Thoutghts

Quick thought.

Chicago is windy as shit. I remember hearing that Chicago was dubbed the Windy City for political reasons. What a ridiculous coincidence. That's like calling the North Pole "Snow City" because Santa has a cocaine problem.

29.11.06

Credo

I was listening to music today and stumbled across a couple sentences that truly summarize and embody who I am. It is my credo, if you will:

"I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches. I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits."

Dranx #1 and #2

I found a bottle of Kahlua buried in my things today. It made me think of this particularly awful drink I once had. My top 5 worst drinks of all time, in no particular order (I may order them later):

1. "The Kahlua Sour" - Date: circa 2003 Location: College
Pop quiz, hotshot. It's a Friday night, you're staying in, and all you have is a bottle of Kahlua. What do you do? What. do. you. do? Well, if you're like me you fire up the ole intarweb and google "kahlua mixed drinks." The only one that I could find that included the materials readily available to me was a "kahlua sour." Maybe I should've realized this at the time, but Kahlua, sugar, and lemon juice is a less-than-stellar combination. It's odd, when you combine these substances it forms a syrup-like fluid. Needless to say it was awful. It was like drinking motor oil mixed with lemonade mixed with Aunt Jemima. Sadly, I did not come even close to finishing this drink.

2. "World's Largest Tequila Shot" - Date: circa 2001 Location: PittsburghAs a preface, the reasoning behind this drink is irrational and inexplicable for the most part. In fact, I am going to spin this story as much as I can to make my actions seem somewhat reasonable. But I assure you, they weren't.
So anyhow, this drink takes place in high school and I was not a very experienced drinker. The place was a house party with a bunch of my high school friends. Back then, I wasn't much of a beer drinker (that taste I had to acquire) so I was looking around for some other kind of alcohol to quench my thirst. Some of the girls were making margaritas and I decided to roll over there with my trusty empty Solo cup in hand. I, being a self-respecting Man, couldn't drink the feminine to semi-feminine Margarita. I tell one of the ladies, "dump some of that tequila in my cup." To this day I still remember her response: "Just straight tequila? You're crazy." Yeah, crazy like an (alcoholic) fox. The cup was filled by no less than 3 inches of this tequila. Think for a minute how much tequila that is. And this was no Petron Silver. This was "we're highschoolers with no money, don't know anything about liquor, and we're gonna mix it to hell anyhow" tequila. What did I use as a chaser? Air, testosterone, and willpower, my friend. With a drink this serious, you can't just roll around and mingle as you would with any other drink. You have to concentrate and focus. Therefore, I sat down in the living room with the lights on and just slugged it while keeping my game face on.The aftermath was not pretty. For some reason I wasn't terribly drunk, but it gave me awful stomach cramps. And I mean awful. I was on a recliner in a fetal position for at least an hour. That's the price you pay for being hardcore (and a dumbass).

Numbers 3-5 will come at a later date. Stay tuned, Nation.

28.11.06

Space Wastin'

So I decided to reward myself for not being sick over the last 5 or so months by taking a fake sick day. (Karma, please refrain from being a bitch. Word on the street is that you can be one.) I just needed a day to relax and get some ish done. Also, it gave me a chance to gain perspective on my life and lay out a plan.

Step 1: Get the money
Step 2: Get the power
Step 3: Buy the complete series of "Salute Your Shorts" on DVD

In all seriousness, I just needed a day from the shitshow that has been my life. With moving in, trips to home, trips to football games, etc. I haven't been able to regroup. However, I think today did me a lot of good. Hopefully this will translate into more updates.

20.11.06

deleted

Well, I was going to write a post entitled "Rosa Parks: Quit Your Bitchin'", but I'm not sure if it was gonna come across the right way.

But anyways I have so posts in the queue that I need to finish up. So have no fear.

12.11.06

Updizzle

Time to turn and face the strange.

I've determined I'm a materially different person than I was, say, 1 year ago. One of the main changes is that I'm much more obnoxious. I'm not completely sure how/why this happened. But the fuck that I give has decreased substantially. This has both positive and negative effects. The positive effect is that girls seem to respond relatively well to obnoxiousness for some reason. It's might be the whole "all the hot chicks get with assholes" theory. The negative is epitomized in the following example:
So when we were waking over to this bar (mind you that I'm completely sober at this point) and we saw this group of like 15 guys dressed up as the "superfans". I say something like "Hey assholes, Halloween was two weeks ago." Well, this was funny and all, but I didn't want to have the story where one night I got my ass kicked by a roaming gaggle of Superfans. That's just uncool.

6.11.06

Update!

Yeah, I know I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy at work and moving in.

Disturbing alert:

My one friend just likened hooking up with a passed-out chick like the game "Operation." Just like with the game, you want to get the job done without providing too much stimulation.

High-larious.

24.10.06

Fackts

  • Hitler was not nice.
  • Winning a billion dollars is a somewhat positive experience.
  • A circle has less than 5 corners.
  • The center of the Sun is toasty to semi-toasty.
  • Mayonnaise is of little intelligence.
  • Jamba Juice is good.

23.10.06

Word to the wise.

Time to give the Nation a pearl of investment wisdom. For those of you who don't know, a future contract is a contract for delivery of a good at a future point in time. These are traded and are pretty much always attached to a certain commodity. The prices of these contracts are governed by the dynamics of supply and demand. The following is a chart showing my prediction for pumpkin future prices.

Therefore, sell that shit and get fat paid.

22.10.06

Meatsnack

My good friend and roommate Dave pulled this old-school "joke" on some of our roommates the other night. It was originally done by my friend Sean about 2 years ago. I was the original victim. I'm not sure if it will translate well to this medium or if this audience will even get it. Anyhow, here's how our convo went back in oh-fo'.

Sean: "Do you like steak?"
Me: "Of course."
S: "If my penis were a steak would you eat it?"
M: "No..."
S: "It's not attached to my body or anything"
M: "Still no, obviously."
S: "It tastes like a steak, looks like a steak, smells like a steak and everything. But it's still my dick."
M: "Are we venturing into Aristotelian philosophy here? Are its steak-like properties its accidents and its substance is your penis?"
S: "What if you didn't know it was my dick?"
M: "So I don't know at the time of consumption about the true nature of said steak, but am making the decision now?"

This sort of back-and-forth goes on for a very long time and concludes as follows.

S: "Ok, so the steak has all the physical properties of a steak and is not my dick... but yet it is."
M: "Fine. If the steak has every single property of a steak I would eat the Goddamn steak."
S: "OH MY GOD YOU JUST SAID YOU'D EAT MY COCK!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Hey guys, he just said he'd eat my dick!!"

Sean goes on for the next few days telling all of our friends about my homosexual tendencies. It was ridiculous and pretty hilarious.

20.10.06

Ughh.

I'm really disappointed because I wrote a pretty good post and the stupid thing deleted it. I'll try to rewrite it this weekend.

19.10.06

Fecalshow


So my trip to NY wasn't the greatest. Both my flights there and back got delayed and I arrived at my destinations past midnight.

So what do you do when stuck at an airport?
Drink excessively. See picture.

What do you do when you're on a business trip and have a corporate card?
Expense that shit. (Now you see why I don't disclose what company for which I work. Yeah, I just rewrote that sentence to avoid ending a sentence in a preposition. Eat it.)

I was quite tipsy on both my planes. On the way back I fell asleep on the plane as soon as I took my seat. When I woke up they guy next to me had moved to another empty sleep. I must've freaked him out in my drunkedness. I vaguely remember pulling out the "barf bag" in front of me for some reason. I think that's what caused him to leave.

16.10.06

Longer than anticipated.

I apologize for the random, no-direction posts as of late. It's a function of laziness and my drinking habit. It's hard to hold on to a coherent thought for longer than 3 sentences with a few dranks coursing through your system. Anyhow, a few points.
Josh P. suggested a couple new beer names: Crew's Brew and Marztown Ale. I like them both.
There have been times where I kind of regretted not getting into more of a quantitative finance role. I.e., programming trading programs and stuff like that. However, I discovered several reasons why this wouldn't be ideal for me:
  • You pretty much have to have a Masters/PhD to get one of the good jobs.
  • Companies are beginning to outsource that type of job like crazy. They outsource my current job somewhat. However, my job is only temporary and they can't outsource everything. I feel bad for the future wannabe analysts because I suspect in 5 years these companies will be hiring less than half the analysts they do now.
  • There's not much upward mobility. Best case scenario is you become head trader or something like that. But that would be the absolute ideal situation. There aren't many other options that are sweet jobs.
  • Foreigners. The industry is absolutely dominated by foreigners. Hell, I have a hard time communicating with my cab driver about where I want to go.
  • Far less money in the big picture. Let's face it, I care a lot about money. So do you.
  • I wouldn't be great at it. A job like the one I have now is a much better fit with my skill set. I'm just not terribly talented at math and programming. I like it, and I'm a lot better than most people. But I can't hold a candle to these Visual Basic programming mathletes from Asia. Plus I just don't have the computer science background.
Ergo, this field isn't great and I no longer have second thoughts about my career choice.
So I made a life-changing decision today and decided I'm going to grow out my hair and keep it a little longer than usual. It's still going to be pretty clean since I work at a bank. I think the whole long hair idea is a good one partly because it drastically mitigates my sometimes obnoxious ear-to-head angle. For every self-deprecating comment I must also include a self-fellating comment as well. Well, not really. Anyhow, the majority of hair dressers I've gone to have commented on the sweetness of my hair. To quote my hairdresser today my hair "is awesome." I'm not joking. Seriously, I don't buy it. My hair blows and at best is ordinary. Perhaps the true power of my hair is not being utilized. Hmmmm.
Yeah, so cheapass umbrellas are worthless in Chicago. It was windy as shit and one of the spokes bent. And then a few other bent. And then the thing went completely inverted. Suffice it to say I was pissed. I administered the coup de grace by snapping the shaft completely in half. I threw it out in a trash can with at least three other broken umbrellas. Good Lord.

15.10.06

Jagshemash

So the hotel I'm staying at on Tuesday night, the SOHO Grand, you get a complimentary goldfish. I'm gonna set that motherfucker free. It's name is going to be Bitey and it will swim to glorious freedom through the Hudson and out into the ocean where it will reunite with its long-lost father. This is in no way a rip-off of "Finding Nemo" because this is real fucking life, son. Plus, I've never even seen that movie before. So eat it. I come up with my own ideas.

brue

I've decided that I'm going to brew my own beer soon after moving into my place. I'm trying to come up with a decent name/names for my brew/brews. Because let's be honest, the name is the most important part. Current ideas off the very top of my head:
  • Spank's Drank (with a picture of my dog, Spanky, on the bottle)
  • Drunk Juice
  • Beer McBeerstein's Ale (or whatever kind of beer it will be)
  • Brew Dawg
  • Belligerency Fuel (this would have to be of extremely high % alc)

Please feel free to make suggestions.

Btw, "Jared" from Subway has gotten fatter. Fatty fat fat.

iSuckitude

I just saw one of those "Mac vs. PC" commercials where the PC is som fat, nerdy, white guy and the Mac is some supposedly cool, hip, equally pasty white guy. The whole Mac vs. PC argument can be resolved with one point. Any computer company that thought it was a good idea to have a 1-button mouse sucks. Forever. I don't care if they came up with the idea of windowed applications. I don't care if they cure cancer. I want to poison Apple.

11.10.06

Player Hater's Ball

I hate all these player haters. I'm just trying to shine and get my proverbial roll-on and fat cash and phatty bitches. All the while, these punk-azz bustas are all up in my piece trying to hold a player down. Why you gotta hate? They're throwing salt in my game like it's gonna snow. Sorry, it's not like I try to be this iced-up or flossed-out. This is just how I am. Hatin' on me for being mackdadpimpalicious is like hatin' on a rainbow for being beautiful.

10.10.06

Brique Braker

I finally beat "Brick Breaker" on my Ghettoberry. The world is now safe from the oppressing powers of clay.

A few thoughts before I sleep.

I totally regret not calling myself "Snoop Blogg" or "Snoop Bloggy Blogg" on this site. I could've called my blog the "Blogg Pound" and fellow bloggers friends "Blawgs." T'would've been good times. Although, I'm sure that a million people have thought that up already. (I haven't even looked.) It's tough to come up with truly good original ideas these days. Sigh.

If I were a sports announcer and I witnessed a big, paralyzing hit I would say, "Damn, he hit him so hard that he retroactively gave him a birth defect." I would be fired and it would be awesome.

Yeah, I wrote 3 posts today. Or, as I like to say, I've done posted up more than Julius Erving. Ok, so I have no life. Wanna fight about it?

I don't smile a lot cuz ain't nothin' pretty.
I've got a purple heart for war and I ain't never left the city.
-4!*2+2

9.10.06

I saw an ad for abortion the other day.



I thought I was pro-life until I saw this sign. If you see one of these kids, slap them.

Doc Ang



This commercial manages to embody something that I both hate and love about America. It's a selling point that this burger is so ginormous, has such insane artery-clogging powers, that it will actually make you fall on your ass. It is a selling point! Now that is impressive. Look at these nutrition facts. 930 calories is enough to power an A380 over the Atlantic. Or, for you scientology buffs, a rocket-powered DC-8 from the Throne of Xenu to Teegeeack. 603 of those calories are from fat. That's the equivalent to 2.5oz of lard. Just enough to grease your joints. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that it's tastily devastating. Clogging your arteries never tasted so good.
Also, I wanted to thank a member of the Blogation Nation for her kind comment. Sizzle believes that I am her most humorous friend. In writing. Who is male. East of the Mississippi. Who was born on the 20th of a month. Thank you, Sizz. I'm going to assume that all of those qualifiers serve only as a hedge from your other friends getting jealous. Well played. Heh.

8.10.06

Graphiness


I've recently been analyzing the effects of alcohol on me and my personality. I tried to quantify it as best I could so I made this chart. You may need to look at this for a while to comprehend its complexities. Let me 'splain.
  • Belligerency - how much noise I talk. This is directly proportional to the number of times I say "stfu."
  • Wittiness- How good my jokes are. Personally, I think I'm hilarious after a few drinks, but my mind starts to waiver majorly after that.
  • Motor Skills- Ability to walk, accurately slap women's asses, etc.
  • Smoothness- I get much more relaxed and sociable after a few. However, things go way downhill once I get past a certain point and I start to say dumb/offensive shit. Note how this moves in line with wittiness. I have a good example of this effect. I was semi-scheming on this girl this weekend. She is this gorgeous girl and things were going great. However, people were shoving booze down my throat and I just got too drunk. Although I'm not too sure, I think that things went majorly downhill at the end of the night. I might've even fucked up the entire situation. It wouldn't have been a problem if she was as drunk as me. But she wasn't. Ugh!
  • Apparent Drunkenness- This is how drunk I seem. I'm the kind of person where can hold I hold it together for a while and it's hard to tell how bad I am. However, past a certain point I fade badly. E.g., I start to dance.
  • Next day memory- How well I remember the night before. You know a night is bad when you wake up the next day and start to remember the night in pieces. E.g., you see a flower and remember how you smashed a flower pot over a fetus' dome.

So after analyzing this the rational conclusion is that I should limit myself to 5 or so drinks when I am at the pinnacle of awesomeness. However, I'm not sure if that would be as fun. And I would not end up in the same ridiculous situations. There are other variables in play here, but I didn't/couldn't include them in my graph. Also, the ratings are quite arbitrary and are meant to show movement after number of drinks. That is all.

5.10.06

Chuckles

Ok, you may think that all I do is write about fizzyfinance. Well, perhaps you're right. Anyhow, I thought I'd publish the Chuck Norris jokes that I and my fellow coworkers came up with during training. Most of you wont get half of these.

  • When CN uses CAPM he gets the actual, real-life cost of equity
  • CN's bonds are rated AAAA
  • CN loans negative dollars
  • CN once earned 40 million dollars in fees for advising a company on how they didn't want to get roundhouse kicked by CN
  • CN gets paid to hold options
  • CN financed the Catholic church by issuing a loan with a first lien on Jesus.
  • Some people diversify their portfolio by investing in other countries. CN diversifies his portfolio by investing in parallel dimensions.
  • CN wipes his ass with Commercial Paper.
  • One day CN took a short position on Rice-a-Roni. The next day San Francisco fell into the ocean. Coincidence? I don't think so.
  • While bored one day CN invented the binomial option pricing model.
  • CN amortizes Goodwill.
  • CN bought Berkshire Hathaway class A shares at a dollar.
  • If the FED needs to lower inflation they hire CN to roundhouse kick the money supply.
  • CN semen futures sell for 6 souls a barrel.
  • George Soros and Alan Greenspan once had sex with each other to prove they weren't gay. Their child was CN.

:-|

I have nothing to write about today. So I'm just gonna BS.

I managed to use the word "monitonically" in a credit analysis memo today and it passed inspection by my bosses. My next goal is to use "surjective," another word primarily used in math.

The guy next to me in the el today mustve had some sort of inner-ear infection. He kept falling over every time there was any sort of motion on the train. Boo.

I was at work late today, but it could've been much worse. Thanfully I remembered the "summon the Excel god" shortcut. It's ctrl+alt+shift+apple key+G. He showed up in the form of the Microsoft Office Help Wizard. See picture. I must note that I despise the Goddamn paperclip. He is a mere conduit in this situation.

2.10.06

Ownershipville, IL


Yeah, so tonight a low rent Katrina decided to roll through the Chitills and hand out buy-one-get-one pwnership coupons. It created a deluge of near biblical proportions in the stairwell outside our place. We had to form a bucket brigade just to stop from getting flooded. Even worse, it distorted the high-def satellite signal and we were basically sent back in time to where people had only laptops. Lame. It makes you appreciate 21st century sensory overload.

You know you're a finance analyst when...


...you make an excel model to analyze gym prices. Ok, so czech this out. The different rows represent the different pricing plans the gym rep gave me. "One of these things is not like the other." It's obnoxious how that one plan is so much cheaper than the others. How can this be? Maybe the other ones come with a free dose o' roids. Btw, $39 bucks a month is a baller-ass price for a gym in downtown . The gym is pretty nice and I'm determined to get cut over the next few months. Hell, I've got nothing better to do. (As evidenced by the image.)

1.10.06

This post has no title.

I stumbled upon some very insightful commentary today. I was watching the Dave Chappelle byah skit on YouTube and saw the following comment by KaibasChic regarding the clip: "dis aint even dat jokes da one i like iz da new tupac song now DATS jokes" Yeah, I know, you're going to have to read that about 10 times until the wisdom diffuses into your dome-piece.

KaibasChic, are you sure that's not your worth as a human you're talking about? Because "DATS jokes." Seriously, that comment is the hardest thing to read. Ever. I didn't know 9 year olds working at nuclear-powered, paint chip taste-testing facilities had access to computers.

30.9.06

Dayum

Just a few notes about last night.

At a bar my friend AA had some some dude hitting on her and she wasn't feeling it. So she says I am her b/f. He's a very large black man and asks me something like "Is this you're first time dating a Nubian princess?" Alice, btw, is from Ghana. I apparently didn't sell the whole b/f thing very well and he told me to look him in his eye with my glasses off and say that she's my g/f. Btw, this was all pretty playful. It's not like this was some sort of confrontation. He then said he believed me and that I look like a "cage fighter" with my glasses off.

I lost my shirt. Literally. T'was just a plain white work shirt. Oh well. It had a small hole in it anyhow.

I lost my shirt. Figuratively. I somehow managed to spend $100 and so many people were buying me drinks.

Last night was the most fun I've had in a while. Today was the worst hangover I've had in a while.

Sleeping in a bed is nice.

28.9.06

Carney


You know that creepy roller coaster that you were scared of as a kid? You loved going to the amusement park and riding all the big rides and weren't afraid of any of them. But there was that one ride that just wasn't right. It was like 100 years old, rotting and rickety. The guy who ran the controls looked like he was a chromosome short of a bakers dozen. When you were on it you were amazed and frightened about how fast it went. It wasn't as fast as the other rides, but it appeared really fast and quick because it was made out of rotting wood. Things made out of rotting wood shouldn't move that fast. But the smoothness of the ride surely wasn't deceptive. They should've name it The Chiropractor. Half the time it wasn't even operational because it was broken down or being repaired. And you alllways get stuck next to the fat guy. So on the turns you almost get turned into a singularity. That, my friends, is basically the El.

Ok, I promise this is the last time I bitch about the El. Unless something ridiculous happened. So today on my way to work the cars in front of us lost power. We sat there for almost 2 hours. It was sooo crowded. Im not claustrophobic or anything, but I about went mad. There was a time where I almost went ape on everyone's asses. I so badly wanted to start flailing and punching/biting anything I saw. It was miserable. So after some further complications, walking, and transferring I got into work 3 hours late. Clownshoes.

27.9.06

Canned Ham

So I looked in my Gmail spam folder today and its contents were amusing. Among the 30-odd messages involving f-ing this or f-ing that or "s1uts" or V14gr4 was an interesting e-mail from someone named Glenna Delaney. Apparently she wants me to "suck her catling." This was all the email said really. So I looked it up and a catling is "a long double-edged knife used for amputations." W. T. F. So I replied with the following:

Ms. Delaney,

I greatly appreciate your offer to suckle on the surgical intrument in question. Regretfully, I have decided to decline. However, if you are an amputee I would be quite interested in getting a piece of that proverbial ass. I'm into that sort of thing.

Cheers,
J-Money

I'm still waiting for a response. She may be "the one."

Canned Ham

So I looked in my Gmail spam folder today and its contents were amusing. Among the 30-odd messages involving f-ing this or f-ing that or "s1uts" or V14gr4 was an interesting e-mail from someone named Glenna Delaney. Apparently she wants me to "suck her catling." This was all the email said really. So I looked it up and a catling is "a long double-edged knife used for amputations." W. T. F. So I replied with the following:

Ms. Delaney,

I greatly appreciate your offer to suckle on the surgical intrument in question. Regretfully, I have decided to decline. However, if you are an amputee I would be quite interested in getting a piece of that proverbial ass. I'm into that sort of thing.

Cheers,
J-Money

I'm still waiting for a response. She may be "the one."

26.9.06

It's like, ubiquitous.

Typically, the excessive use of the word "like" is associated primarily with airheaded valley girls. However, it's pretty ridiculous how much basically every person under 25/30ish uses the word in conversation. I feel like most people don't even notice it these days. If you pay attention you'll find a large portion of people use it in over a third of their sentences. If not more. Top 3 things often replaced by "like" or some phrase using "like":
  • Said. "And then I was like 'That is a pretty tall midget!'"
  • Pause/sentence reset/nothing. "So I mean, like, necrophilia isn't even illegal in Wisconsin."
  • Thinking. "Then I drank 2 extreme rock heads and was all like 'I should punch this cop in the larynx'"

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually somewhat okay with how much it's used. The implied definition of the word is understood and it works well in very casual conversation. Voice inflections and context make it obvious what the speaker means. Plus it's hard to notice anyway.

Btw, the girl in the picture is my ideal future child and will "clap your monkey-ass." Wu-Tang!

25.9.06

Bottle full of bub

I'm apologize for the continued bitching about the el. However, just when I thought the train couldn't get any worse... There was some sort of a delay today with the brown line so there were extra people. I didn't think that you could fit that many people into a space that size. Thow on some house music, strobe lights, and put a creepy middle-aged guy in the corner (oh wait, nm, there were a few of those), and we've got the hottest night club in the chi. The grinding was provided by the continuous turning and stopping. Ugh. The girl next to me (i.e., on top of me) was attractive but looked sorta trampy. I hope I didn't get an STD.

24.9.06

Today the soil is healthier though the farmer planted aggressively.


Wow, pretty interesting weekend. There's a lot to talk about but I want to focus on the MSU game. MSU is tied for second on my "most hated ND opponents" list. They're tied with Michigan and behind USC. Anyhow, as a little background for yall who don't know, they're pretty much assholes. And on top of that, their coach said something along lines of "the thing that bothered me most about the flag-planting is that they didn't even do it on the 50 yd line. We were 15 yards off! Haha." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. I am not amused. Neither is the rest of the ND nation. So, needless to say, I was ready to go at gametime. I was so pumped I almost Zidane'd my hamster.
But anyhow, before I finish my first Silver Bullet, we're down 17-0 and I'm bummed. (Btw, I think I'm conviced these days that Stones > Bullets, but that's another topic for another day.) My friend and pseudo-roommate Mike, like a skilled ER surgeon reacting to a crisis, knew exactly what needed to be done. Before I knew it, I had an ice-cold Sparks in my hands. For those of you who don't know, Sparks is pretty much a high-rent, carbonated, energy bum wine. It's prostitute-killing juice. Or, more accurately, prostitute-killing fuel. Whoever thought it was a good idea to combine drunkedness and hyperness into one conveniently packaged unit was right. It is a good idea. But I've digressed.
So we're down big and the only way I can handle it is through the sweet relief of drank. Without boring the Blogation Nation with the details, we were down 17 with like 8 minutes left and scored 3 TDs to win the game. It was such a rollercoaster of a game. All of us were cursing, high-fiving (Because we're white. That's what white people do), hugging, etc throughout. Most of this stuff would be considered somewhat homo-erotic in any other situation. Thank God we won. See picture of MSU players guarding their "S" so that we wouldn't plant our flag. Pshhh. So afterwards we hit up some local bars. We met up with some dude with long hair (I don't remember his name b/c I was wasted), his gf, and her supposedly hot friends. Yeah, they were pretty hot if you're into the sloth types. I'm sorry if that's mean. Well... not really. On the way back I ended up buying more Sparks for some reason, drank some, and then went to sleep. I was hungover alllll Sunday. Frownyface.
P.S., Don't worry about the post title. It's some quote I heard and I put it up there to be cryptic.

22.9.06

Bust it.


Ok, apparently the substance of this blog has hit an all-time low. Hopefully it will go up. But don't count on it.

21.9.06

Back Like Cooked Crack

Ok, so the spell check on this piece doesn't recognize "blog" as a word... You've got to be kidding me.

20.9.06

I take the (h)EL(l) to work.

The picture to the right is my perspective during the glorious ride to work, a.k.a. the trail of tears (is that insensitive?). It's named the brown line because it's shitty. Notice the various crotches in other people's hands and/or grills. This picture doesn't even really do it justice. I was literally almost hanging out the door. It gets crowded to the point where people get stuck in the middle and can't find anything to hold on to. So when your cracked-out engineer (I can't think of a better word) thinks it's funny to hit the turn at ludicrous speed, everyone gets pwned. Coffee goes flying. People go flying. Etc. The commute is definitely the worst part of my day. I'm sure it gets much better in the winter.....

The E

As I was in my typical 5 o'clock space-out mode, staring into the gridded liquid crystals of the E (i.e., Excel, for all you proles out there), I realized something. You ain't cool unless you talk with Excel shortcuts. As an example:

So I ctrl+x out of the apt at 8am and I F5 the el. It's so packed that I wanna alt+i+r of bullets into someone. I manage to keep my alt+i+m's to myself. I get off the train and F9 how much time I have. I F4 my F9 on the elevator. I ctrl+o my ctrl+8 for the day... etc, etc.

FYI:
ctrl+x = cut
F5 = goto
alt+i+r = insert a row
alt+i+m = comment
F9 = calculate
F4 = repeat
ctrl+o = open
ctrl+8 = outline

Obviously that was nerdier than a Star Trek vs. Star Wars themed chess set. At least I realize that.

So, if talking with Excel shortcuts is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

19.9.06

Alllll Aboard!

Ok friends, if you're keeping count this is my 3rd time starting up a new blog/journal. I think my previous failures are mainly due to the fact that they were technically 'journals' and I felt pressured to update them often and write about my life. However, since I'm a flake and my life is ridiculously boring 99% of the time I just gave up. The title of 'blog' allows room for more flakiness and posts with me just bitching about stuff (which you know I like to do). So increase the life expectancy of this one.

A few groundrules:
  • I donut know how 2 spel or use gramar correctively and never wheell. So deal with it. And don't correct me.
  • You'll realize quickly that this blog sucks and is really boring. And it's all pretty much stream-of-consciousness. Well, it's primarily for my own entertainment so I don't care what you think.
Important note on the name:
Technically the name "Blogation Station" has been used before. However, none of these blogs are active and pretty much suck. Also, most of The Blogation Nation [that's what I will be calling my failthful readers. All 3 of you (if I'm lucky.)] knows that I own the intellectual property of adding "-ation station" to just about anything. Hrm, perhaps "intellectual" is a misnomer.

Anyhow, it takes a lot of sleep maintaining this beauty. Zip it up, and zip it out!